Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

Well it was my ex best friend that ran off with my ex husband.

She came across as totally capable, great fun, independent and ethical but within days of kicking her husband out of their house (they had only been married 3 years and she went into the marriage with loads of debt and came out with half his assets) she had moved my husband in (apparently because she was helping him with his marital problems.

Many people have affairs and as you say it is just a fact of life, people change, people move on people fall out of love (in fact it may well be that really your wife did not love you in the way you thought but was using you to a large extent as a meal ticket and a bit of a doormat and a mug).

The fact that she can be so deceitful, take your money, go on a holiday of a lifetime and act as everything is normal (and by all accounts she is still giving you that same old line) speaks for itself so you have to believe it and trust in your inner self and your instincts.

There are enough people on this site whose marriage broke down and they did end up having a relationship with someone else but those people are honest about it and can explain why it was that they ended up leaving and having an affair.

I am afraid I believe your wife comes into the bxxxh catagory (sorry not nice I know) but then my ex best mate and my ex husband also fall into that catagory and for a very long time I fell into the doormat catagory (my Mum often used to tell me during my marriage I was so changed, so different from myself and so bent over double trying to placate and please my ex that I had become a total doormat and she did not recognise me as her daughter anymore).

You have an opportunity now for a better life, for a journey into self appreciation. Strangely you are used to living on your own because of your job (I was used to living on my own for many years because my ex used to work away).

Good luck Kip as you have already realised Knowledge is Power and I do recall you saying early on in this thread that you did believe that you were more intelligent than your wife or words to that effect so use that intelligence to your best advantage these coming months.

Do not rock the boat or let your wife know that you are catching up with her fast, her actions and her deceit.

I also wouldn''t spend too much on legal fees and advise at present if she petitions you for divorce whilst you are away you will soon get to find out when the Petition lands at your door.

Concentrate on not letting her run up increasing debt, take control of the finances and do not let them run away and start the mental preparations for separation and divorce and staying in the lives of your two children.

hi kip i totally understand my husband did exactly the same to me after a 30 year relationship where we actually were really happy and loved each other dearly. Mine hit 49 and has had a mid life crisis on a spectacular scale.
My stbx denied and lied about everything and still does and i mean eveything it is almost like he has gone so far down that road he cannot stop himself.
All i can say really is you have to make plans for the way you want this to happen and how you want to move things forward when you return.
Sadly the partners we knew and loved are not there any more and whatever they say to us they are only interested in themselves and their new shiny world without us in it.....
I hate to say this but it is now time for you to be secretive about what you are doing dont tell her you have a solicitor etc etc
good luck and stay strong ......

Hi Kip

Good to hear you sounding so strong but sorry it has come to this. At least you found Wiki early on. We all have different stories to tell and pain to bear but we do actually understand because we have all lived the torture in one way or another. We are truly empathic - people who haven''t lived through it just don''t understand.

Not surprised your wife isn''t starting proceedings yet with all the luxury and lifestyle she''s living! Talk about having cake and eating it. I wonder if, for one moment, she has considered that her life will need to change.

Use your time wisely in gathering information and catching up with her. I expect you will be home for Christmas which should be interesting. In a way you have a bit of an advantage over some of us, who had the ''rug pulled'' over night, as you have the time to do research and think about your decisions. You''re not still in the initial shock stage as this is something that has just recently confirmed your long-term suspicions.

Will you be able to work in the UK after this contract has finished? It might be worth lining something up sooner rather than later in the guise that you want to spend more time with the family so that you''re not later on accused of reducing your income on purpose. That''s what my ex did BTW, but we didn''t have young children so it was very different. In fact he claimed he''d only worked overseas so much to get away from me. The overseas work was the Absolute foundation of his business for all of our 31 year married life so that was news to me!

Keep strong and keep posting.

Big hugs.

Thanks All so Much.You have no idea how much this is helping.

Do u want custody ?
Or visitation ?

custody, but I doubt I''ll get it. No judge in their own right would take a 1 year old and a 3 year old away from their mother and give them to the father who has been away from the marital home for a year.

I guess just visitation then, but I f I knew their was a fighting chance for custody I''d fight for it.

Come home, get involved, and apply for shared custody.