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Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

  • KnowledgeisPower
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05 Sep 12 #353952 by KnowledgeisPower
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I am back from my visit to the UK. Seeing my daughters was immensely therapeutic. Its uncanny how children can be the most amazing therapists and don''t even know it. I envy my wife for having them at home, a nanny in the house to talk to and take her mind off matters. Very lucky indeed. I have my Chinese PA who is the only person I can talk to over here as she is the only English speaking person I know. And I''m not about to talk to her about my private life. So its my thoughts and wiki all the way, thanks all. Anyway enough of the sob story.

My W and I spoke about things, not much but enough for me to understand that she is not at any stage of reconsidering even trying to get the marriage back on track. When we talk she goes into her shell and is very business like and does not let out much information.

I just don''t get her. She wont go to joint counselling but says she can''t talk to me alone. When asked why, she says I make so much sense that she is starting to agree with me. Then leaves the room. She mentioned that she needs someone else in the room to talk properly. She can''t do it on her own. She gets angry inside when I speak of a least trying to see if this marriage is salvageable and going for help etc.

She has so much anger and I only see it when we talk heavy, its never around when we are together and talking of other things. In fact we laugh, joke, speak openly and freely about all types of things, we get on extremely well. Like best friends. Hell we even went out to dinner, just the two of us and it was like we were on our honeymoon. I just don''t get this women.

The anger is coming from the fact she agrees and sees my point when we talk about moving forward together but she is getting angry with herself for feeling like she is turning on her decision and her emotions get pushed deeper inside and her resolve strengthens. The wall builds up and there is no getting through, even though I can sense she wants to run with it. Either that or she is so incensed with me trying to convince her otherwise that she seethes inside when I am being logical. Logic vs emotion was never a good match and the latter always wins

So perhaps that is my error. We only see each other every 8 weeks and only for a few days at a time, so the pressure is on,from both of us. Perhaps I should shut up, I''v said enough (even though I haven''t even scratched the surface yet) and let her mull things over in her own time.

Its so difficult being a million miles away. The less we see of each other the more her love wains.I can feel it.When we see each other I feel we are getting though, somehow, someway.

I am inches away from quitting my job (a very well paid one as well) and heading back to the UK to try reconcile. But then I will be jobless, trying to support a family, numerous mortgages, nannies etc and trying to find a job in recession hit Britain and add to that the strains of sorting an ailing marriage out. Not a good move I think.

Life is all about choices. I made the wrong one coming out here, can I f*ck up again by going back????

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05 Sep 12 #353977 by Hacked Off
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Hi KiP

Your wife''s reactions and how she is handling the situation appear very similar to how my ex wife behaved. We too went out to dinner and had a great time, laughing and joking etc, just the evening before I came home from work to find a letter from the Land Registry to say she had put a Restriction on the house (house in my name only). I had no idea she had even consulted a solicitor.
She cried when I calmy explained that we could salvage the marriage (we had only been married just over a year!), that we had a lot going for us etc etc etc. However, unbeknown to me, she had someone else in mind. At that point it wasnt a relationship and I dont think it ever became one as the guy had too much to lose walking out on his marriage, but in time I realised that my wife had a fantasy about ''another life'', ''a different life''. She wanted ''excitement'', not doing the weekly shop at Sainsburys on Saturday. As you imply, men think Logic, women think Emotion.

The fact that you spend so much time apart means your wife has got used to living without you. My sisters ex husband was in the Army and spent months away from home. Everytime he came home they went through bad spells because they had to get used to being with each other all over again. I guess it''s not good trying to handle this sort of situation when you are so far from home.

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06 Sep 12 #354170 by KnowledgeisPower
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Hey Hacked,

So it seems we''ve shared a similar type of situation. Or is it just the usual run of the mill way women react when they become a walk away wife. That wasn''t a cool thing that she did regarding the land registry though. Mine hasn''t done that yet. And I would go nuts if she did, I just spent a fortune on stamp duty buying the freakin place, especially for her to live in while I''m away.

Now that you say your W had a fantasy about another life, a different life I think mine is going through the same. On the home computer I noticed in the Google search box that she had been looking up erotic websites, not porn, but rather erotic literature. She is a clean cut girl, the first time she has done anything like that (I think). Perhaps she is fantasizing about other men and another life.

I cant help but think this is a mid life crisis in the making. If it is, it will end in tears as it will come to an abrupt end or lead to her meeting someone else, by then it will be too late. Two small childrens lives are at stake here, not to mention mine. If she does this for an erotic fantasy she is ever the less woman I thought she was. And good riddance basically.

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06 Sep 12 #354176 by Hacked Off
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Hi again,

Interestingly, I found diaries (inadmissable in court due to the famous Immerman case in 2010) in which my wife had written stuff about other men, one in particular who she wanted to be with (never happened). Yep, 99% of it probaby was fantasy but these were real people she knew, was writing about and I couldnt take it. Personally, I think you need to be at home at get this sorted, one way or the other. You also need to protect your assets. Things can get very messy where money is concerned. I''ll spare yu the details but I could never have imagined that my wife would become such a money grabbing b*tch. It was my house, bought in my name before I even met her. i also have another couple of rental houses. I think she would like to have seen me homeless. Thank god for a good barrister, although it cost a few grand.

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06 Sep 12 #354191 by KnowledgeisPower
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yep, there are quite a few assets involved. both liquid and not. So a good barrister is what I will need. Care to PM me with a recommendation?

We are going away for two weeks to the Caribbean near the end of the month, so much will be discussed then. one of them will be me heading home. But I am not giving this job up for naught, if she wants me home to just serve me divorce papers. No way. i gave up my last job for her, I am not doing this one as well.

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06 Sep 12 #354194 by GM06
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Hi - I just read your whole story and the replies.
I am at the beginning of a break up however your experience reminds me of my last break up (when will I learn hey)
My husband worked away during the week and came home at weekends but also spend up to 3 months at a time in the USA when our only communication was email, calls etc. At first I missed him so much it hurt but in time and not for any reason I started to build a life for myself and him coming home became a hinderance... it got to the point where I would wish something would " come up" so he could not come home or come home later than planned. He tried, he really really tried to turn it round, holidays, presents, talks, weekends away - everything but my feelings did not change. I did not have anyone else in the background or have an affair but I did start to think of how my life would be without him and talked myself into wanting to be without the restrictions the relationship kept me in.
I know now I shoud have just told him all this but I kept trying to be "gentle" about it and said the ususal "its not you its me" and "love you but not in love with you" - I was a coward and should have just told him straight.
Result was we split and he had a breakdown, I am not proud of my behavior and as the years have passed he has gone on to be very happy with someone else.
Like it or not womens minds do work differently, men are logical and women emotional and that does not help in these situations.
I remember him asking me " Is there anyone else" and I said " yes.... me !" and it was very true. I just wanted me, my life, my way.
I got just that in the end but it turned out the grass was no greener, indeed it was awful but thats another story.
The reason for sharing this with you is that I wanted to say that whilst its possible for there to be a 3rd party I dont think there is. Reading her responces to you remind me of how I was - sadly she sounds like she just want to be alone or she thinks that is what she wants.
I really hope things work out for you the best they can.
Good luck
:-)

  • soulruler
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06 Sep 12 #354222 by soulruler
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Hacked off,

Remember this that discretion is the better part of valour.

The immerman v tchenquiz decision is much misunderstood. In that case the people concerned were both multi millionaires and Tchenquiz brothers collectively "repsonsible" for bankrupting a total nation - that being Iceland and their national bank.

The point was really that both of them, being the immerman family and the tchenquiz family were totally ruthless ( in my mind corrupt).

If you google that case you should be able to find pictures of Mrs Immerman dressed in her fir coat, her brother who was a business associate of the Immerman brothers hardly whiter than white (? strange precedent there).

You have not gone into disclosing finance and asking for anton piller orders (which was what they were attempting dispite their insider information) what you were doing was attempting to disclose letters of intimate nature. HUGE difference in morality and law.

Take a step back from Imerman v Tchenquiz and try and see what a magnificent distinguishing precedent that is in law, not just for the judicary but for everyone else including self litigants and legal representatives.


I think that Imerman v Tchenquiz is the best potential precendent of all time; saying that we have to make it real.

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