Are we really being helpful?

I found this site 18 months into my separation and to begin with it was a huge help.

But i cant help feeling that the more i use it the more i read posts that leave me more than a little unsettled.

I understand emotions are high and we are all at different stages and sides of the divorce/separation process but i began to use this site because i was feeling vulnerable about the breakdown of my marriage and unsure of how things were playing out etc. Sometimes its not enough to talk to friends and family when they dont have the same experiences as you which is obviously why this site is a huge help.

Yet i feel some posts can be hurtful. People are quick to make judgements without knowing a particular persons circumstances and i sometimes wonder if some posts are actually helping people.

Does anyone else share this experience or is it just me being overly sensitive?

Its very difficult isn''t it.

Wiki is primarily a support site its aim is to provide free help to all comers, it maybe some are just plain down about the end of a relationship others have problems trying to agree the money side, others contact problems, and often its a combination of all three.

Emotions run high and people often have very strong opinions often based on their own often bitter experience, in the heat of the moment its often very hard indeed to see the bigger picture, or even consider others experience or opinion, personally the man i am today bears little reflection to the one divorcing a few years ago, but i still remember him and he was angry depressed and not a nice person really, that`s how i felt in the circumstances i found myself.

My old grandad often said it costs nothing to be nice, i think he was right, if we all respect each other where they are right now and try and support one another we wont go far wrong, i often disagree with some of the older members its not seen on the forum but it happens, but i do it with respect, because i do respect them as people and their opinion, its important that debate can run its course without causing or being offended, so if its a dad who can`t see his kids or a mum who`s ex wont pay a bean for his kids try and think how they must feel, empathy is one of the most important quality`s people can culture, and one of the most admirable i think.

Hi jslgb

jslgb wrote:

Yet i feel some posts can be hurtful. People are quick to make judgements without knowing a particular persons circumstances and i sometimes wonder if some posts are actually helping people.

Does anyone else share this experience or is it just me being overly sensitive?

Yes some people can be a bit short. Me included sometimes. But when I have to be short with people it usually takes me a couple of writes to get it right and I always apologise at the end. That way I hope I dont offend someone too much. My writing style is a bit harsh and I usually have to tone it down a bit before hitting submit. No one see''s the original as its had a couple of revisions. But I am careful in what I say. You can always tell when I have revised the hell out of something. Cos it dont make any sense But hey, I do my best.

But the problem is, that sometimes someone needs a short sharp mild kick up the rear to get them to see sense. And there is no point pussy footing around. That helps no one. I would much rather adopt the hand holding way then being a bit short. But as I said. Often there is no other way. But I am mindful that when some people come here that perhaps they are in a state and I dont want to upset them. But it is a tough thing to do and do it just right. I have had my fair share of people PM''ing me about what I have said. But I learn from my mistakes and I read what other people have said and if I cant add any value, I dont post a reply.

There are some posters that can be a bit sharp with others. And me having a fairly thick skin, even I cringe. But you will most likely get a range of advice. And some of it will apply and some not. Bottom line, people are trying to help you. And they can see that perhaps you are making a fool of yrself and they dont want you to get hurt. But none of us are grade A when it comes to advising anyone. We are just enthusiastic amateurs and not counsellors.

If someone attacks you or you think they have said the wrong thing to you then PM them. Me also. If you think I have said something to you that you dont like, then have a pop at me. I actualy enjoy a good discorse. And I like it when people challange me. Its a way of validating or perhaps discarding any views I have.

Its easy to judge someone. There have been a couple of threads recently that there was a lot of judgement going on. I pride myself in not judging people. I know its hard to do but I think being non judgemental helps us in life generally. But I am well aware that when we are in a bad place, its hard to do and say the right thing.

Me personally, I think this site does help. I see a lot of me in the early days from people walking thru the door here and I wish this site was around when I started my journey back in 2006. But hey, its here now and I think its helped 1000''s of people. C.

I agree with Marshy, I really think this site is the best resource in the country for couples thinking about or going through separation.

Its greatest asset is its members and their wide experience and range of opinions. There is often no correct route through the family courts and it is very useful for people to get a range of responses to a post even if they are contradictory.

I also agree that a kick up the backside can be beneficial - there''s no point taking an application to court if it is obviously doomed to failure. It''s a waste of time, money and emotion.

Of course, not everyone wants to give advice, some just bang on about their own cases (), but even that can be therapeutic for them; most who take the trouble to reply do so because they genuinely want to help. Equally, not everyone posting for advice really wants an honest reply, they just want vindication.

Having been involved with other support organisations, I realise it isn''t always possible to help some people, and one can''t give an easy reply when there really isn''t much that can be done. At other times advice given isn''t taken and that can lead to difficult situations becoming worse.

I came to WV too late to resolve my own case, but it has helped me and my family in ways I never imagined. Stick with it!

Marshy_ wrote:

I usually have to tone it down a bit before hitting submit. No one see''s the original as its had a couple of revisions.

You should see some of my uncensored posts, they would make your eyes bleed

I can only really echo what Forseti, Marshy and Dukey (all of whom are long-term members and significant contributors to the site).

Wikivorce is unique in that we are an all-inclusive community and all our help, information and advice here is free to access to anyone who may be affected by family break-down.

We currently help people in 1 in 3 of all UK divorces - that''s a lot of people helped each year, around 50,000 - and doesn''t include those that don''t register but can still access our information.

Being an all-inclusive community means that posters will often be given a different perspective in the some of the responses they receive on the forum and in blogs - I think this is healthy and provides a balance that is often missing from other support fora.

Yes, sometimes the advice given can be rather robust, and on occasion it''s not constructive, and on those instances, you should report the post in question by using the "report" button. But often the advice we most need to hear is not the same as what we want to hear. I know that I have been on the end of some rather robust advice and have benefited greatly from it, although I certainly didn''t appreciate it at the time

Hi jslgb,

Please do not give up on Wiki. I know that for a period of time, I found all the newbies stories so sad, that I just could not bring myself to read them. I think it only made it more clear how many of us are in similar situations up and down the country as well as around the globe. But, after a few weeks absence from the site, I really realised how much I needed its compassion and sound advice.

You will never please all the people all of the time, that is an impossible task, But Ruby is right, sometimes as much as we hate to admit it, what we ''want'' to hear is not necessarily what is best for us, so there is often a coming to terms with the truth so to speak. That wake up call that we have been avoiding.

I have found that the majority of members here only do have each others best interests at heart. I know that I would not wish my current circumstances on anyone, not even my own worst enemy. So, by hoping to help others who are further back down along the line of separation and divorce, they maybe will feel less alone. I know I felt less alone when I realised I was not some kind of leper with this ''catching'' divorce disease!

We are all different, a bit like Liquorice Allsorts, so our views, opinions and life experience will all vary depending on our own situations, age and how we are managing to survive at a very difficult period in our lives.

Like the others, I think Wiki have been a life saver for so many of us, even to the point that I would like to see it extended on the ''high street'', an actual support group in local towns and cities, where we can come together, I suppose a bit like A.A. (Maybe in the future, as I know that I would like to give something back, as other than Wiki, there is no local support for so many of us).

Hang on in there and give it a chance, I know you won''t regret it...

Take care for now FoS x

P.S. Take time to read the thank you page, I am sure that it will re-enforce just how special Wiki Land is!