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Alarm bells

  • Munchbunch
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11 Jul 12 #342546 by Munchbunch
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Hi
I am still with my partner. I am thinking of separating from him which I''ve posted about before. Certainly not rushing into anything. We are currently in limbo as I try and decide if we can move forward together. He is still telling me that he wants us to be together.
So, the alarm bells, he''s been playing with his phone a lot, sending messages and such. It beeps a lot, he responds instantly. This goes on often all evening. I thought nothing of this.
I was getting a You Tube clip up of Postman Pat for my son on his phone and I realised the home page on his phone wasn''t the same as mine anymore (we have the same model and it used to be). When I looked I realised he has hidden the text message icon. Now I know how to find it if I want to, like I say I have the same phone, but I have never been one to delve through people''s messages-I feel like you should be able to expect at least some privacy to your own thoughts-but I am right in thinking this is not normal, right?
I have checked a previous partner''s phone, I found out he was seeing other people (plural). I''ve never even vaguely suspected my husband of this. He''s not out more often. I''m pretty certain it''s not anyone in his family he''s texting. It''s definately a girl as no guys text guys all night (in my experience). My guess would be someone from work.
I''ve not checked the phone for messages and don''t think I intend to, after all I would rather make a decision about our relationship based on what I know now not the fact that he might be texting someone else that I''m a ***** or lining up my replacement. Not sure if my intentions there make sense, hopefully you get what I mean.
I just wanted to check that my spidey senses aren''t that off and that his behaviour is not normal.
Thoughts anyone?

  • cookie2
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11 Jul 12 #342549 by cookie2
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He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

If you don''t want to snoop, then when he''s mid-text-stream, simply ask who he''s texting, and lean your head over to read what he''s writing. If he hides it then you have your answer.

You say you want to make a decision based on what you know of the relationship now? But surely if he''s texting some other woman or slagging you off behind your back then this is very relevant information to the state of your relationship, and his commitment to it!

  • Munchbunch
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11 Jul 12 #342550 by Munchbunch
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He''s already been tilting the phone away....I am begining to feel like I am being a mug.

I don''t know why I won''t just check. I would love to insist it''s for nobel reasons, like respecting privacy. I suspect really I don''t want the hurt.

What I think I wanted was how he''s behaved previously and treated me to be what I make my mind up over. You''re right though. His current behaviour is completely relevant.

  • riseandshine
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11 Jul 12 #342551 by riseandshine
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Hi Munchbunch,

No, that is not normal telephone behaviour. And I''m sorry to say, it sounds as if he may be having an affair, or is about to embark upon one. Spidey senses are rarely wrong. Is there someone at work he has been mentioning more than usual recently? Or did he do so a while back and has now stopped mentioning her?

Looking at your previous post, there were a few red flags there too - how he was behaving during his illness. It''s awfully reminiscent of how people tend to detach and start behaving badly during an affair, as their subconscious seeks to give themselves permission to stray, by making the relationship at home difficult.

I agree with Cookie in that any third party is an important piece of information you may need in making decisions about the future of your relationship. I''m not sure I would challenge immediately though. Bear in mind that people having affairs deny and minimise their behaviour, and take things deeper underground. It might be worth observing for a short while until you are more sure of your ground.

If your marital problems go back some time, it may be that he is behaving in such a way as to goad you into bringing the marriage to an end, so that he can absolve himself of responsibility. Just a thought. I might be reading too much into your situation.

I''m really sorry, it sounds a very difficult place to be in.

  • jslgb
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11 Jul 12 #342552 by jslgb
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Whilst i would tend to agree he is ''seeing'' someone else it may not be a physical relationship. My stbxh had a text/phone ''friendship'' with another woman for quite a few months before he finally left. He said she had become a really good friend to him and obviously things evolved. Your husband may be in the early stages of this kind of relationship.

Does he know you are contemplating leaving the marriage? I''m not excusing his behaviour in any way, i have been through it and was devastated by the outcomes, but if he knows your thinking of leaving or not interested he may be finding attention somewhere else.

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11 Jul 12 #342553 by Action
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Instincts are so often right. I didn''t normally snoop but that one morning something made me look at his phone. 31 years of marriage gone in a flash!

It doesn''t sound as if your partner is being terribly discreet and I agree with Cookie''s suggestion Better to have the information to make an informed decision than speculate. I am afraid my curiosity would have got the better of me by now and I would have snooped!

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11 Jul 12 #342554 by cookie2
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If he''s "smart" enough to hide the messages icon then I suspect he keeps the inbox nice and clean as well. I doubt you''ll find much in there if you do snoop. But even a big empty inbox is suspicious, why would he delete them if he''s got nothing to hide? Best way IMO is to catch him red handed, "what are you writing and to who". If he then deletes it quick, big red flag.

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