Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

Hi,

I''m not sure if this is the right forum but I need a little help.

Here''s my story, I''ll try keep it short......

I get a call from my wife two weeks ago saying that she thinks the marriage is over. She has thought long and hard and is not in love with me any more. She loves me but not in love. She has been unhappy for some time and cannot see us ever being happy again.

Now, I am on the other side of the world when I got the call. I am 4 months into a 1 year contract to set up businesses for a global internet company. The news was like a sledgehammer, but I did play it cool and said, "Yes I agree something is not right". When in fact had no idea where she is coming from.

We have a 3 year old daughter and an 8 month old baby and cannot fathom why the hell she would want to do this now, let alone her reasons. Now before anyone thinks I am a bad husband and father for leaving them - we spoke at length about this move before I went and she assured me it would be fine for only a year. I assumed we were strong enough to handle this. I would see them every two months anyway and to assist while I''m away I bought a bigger 5 bedroom house for them to move into close to her sister and employed a live in Nanny to help look after the kids. She also wanted to go back to work to give her something to do. I gave her all the support I could considering the situation.

She has been on her own thinking about things and brewing over our relationship on her own. Having a one sided conversation with herself.

On hearing the news I flew back to the UK immediately to try get some information and try get her back as I am still madly in love with her and do not want my kids to grow up in a split family like I did.

It turns out that don''t express my emotions enough and she battles to communicate her feelings. So for this reason she has not been able to tell me her emotional needs. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her,I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

I can agree with all of this (instead of me being too clever for her -she is very smart) and feel like an idiot for not trying to do something about it. I have my faults and made many mistakes. But she is not even willing to try sort it out, go to counselling or anything. She wants the divorce and that''s it.

This is such a shock, can I try get her back or is this it?

I don''t like to be the harbinger of bad news - but do you suspect there may be someone else in the background? It changes the picture a bit if there is.

Good luck.

Hi and welcome to wiki,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this tragic and difficult situation.

My first thoughts on reading your post is the possibility that your wife might be suffering a degree of post natal depression. Your new baby would have been approaching 4 months old when you started your contract, this is a time when some mum''s start finding things difficult.

I fully understand how you had gone to every effort to make life at home easier for your wife and you must not blame yourself. For many mum''s having a nanny would be wonderful but sadly, in some circumstances, especially depression, it can exacerbate feelings of worthlessness.

Try to gently get your wife to open up to you, listen, but don''t react when she is negative. Give lots of positive reinforcement and tell her how much she and the children mean to you. If possible, spend time together as a couple, court her again.

Even though she is not willing to attend counselling, it would benefit you to go on your own. Relate do excellent books that could also help. Another avenue would be to visit your GP and Health visitor. All this of course will be dependant on when you have to return to continue your contract, would it be worth exploring the possibility of taking your wife & children back with you?

I am sorry I have not been able to give you a definitive answer but in your situation I would not give up yet.

Big hug & best wishes for things turning out well.

NWTT

Oh, feel sorry for you. Just a thought though, post-natal depression if your baby is only 8 months?

NWTT beat me to it then! It could be the reason why though, OP. As NWTT said, welcome to Wiki, and hope it all works out for you.

scaryclairie wrote:

I don''t like to be the harbinger of bad news - but do you suspect there may be someone else in the background? It changes the picture a bit if there is.

Good luck.

I have thought about it countless times and have even asked. She promises no. To tell you the truth with 2young kids and being home for 9 months I cant see how she would have found the time.

Then again perhaps with me being gone, she goes back to work and some guy gives her attention, the type she hasn''t got from me in a while and she falls in love with the notion of being with some one else. Perhaps an emotional affair or even thinking of an affair and wants to end it so she doesn''t live with the guilt.

Mrs Sadness wrote:

Oh, feel sorry for you. Just a thought though, post-natal depression if your baby is only 8 months?

She had a terrible time with our 2nd child, was very ill and very depressed. Before and during pregnancy, but seemed ok after. I dont know perhaps you are right.

The issue is she doesn''t not want to here or listen to anything I have to say. Apparently its me always being right again. So any type of analyzing or suggestions as to why she is feeling this way is not working.