Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

There''s nothing wrong with being friends. I''ve been separated for almost 14 years now and still manage to sit down and have a civil conversation with my ex on occasion. No one is to blame for falling out of love and finding a spouse annoying etc is all part of the distancing process. A marriage takes two and unless both parties are prepared to work at the relationship a reconciliation is unlikely. There''s no point in speculating about third parties, even if one is involved it doesn''t really change anything.

When a marriage ends it is more constructive to separate the practicalities from the emotions, using a counsellor if necessary. You are setting a template for the long term and letting emotions get in the way can inflame matters so that you end up with protracted and expensive court proceedings, to say nothing of damaging long term family relationships more than necessary.

Spouses may come and go, but parenting is for a life time. There are potentially many years of co-parenting together before the children are independent and there is nothing worse than one parent not being at children''s special occasions such as special birthdays, graduations and weddings, or being there and everybody tip toeing around as if on eggshells.

This is just a message of support rather than anything else... I was presented with the ''not in love with you'' speech, where my ex wanted to be friends. In my case, my ex did have something going on with another fella - at the time it was probably emotional rather than physical, but the bottom line was that ''friends'' don''t treat each other this way.

My advice to you would be to do what you can to consolidate your financial position. Make sure that you''ve got access to all your accounts (which, I guess, is tough if you''re working away), and knuckle down to doing your job as best as you possibly can.

In these cases, the leaver (or petitioner) will try to blame the left. The vast majority of this will be top quality BS. (And the ''not in love with you'' speech is just the beginning of it). There''s a strong possibility that she''ll start to say some crazy stuff when the impact of her decisions sink in. (But when she starts to say the silly stuff, don''t respond, even if she says some things that are totally crackers and are obviously nonsense).

The bottom line is: do what you have to do to protect you. You''re the most important person in your posts. Look after your position and you can look after your kids as best as you can. I know it''s tough to separate the ''I'' from ''us'', but you''ve got to do it, and this is something that will take time.

Whatever the real reason it''s all pretty cr*p, but do what you can to prepare for your own future.

Best,
JJ

Good advice on here so far. You are probably trying to tear yourself apart with the ''what ifs'' (what if there is someone else? what if I hadn''t taken this contract? etc etc etc).

This is extremely tiring and you need to park it as best you can.

It sounds like you have two strategies that probably need to be followed at the same time.

1. You need to establish the ground rules for your ''friendship''. This MUST include an agreement on contact with your children and get it in writing if possible. As things deteriorate you could find yourself being denied contact. Keep this in mind and take action quickly as soon as contact is denied.

2. If you believe in your heart you probably want to put together a plan of action. Look up details about a ''walk away wife''. It is a condition that affects a lot of women it seems.

At times you will cry and be angry and possibly even want to hurt your wife. You must never, and I mean never, beg, plead or threaten your wife. Everything you say or text or email is liable to appear at some point in a court whilst at the same time the more you push the more likely you are to push her away.

Be brave my friend. There may be someone else and you might have to face up to it at some point. Talk to friends, post here and keep yourself sane You are not the one affected by the illness, you are the victim of abuse!

Take care and keep posting updates!

cookie2 wrote:

Buddy I guarantee you 100% there is someone else in the picture. Whenever someone drops the ILYBNILWY bomb there is always third party involvement. We''ve seen it countless times on here. Even if it''s not a physical affair yet, there is definitely something going on with another guy.

I thought the exact same thing when I got the ILBIANILWY speech. I even looked it up on the net and its the number one thing to say when having an afair. No idea how tru that is though.

She is not that type of woman though, but then again they never are and they are human. I suspect its an emotional one and it someone from work, which is why she is in such a rush so she does not feel guilty taking the next step.

Action wrote:

It''s hard for me to admit it, but I think I''d been in a unhappy marriage for many years but was too much of a coward to do anything about it. What I am trying to say is that you being overseas may have made your wife realise that life is OK without you. She may have secretly been unhappy for some time and thought that you going away would be a test and help her to make her mind up. There might be someone else, or maybe she just wants to be ''her own person'' and not be overshadowed by you. My ex husband is an academic/intellectual (albeit with no common sense) and I was always made to feel inferior, and, in the end, worthless.

You are quite right. She says she has been unhappy for a while and with me being gone she has found this new her. Apparently she feels inferior as my job is going very well and I talk about things way above her head.

But one thing to consider is that she was extremely depressed, pre and post pregnancy. Now put her in a big house with a nice car, a nanny, going back to work and not have to cook her husbands favorite meal and you have a perfectly natural situation. Any person would feel good about themselves. I think she is putting undue and unfounded blame on me or this marriage.

I can agree with these and empathise how she feels but do not agree these are grounds for divorce. Surely marriage is about talking and working things out. If she has felt this way why didn''t she let me know and we could try do something about it.

Why drop the news to me over the phone when I am alone in china setting up businesses. If that''s not stressful enough. Not cool, not cool at all. In fact I think quite selfish and cowardly.

That is one great thing about a marriage, couples can fall out of love with each other but it gives them time and commitment to fall back in love again. I have read too many articles, books and spoken to too many people since the bombshell and know that love can be found again.

Living an unhappy marriage just for the kids is a no no. But to throw in the towel without a fight when you have kids is even worse. Why she wont try is beyond me.

I feel for you - it was cruel and cowardly to break the news to you when you were overseas. I wonder, now that she has all the financial security, a job and a nanny etc. if she does actually feel happy while you are away - and I wonder if she has thought through what living without you in the long-term means.

I sincerely hope that you manage to get her to explain to you why she is so unhappy, so that you can address it together. i really don''t know what else to say.

KnowledgeisPower wrote:

She is not that type of woman though, but then again they never are

Yes exactly. I think every single person who is cheated on, says the same thing. I know I did.