- Posts: 46
A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce
I agree with Cookie, in my opinion and this is only an opinion based on my experience and certainly not to be taken as the truth underlying your problem - when this happened to me, there was more to it than I was ever being told. That could be the reason why it was delivered to you by phone - otherwise, knowing her as well as you do, she could have feared you may have read her face, expression, body language.
It would also explain why she has been thinking about it for a long time but has not included you in on those thoughts or given you an inkling of an idea that she''s not happy with the way things are.
Usually the spouse is purposely left in the dark in favour of including someone else who is hearing all about her feelings, her marriage, what''s wrong with it and all the time getting closer to her, coming between the marriage partners and pushing further away the unsuspecting spouse, who should be the recipient of all this information and at least be given the opportunity to respond and work on the issues before things go too far. Sadly, usually before the spouse is told or finds out, it has gone too far and he/she is presented with a fait accompli - it''s over, I love you but I''m not in love with you.
The 3rd party meanwhile is presenting a blinding image - has none of the spouse''s weaker points, every one of the spouse''s good points only better, and much much more.
By the time the unsuspecting spouse is dealt the shocking blow of the ''love you but not in love with you'' line*, the one who is leaving has done all their thinking, ably aided and assisted by the 3rd party, made their decision and will not reconsider.
(*The odd part about that line being spun I think, again only my observation, is that you surely need a benchmark or control (in the form of another person) to determine whether you are ''in love'' with or you just ''love'' your spouse of some years. Otherwise how can you differentiate? How do I know I am not ''in love'' with you unless I am comparing what I feel for you to what I am feeling for someone else ?
Can I compare what I feel for you to a state of mind I call ''in love'' - though this exists not in the reality of my feelings for another, but only in my imagination? Yet this is so Absolute and certain and strong that I am willing to take the enormous step of breaking up my family? Let alone giving up my 5 bed home, live-in nanny, supportive spouse who I LOVE and bringing my beloved children up between divorced parents ! Really ?) - sorry I digress - we need a new thread on this one !
Perhaps you should ask your wife how she knows she is not ''in love'' with you any more, what is she comparing her love for you to? When did loving you become not enough ? The answer would be interesting. In the absence of not being able to give you any sensible answer, what they previously said usually starts to morph into ''well I''m not really sure I was ever really in love with you/loved you''.
They can''t say, well I thought I was in love with/loved you until X came along and then I realised by comparison that ..... And with any credibility they can''t say, well I know we''ve got two little kids and a good life and I love you but I''ve got this thing in my head about what being in love really is and given it doesn''t match what we have after Y number of years you know what I''m gonna take a chance out there in the big wide lonely unpredictable world ..... It doesn''t make sense. Especially for a woman who is insecure ?
That tends to be what happens, in leaving out what makes sense (someone else involved) they give us all this nonsense that try as we might we can make no sense out of.
My opinion only again, but in situations where there is no underlying problems such as abuse, alcoholism or other sinister issues afoot, which does not seem to be the case here from what you have said, mature spouses with little children, good living standards (live-in nannies!), loving and supportive husbands who they in turn love do not give all that up because they decide they are not ''in love'' any more but have moved on to ''living and loving'' and that''s not good enough. Do they ?
Unless there is someone else influencing them so to do.
I really hope this doesn''t turn out to be the case for you and that you and your wife can sort out these difficulties and move on bringing your children up in the context of a loving family. The world of divorce can be a very ugly one indeed. My best wishes, Nige.
Yeah you could do that. You could spend hours trawling the internet, reading books, talking to people about this kind of thing. You could spend weeks psycho-analysing your STBX wife and trying to work out the exact reason for every little thing she does. You could send her all sorts of help brochures, telephone numbers, courses, doctors recommendations, etc.
You might find it interesting to look at personality disorders.
We provide the UK's lowest cost no-fault divorce service, managed by a well respected firm of solicitors.
Online mediation is a convenient and inexpensive way to agree on a fair financial settlement.
This legally binding agreement defines how assets (e.g. properties and pensions) are to be divided.