Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

Buddy I guarantee you 100% there is someone else in the picture. Whenever someone drops the ILYBNILWY bomb there is always third party involvement. We''ve seen it countless times on here. Even if it''s not a physical affair yet, there is definitely something going on with another guy.

NoWhereToTurnl wrote:

Hi and welcome to wiki,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this tragic and difficult situation.

My first thoughts on reading your post is the possibility that your wife might be suffering a degree of post natal depression. Your new baby would have been approaching 4 months old when you started your contract, this is a time when some mum''s start finding things difficult.

I fully understand how you had gone to every effort to make life at home easier for your wife and you must not blame yourself. For many mum''s having a nanny would be wonderful but sadly, in some circumstances, especially depression, it can exacerbate feelings of worthlessness.

Try to gently get your wife to open up to you, listen, but don''t react when she is negative. Give lots of positive reinforcement and tell her how much she and the children mean to you. If possible, spend time together as a couple, court her again.

Even though she is not willing to attend counselling, it would benefit you to go on your own. Relate do excellent books that could also help. Another avenue would be to visit your GP and Health visitor. All this of course will be dependant on when you have to return to continue your contract, would it be worth exploring the possibility of taking your wife & children back with you?

I am sorry I have not been able to give you a definitive answer but in your situation I would not give up yet.

Big hug & best wishes for things turning out well.

NWTT

Thanks but there is no way I can do those things as I am now back in China. We both decided it was for the best as if I stayed it would make matters worse and she wanted the space.

When we call we have great conversations, laugh, talk at ease but when I bring up trying again, its an emphatic no.

It seems she has moved on and wants us to be friends, thats it. I cant accept that when everything seemed fine and then out of the blue, bang.
How can I allow the break up of this family without a fight or without at least exploring our options.

KnowledgeisPower wrote:

We both decided it was for the best as if I stayed it would make matters worse and she wanted the space.

Better for her, yes. So she can do what she likes with her new man without you looking over her shoulder.

When we call we have great conversations, laugh, talk at ease but when I bring up trying again, its an emphatic no.

Yes of course. She doesn''t want you to be angry. She wants to keep it amicable as long as she is getting her way. As soon as you start sticking up for yourself, I guarantee you the worm will turn.

It seems she has moved on and wants us to be friends, thats it.

Friends... friends........ (expletives deleted)

Why do they always say that right after they rip your heart from your chest and jump up and down on it with spiked boots? Really is this how "friends" treat each other? If any "friend" of mine did that, I would tell them to go f**k themself. But maybe I have just been reading too many of haway''s posts

I just wanted to say isn''t wiki great - because you have had two very different and diverse reactions - Wiki at its best because we bring different experiences.

I have no answers - but I hope you can find a way forward. It must be extremely difficult working so far away with this happening.

Very best wishes.

Just another thought to throw into the pot of my experience of being married to a man for nearly 32 years who regularly worked overseas for periods of up to 8 weeks at a time.

I honestly used to look forward to him being away and being ''my own person''. It was hard in the early days when the children were young but, as I got older and the relationship deteriorated, I honestly dreaded the thought of him coming home and all the demands he put on me. Him being away has made me much more independent. Putting an end to the marriage when the children were small wasn''t an option as far as I was concerned. Then I guess it just became a habit and I felt it was too late to properly confront my feelings. Then, bang, decision made by him when I caught him out. He had no desire to work at putting things right and just upped and went.

It''s hard for me to admit it, but I think I''d been in a unhappy marriage for many years but was too much of a coward to do anything about it. What I am trying to say is that you being overseas may have made your wife realise that life is OK without you. She may have secretly been unhappy for some time and thought that you going away would be a test and help her to make her mind up. There might be someone else, or maybe she just wants to be ''her own person'' and not be overshadowed by you. My ex husband is an academic/intellectual (albeit with no common sense) and I was always made to feel inferior, and, in the end, worthless.

I don''t think you can 100% say that there is another man. She may feel envious about the lifestyles of people around her at work, who knows. Just try to keep gently talking to her and hope that she can explain where it''s all coming from.

Good luck, and welcome to Wiki.

Action wrote:

Just try to keep gently talking to her and hope that she can explain where it''s all coming from.

But if she is having an affair, what will that achieve? It will just allow her more space to weave her den of lies and get her further and further up the path of screwing the guy over financially. The longer he plays doormat, the worse off he''ll be.

IMO... she says it''s over... it''s over. I don''t know of any woman who would change her mind after saying ILYBNILWY, no matter how much "gentle talking to" you do. She is not in love with you. Period. She is not going to fall back in love after some gentle talking to. And yes it is predominantly women who use this phrase. Sorry but it''s a dead relationship. Might as well face the facts and start to make steps towards ending it formally and reaching a financial resolution.

All in my opinion of course... others views may vary... but if anyone wants to bet me £50 that I''m wrong then I''ll take that bet, and I mean real cash money too, in the post!

I''m not a gambler cookie and you may well be right, but I only wanted to convey that if I am truly honest with myself, I wanted my marriage to be over long ago and there definitely was not anyone else involved as far as I was concerned.

If there another man in Knowledge is Power''s case then I agree, it''s best to get on with sorting things out and not give her time to fleece him financially. I suppose I just hope that someone somewhere might have the decency to be honest with their spouse in explaining where things have gone wrong (not necessarily with a view to getting back together) instead of shifting the blame onto the ''dumped'' half. Maybe I''m naive but I certainly don''t want to argue about it.