Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

With all my heart I hope it works out for you and your wife KiP and those two little ones. Do let us know how you go. Best wishes, Nige.

Dear KIP, re your last post - whatever will be will be, at the end of the day. One has to take the fatalistic approach here, I think. I think you will be able to take the solace you mention that you seek - should the marriage be over - in that you did all you could to save it. Try not to beat yourself up.

As NWTT posted and myself, may be she has post natal depression, or some other reason, but you can rest assured you have acted in the best posible way to save it.

As Nigella said, keep up posted.... even from China you can log in here and get support whatever way it turns out. May I suggest the depression and stress board as well? On days you are feeling really down....

Chin up though in the meantime. Hope this helps a bit. Take care. Bye

KIP I think you hit the nail on the head when you acknowledged (also in your name) that you are a person who seeks knowledge and believes that is power.

Look at the relationship you have and have had with your wife and longer term perhaps you would see that maybe you are not compatible - people may appear to want protecting and saving and you have that Knight in White Armour streek (spelling:blush: ) but maybe the dynamics were going a little sour and she has seen that before you.

We all make mistakes and mistakes especially in relationships really really hurt.

I think that you will do the right thing and will come through this. In time it might even make you a happier and more complete person and although it is early days it is possible that eventually you find love with a woman who is more your interlectual equal - then you can have massive arguments and debates about all sorts and someone can put you in your place.

I hope you realise that I am attempting to be kind here and not make a distressing situation any worse.

I am still struggling 4 years on so I know it ain''t that easy or straightforward.

soulruler wrote:

is possible that eventually you find love with a woman who is more your interlectual equal - then you can have massive arguments and debates about all sorts and someone can put you in your place.

I hope you realise that I am attempting to be kind here and not make a distressing situation any worse.

I am still struggling 4 years on so I know it ain''t that easy or straightforward.

No worries, I know you are trying to help and believe me you are. However she does put me in my place when we debate, the only woman I know who does. Which is what attracts her to me. We have loads in common and she is my intellectual equal, but just over the years we haven''t invested in the relationship and thus don''t know what it is we enjoy about each other.

My work is very demanding, her having 2 kids has been very demanding. Take these two aspects about ourselves and there is a recipe for disaster. Especially if one has not been communicating effectively to the other about her feelings. I''m not putting any blame on her, this is more my fault than anyone else, trust me. There were signs but I had no idea how bad it was. I was being a typical male and not brushed it under the carpet and blamed it on "hormones".

Oh well. I am heading home next week for 4 days. Its my daughters birthday, her 1st party, and decided if I may not be with her all the time in the future its times like this that she will really want me around.

At the moment my wife and I are not talking "business" its just platitudes and pleasantries so hopefully we will get a chance to talk more about the future. what ever that holds. Any suggestions????

We had planned a two week trip in Oct - our yearly holiday. I''m not that keen as it would more than likely be a nightmare trip but she wants to go still.

Now how do I read into that one???

Well I am in favour of saving a marriage where there is still legs in it. I know it is difficult where one party works away and the other is at home with the children.

As your wife is your interlectual equal it may be, especially in mind of your posts, that staying at home on her own as a full time mother (even with a nanny) just isn''t fullfilling enough for her and is making her depressed.

I know the feeling of feeling unfulfilled and the feeling of being alone as my ex used to work away basically all the time.

The difference between our marriage and your was that we were not interlectual equals but as far as I was concerned that was unimportant as he I believed had other good qualities that compensated mine.

I was wrong maybe not on that point but because he was hugely angry and that could never change.

Maybe before asking your wife what she believes has gone wrong you could think back to what attracted you both to each other, see how both your and her characters and roles have changed and see if you can suggest a few things to her - rather than her possibly feeling interogated to explain her actions.

It may not solve the problem or give you the real answer that you are hoping from from her but maybe it would be a starting point for a discussion.

From my point of view when I had kids it was because it was what I wanted. I never realised the huge emotional upheaval it would cause, the realisation that kids were not easy and the fact that you loose the old adult life is hard to square.

Blar blar, maybe talking nonsense but one thing for sure I know my marriage is finished but don''t regret ever having my kids even though it is completely different from what I expected. Actually I did foolishly think when I got to that point that my kids were going to be "mini mes" and that my marriage would be happy ever after, roses over the door and definately for life.

I don''t even know why I thought that because I am pretty open minded and love change and new ideas.

Maybe that is genetic programming - not sure.

Maybe ask your wife if she intends to bring her new boyfriend on the family holiday with you.

A man after my own heart, I respect your honesty and directness. Trust me I wish it were that simple. If I had proof of another man I could move on knowing, why, what , where and when. Solace at last.

But I don''t think its true. Well nothing serious that I, her sister her friends know about. I have asked her and she denies it. I think she is thinking of it though, not a particular person but more just seeing other people, but don''t think anything emotional or physical has happened.