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  • Kitsi
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02 Jul 12 #340637 by Kitsi
Topic started by Kitsi
I have a lousy family although my mother would have a fit if she knew I said this. I am the only daughter of three children and my two brothers live in in the east, Mum and Dad are in Wiltshire and I a closer to them in Herefordshire so as Dad has demetia it is generally me who sees to any urgent requests and I ring them every day.
My middle brother a few years back after his wife threw him out for debt and alcoholism. He went to live wity my parents and they took him and his dog in. Eventually we got him sorted- he tried to kill himself , was sectioned, dried out and then promprtly stole a car to cut a long story short my then husband- the one who has just left me and I helped him out a lot financially and he got a job eventually as a drugs counsellor - he is brilliant at it and his daughter has just graduated. He and my SIL never did get back together in the same house but they didn''t get divorced either. My other sibling married yount to a very immature Daddy''s girl and divorced my brother three years later when someone newer and shinier and richer came along.
My Dad abused me as a child and one of the reasons mmy husband said he was leaving me was because he didn''t believe me- or I owuld have told him when we got married- how funny you are bringing this up now as I am going '' sort of thing. It was awful and our marriage guidance counsellor said I should have told him earlier as well. She said that to me in front of him.
My brother remarried at Christmas. Mum rang me to say only ''close family'' were going.

Everyone - except me. It was ''gnerelally felt'' that as I''d just been ''dumped'' I would be a bit of a wet blanket there.

I feel so, so rejected. My husband always said he would love me forever and knew Dad had beaten me but no more than that. Maybe I SHOULD have told him, I just couldn''t. my brother who I helped didn''t say a word in my defence and my other brother...well, he didn''t even think of inviting me.
I feel very used as well. The family cheque book but now I desperately need help and support there is none from the boys and certainly none from my Dad although he has dementia I still have to acknowledge what happened but help Mum anyway. Mum LOVED my ex and her first words to me were ''What did you do to drive him away''? My husband''s family disliked me because I was older than him and yet they are mad as a vox of frogs- just before he left me his Dad (divorced many years from his Mum) said to him that either he was his Dad or his Grandad was as MIL had had affairs at the same time with then BOTH!!! Yet she is now a Pillar of the Church and looked down her nose at me- even walking out of our wedding half way.
My husband now says (or rather did just before he left) that the way I organised the wedding was so detailed all he had to do was turn up- he felt like a visitor at his own event. I keep running these words through my head as it is soon or would have been - our 12th wedding anniversary-my Mum thought I had only excelled at one thing and that was being married. Now that is gone I have failed in everything in her eyes. I really feel my heart is breaking- husband gone, joint friends gone, brothers just used me when they needed money or help and as my best friend is husband''s step sister I have lost her too. She has made it very clear.

I loved, love, love him so much and the betrayal of me by him to a friend of mine plus the marriage guidance counsellor having a session with him on his own so he could practise telling me how he was going to leave me AND Mum saying ''close family only'' makes me want to snap in two with misery. Neither of the boys have even rung to see how I am yet when my brother divorced I drive weekly to the south-east to see how he was.

I was not a perfect wife.. lousy at washing up and dusting and bought too many shoes and handbags..any fault I have got I admit to- my husband told me initially it was because he knew I was such a poor money manager and he shouldn''t have left it all to me.
But I am not unlovable. I am generous and I adore my friends so why am I so bloody well BROKEN up over this ''only close friends'' business and I am horrified to find myself thinking ''I hope THEY divorce'' then we will see how he copes.
I must be some sort of horrible, vile woman, right? Mum has practically admitted she knew- she said she used to have a word with Dad when I wasn''t around. but what good did that do? He still beat the shit out of me as often as he could and when I was older he used words. cruel words that dissected every tissue and muscle of me.
In marrying him I truly felt redeeemed, clean, whole and now- well now I am what they always thought of me: bitter. over dramatic, always in crisis and generally the achilles heel of the family
Oh how do I get throug this?

edited to remove personal details, including names.

  • Jamsandwiches
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03 Jul 12 #340722 by Jamsandwiches
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I know I don''t know you but I really want to give you a big squishy hug! I had a violent father too so I totally understand the anguish and pain caused. Sometimes in a family-especially a family of 3 one child in particular gets picked on by no fault of their own. Everything negative gets directed at them. It seems a family uses them as the scape goat for all their problems and every fit of anger and rage is taken out on the innocent child. You have been emotionally abused and probably wracked with false guilt suffering a poor self image and esteem. I certainly did and spent a couple of years in councelling.
Don''t blame yourself or devalue yourself in any way believing it is your fault they treated you like that. you are a thinking feeling and valuable human being with every right to experience healthy relationships and respect.
You need to get around positive people that will build you up and encourage you to thrive at being the person you were created to be.
You sound thoughtful and caring to me, someone who helps people. Don''t let the negativity and cruelty of other people affect you for a moment longer. You deserve so much better! Hugs!

  • redwine47
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03 Jul 12 #340725 by redwine47
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Hi... I m sorry you are having such an awful time... When lots of bad things happen around the same time it can be overwhelming. Events that you can normally deal with become mammoth tasks. You will get through this eventually, it may take a while but you will get through.

Have you talked to your friends about your feelings? I would also suggest seeing a counsellor if viable. (especially re your historic abuse)... I did this and it helped me put things into perspective. And also made me realise I am a worthy person as you are, you just can''t see it yet.

Try dealing with one issue at a time. For example....... you didn''t get invite to wedding, your upset & annoyed, understably . So what can you do about this......
A. get more upset & stressed or
B. Just let it go , after all its their loss. or
C. you could try writing a letter to your brother, mother. You don''t have to post but at least you can get your frustrations &feelings down on paper. (I keep a notepad by my bed)

Btw I did send my letters after ''careful consideration'' and was glad I did.

Keep yourself well and keep posting you will get plenty of support here.

Xxx

  • fairylandtime
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03 Jul 12 #340731 by fairylandtime
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Hi Kits

Understand where you are comming from re your dad, I would agree with Redwine write it all down, I wrote loads & it really helped. Never sent mine but they helped anyway.

JJx

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