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Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

  • KnowledgeisPower
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14 Aug 12 #349379 by KnowledgeisPower
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Action wrote:

I feel for you - it was cruel and cowardly to break the news to you when you were overseas. I wonder, now that she has all the financial security, a job and a nanny etc. if she does actually feel happy while you are away - and I wonder if she has thought through what living without you in the long-term means.

I sincerely hope that you manage to get her to explain to you why she is so unhappy, so that you can address it together. i really don''t know what else to say.


I''m also fresh out of ideas on what to say. but thanks for your concern action.

Every day gets worse really. I''m travel in cities throughout china that don''t have any expats so cant really go out and forget about things. Being holed up in a hotel room with nothing but your own thoughts, confusion, and the whirl wind of emotions and what ifs and can we sort this out is killing me softly. But hey, what else can one do. Onwards and upwards.

If anyone has been in this situation and got back together with their partner, please share what you did, as I''m fresh out of ideas.

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14 Aug 12 #349381 by KnowledgeisPower
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Mark6138 wrote:

Good advice on here so far. You are probably trying to tear yourself apart with the ''what ifs'' (what if there is someone else? what if I hadn''t taken this contract? etc etc etc).

This is extremely tiring and you need to park it as best you can.

It sounds like you have two strategies that probably need to be followed at the same time.

1. You need to establish the ground rules for your ''friendship''. This MUST include an agreement on contact with your children and get it in writing if possible. As things deteriorate you could find yourself being denied contact. Keep this in mind and take action quickly as soon as contact is denied.

2. If you believe in your heart you probably want to put together a plan of action. Look up details about a ''walk away wife''. It is a condition that affects a lot of women it seems.

At times you will cry and be angry and possibly even want to hurt your wife. You must never, and I mean never, beg, plead or threaten your wife. Everything you say or text or email is liable to appear at some point in a court whilst at the same time the more you push the more likely you are to push her away.

Be brave my friend. There may be someone else and you might have to face up to it at some point. Talk to friends, post here and keep yourself sane You are not the one affected by the illness, you are the victim of abuse!

Take care and keep posting updates!


wise words, cheers for the advise Mark.

Anger is not in me yet, its pure and total devastation at this point. What gets me is that I have so much hope of trying to reconcile but deep down I know the writing is on the wall.

I''m not sure if I should start pulling away myself, that might entice a reaction. At least get her to communicate.

We are meant to be going on holiday for 2 weeks in Oct, anywhere in the world I said. She chooses. She is still keen to go but I''m not sure now. Perhaps I just take the kids on my own and we head somewhere nice. She can stay at home and feel what its like without them.

Then again if we go as a family perhaps there is some chance of a reconciliation?

Hmmmmm torn?

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14 Aug 12 #349386 by cookie2
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There is very little chance of saving the marriage once it reaches this point. When a woman decides the marriage is over, it is over. This might have come out of the blue to you, but no doubt she has been thinking about it for months. If I were you I would get a refund on the holiday if you can, it will not be the happy fun time that you think it will. And if you think your wife will simply let you take the kids against her wishes then I''m sorry but you need to come back to the real world!

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14 Aug 12 #349421 by Hacked Off
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I think you need to try and get this sorted as quickly as possible to protect yourself financially, in particular, your business.
A court, no matter what the circumstances, will ensure that your wife and kids are properly provided for. However, you dont want to end up getting screwed financially.
Personally, I would want to know if my wife was having an affair. That shouldnt be too difficult to establish. Find a private detective in your area - if she is seeing someone else at least you''ll know. And,as your Wiki name suggests, Knowledge is Power.
Again, it wont make any difference to a financial settlement but at least you''ll know whats going on in your absence. You definitely need to get back to the UK as quickly as possible. Once you have established what''s going on you can at least make plans, decisions, etc. regarding your children and home. You cant do that while you are thousands of miles away. It almost seems that your wife is making the most of your absence. Sorry to say that, but I''m guessing I''m not far off the mark.
Good luck...

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14 Aug 12 #349427 by Marshy_
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Hi KIP

KnowledgeisPower wrote:

That is one great thing about a marriage, couples can fall out of love with each other but it gives them time and commitment to fall back in love again. I have read too many articles, [/quote]

Your wrong. Articles are written to satisfy. People will tell you what you want to hear. Cookie told you. I am telling you. This happens perhaps 1 in 10 billion times maybe. I have never heard of it happening and I have been here since the start.

If you want to live in hope then thats cool. But may I suggest another way? If say you want her back then you have to be prepared to lose her.

So let her go. If she wants you back and thinks this is a mistake then she will tell you so. Otherwise, crack on mate.

What you may not realise is that ditching you has probably been a long time coming. She has probably thought about this for a long time in other words. Its extremely rare for someone that is so dependent on someone else to bin them for no reason. So this has been thought out.

But what todo. What Fiona said makes a lot of sense. You will be a parent to the kids for a very long time. If I were you, I would just let her go and concentrate on being a good dad to the kids. Not trying to win her back.

You said in an earlier message that you were always right and she was always wrong. This smacks of insecurity. People disagree and argue. Those that are confident with there proposals do not resort to tactics like your always right. Often there is no right or wrong. There are just positions. I am sure you know this. So dont think that somehow you have done wrong.

To my mind, you are away on business. You are doing this for your family. And I commend you for this. Its not like you are living high on the hog on the money you are making. I suspect you work hard at what you do. And you talked it over with her. So just sit back, let her be, and think of the future with yr kids. No more trying to talk her round.

Divorce takes a long time. Nothing much will happen until you return. I would stay where you are. No point being here cos it wont change anything. Let her stew. No need for contact unless its about the kids. Let her know what a world without you will be like. But no nastiness. This has no place in what you are doing. C.

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15 Aug 12 #349571 by KnowledgeisPower
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Cheers Marshy.

Obviously the Kids are my main priority at the moment and at no point will I intend to let this affect them. What you say is true and what many others on here say are true as I can assume you''ve all been through it.

I know there is no way I can convince or force her back.... free will and all that. Perhaps its just too raw at the moment for me to comprehend what is happening. Thanks to you and cookie for the wake up call. The sooner I accept and move on the better for everyone.

She has been thinking this for a long time and come to the conclusion on her own, but what gets me is why not include me on those thoughts, or give me some inkling of an idea she''s not happy with the way things are.

I''ve always thought she was quite insecure. She relied on me for many things, happiness, security, friendship, finance etc. It was draining me as I was making all the decisions and being the motivation behind everything. I noticed it and tried to make her stronger, more independent. But I''m not qualified at that, I''m no doctor so probably went by this the wrong way and drove her away doing it. So totally messed up.

With me being abroad she has the independence and is loving it, I don''t blame her.

Funny thing is she know whats to go to therapy, alone. Not a MC, but for other personal things. Why didn''t she want do that when I advised her to try earlier.

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15 Aug 12 #349578 by Action
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Just on your last point from my own experience of counselling - it''s a very personal and private thing and something you have to decide for yourself. Try to think of it as a positive for her that she acknowldges she has a problem and is seeking help.

I was having counselling before my marriage broke up. My ex knew that I had been to the GP and didn''t even ask what for. I went to my weekly sessions for several weeks and he didn''t even ask where I was!

With all your efforts to make her strong and independent, I think the one thing that you have done in succeeding at this, ironically, is going overseas to work. My ex being away for such a large propotion of the time has certainly made me more independent, and at least I am used to doing things on my own.

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