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Moving -is it a new start or running away?

  • Fifi100
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24 Jun 12 #338682 by Fifi100
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Ok so I''m still in limbo.
I need to go back to counselling as I''m utterly miserable.

I live hundreds of miles away from my Family but I have created a good network of friends and have got a good part time job with career development. I have no support in terms of help with the kids unless I pay for it and money is tight. My eldest is 4 rising 5 and in a good school. My youngest is challenging and wakes early often tantrums etc etc. I''m drained.

STBX does not have the kids to stay overnight as he claims not to have the room and asks that he looks after them here -which I have refused (FMH) on the grounds of it is now our (boys and I) home and I cannot trust him not to bring his fling here (he says this is over, it''s clearly not based on what my eldest tells me, friends comments and facebook). STBX will only have the children at his parents house. I have checked this point with a solicitor and it is reasonable to deny him staying on these grounds.

Recently STBX mother has taken it upon herself to canvas me to try to reconcile with her son. She has suggested that I need to get over things because the alternative is grim and that it would be best for the kids. I told her that I was not being unreasonable but that I had very good reason to seek legal advice etc but did not tell her details (that he took girl to her house (when MiL was away) with the kids etc) as I know it will break her heart and cause all sorts of fights. I am trying to remain friends / civil with his family.

So I''m feeling pretty lonely and small and I know if I moved closer to my sister and my Dad hundreds of miles away that I''d have a lot more support and the kids would have a large extended family with cousins their own ages -outdoors life, beach etc. I''d be miles happier being away from all these memories and the friends who are not my friends. Is that running away or is it being fair enough?

With regards to the children having a relationship with their father -this is another point I need to think about. The current relationship they have has zero parenting -he''s Santa to them and undermines me. He does not telephone them regularly and he cannot drive so does not take them to any clubs etc unless it''s within walking distance. He is reluctant to look after the 2 year old without help and favours the eldest child (obviously). I''ve no doubt he loves his kids but I feel he treats them as a hobby. I organise a weekly diary exchange that STBX rarely reads but has future dates etc in.

STBX cannot be faulted up until now on his financial support of us but he is beginning to question costs hence I''m pushing to get the legal stuff sorted. This is the week that it begins

I was once advised to stay for 18 months from when he left so I don''t transport the pain from one place to another.

Thoughts would be appreciated -thanks, F x

  • flowerofscotland
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24 Jun 12 #338686 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Fifi100,

It is not quite as easy as just to up sticks and go. I would recommend that to start with a clean slate, that your divorce and financials are all 100% sorted out, as you will find that your troubles will follow you where ever you may go...this is not a good foundation for a fresh start.

I will also say you had better have a good case and family law specialist in order for them to justify your move so far away. When there are children involved, the Courts will look at your intentions and reasons for them, as your X may put up a good fight for you to remain in the local area and he would be entitled to do this as they are his children too. Be prepared to put up a good fight for why you need to move away, i.e more support from family etc.

I understand your pain, I am stuck in the FMH that is leaking and crumbling around me, but until I know all my finances are sorted then I am in no position to move to another area. I want out of my house as it is so full of memories, but I have to stay put until all the money has been sorted out.

Sometimes by digging deep you will find an inner strength to stay where you are and make things work. Write a list of all the pro''s and con''s of staying and going, and be prepared for him to fight back if there are grandparents who are in your children''s lives as well as schools, friends etc.

Take care for now FoS x

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24 Jun 12 #338688 by pixy
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Fifi ((())) When all this first started for me, I wanted to run away and start over somewhere else, create a new life. 18 months down the line I feel very differently.

Give yourself time, don''t make irrevocable decisions (apart from getting rid of the cheat of course) until you are a bit further through. If you act too quickly you are likely to find you have made the wrong decision and as FoS says the troubles will follow you.

  • scaryspice
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24 Jun 12 #338693 by scaryspice
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I agree ,I wanted to run away too .
But decided the kids happiness is more important ( shame He didn''t think that way )
and they love their school and friends .
I too don''t have family close by.
But with friends and Wiki friends I am learning to cope here .
Let the children stay with him at his parents house - it will give you a break .
Although I hate mine seeing him full stop ,it is a welcome break from the unending cooking , tidying up etc. and gives you a bit of ''me ''
time .
How big is his place ?
Even if they have to sleep on a sofa bed , for a couple of nights it would be manageable .
Sounds to me that he can''t cope with the responsibility of looking after them on his own .
Perhaps he should learn to drive !!
He has chosen this , he has to step up to the mark and be a responsible parent still.

  • Fifi100
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24 Jun 12 #338703 by Fifi100
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Thank you FoS, Pixy & Scary Spice.

I guess if I can hang on in there until the next summer holiday then that can be my goal. I have taken the kids away to stay with my family every school holiday that has been since he left.

Scary Spice you are right he doesn''t feel capable of looking after them. When he first came to take them out for lunch he asked if he cluld hsve some more time to get to know the youngest! I said he''d had 2 years to do that.

His Mum has done her best to support him but she''s got a cancer scare right now and I think she''s had enough of the drama (she tells me often how depressed she is about it all) but whilst I know she means well and she''s got my back she also can be a tough cookie and because she doesn''t know the depth of what has happened she thinks I''m the one being unreasonable. I''m on the brink of just telling her everything.

That aside I guess I can plan my move very carefully and research it etc. I want to leave but know things change. Am just very sad and emotional right now. I still love him and wish things were so so different. Traditionally I''ve moved on / changed something pretty big when I broke up with boyfriends. I kind of feel I need to leave.

Thank you for the support.

  • flowerofscotland
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24 Jun 12 #338708 by flowerofscotland
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Fifi100,

On the note of grandparents, blood is thicker than water, I could write a book on this.

After my STBX''s adultery was outed, my in-laws declared that I would always be their daughter-in-law, we went on holiday just me, them and the kids, so I could get my head together, then all of a sudden out of the blue on return from holiday my STBX had written a very intimidating letter to his mother, she has never been seen by me since.

My in-laws know what their son had done and continues to do, but they are frightened of him, so have never knocked on my door to see how the kids and I are, they have chosen to do my STBX''s bidding, but I have put a stop to that, they have never called my children at home or on their mobiles. This is two grown mature adults, one who calls themselves a staunch Catholic, who have abandoned me and the kids because they are too frightened of their own son. Their loss not mine.

Just keep your cards close to your chest with regard to your M-I-L.

Take care for now FoS x

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