Wife serves me the "news" while abroad

Residency, custody hasn''t been used since 1989, the word is defunct and annoys judges.

Ok, come home, get involved hands on, and apply for shared residence.

CF

KiP,
I just wanted to offer my support and empathy...
I had the rug pulled from under my feet almost 3 months ago when my husband walked out on me and our 2 kids.
I was in a zombie-like stage until I found out that he had almost immediately thrown himself into another "serious" (in his words) relationship, and I broke down. I have been a mess ever since, I cry every day and often wish I wasn''t here.
It is uncomprehensible that he can feel free to float on his infatuation cloud and do whatever he wants while my world has stopped; I''m stuck. I still have feelings for him, so like you, I fantasise about him coming back. But in order to move on, we must let go. Until we let go, we are in limbo, and we keep torturing ourselves with hope that gets squashed time and time again... Remind yourself of how she has behaved and treated you whenever you miss her. And you shouldn''t have to talk your spouse into staying with you. I managed to talk my stbx to stay with me when he broke up with me the first time (over 4 years ago). I never felt secure in the relationship, because I could sense that he wasn''t fully committed, I didn''t feel loved.

You say that your wife is your intellectual equal, but it sounds like she does not feel like she is. It sounds like she informed you of her decision whilst you were abroad to gain power and to finally feel like she has the upper hand. That''s the thing with insecure people with low self-esteem; sometimes they feel like they need to be with someone who is "lower" than them, otherwise they are constantly reminded of how small they feel. But a relationship should not be a competitive power struggle. So perhaps you need someone who is emotionally as secure as you.

If you withdraw finances to motivate her to stay with you, she would be staying with you for money, and you deserve more than that. The decent thing to do would have been for her not to have gone on the holiday. It sounds like she led you on so that she can continue enjoying the privileges of being your wife. But since she is no longer your wife in her mind, she was using you. She wants the cake and eat it too, as someone else said.
You have a lot going for you; you can and will find a woman who is independent and loyal. You did not break the family; she did. And she does not even seem to regret it. She is lying about her "affair" because she wants to keep it going.

I am not sure that breaking the 12 month contract when you are already 6 months in and rushing home to try to acheive joint custody is going to help you much - it is just 6 months.

It could also possibly go against you in court as it may be seen to be somewhat reckless and financially punative - breaking a contract you agreed to would be your choice and financially predjudice the whole family and your financial commitments.

Personally, I think it would be better to sit and think, realise that you will need to come back to the UK as your circumstances have changed and on grounds of divorce your wife entering into a relationship with another man which you find inappropriate is a ground for you to divorce - and a ground for you to be back in the UK once the contract is complete.

Circumstances in life change but reacting in a knee jerk sort of way maybe out of despiration might backfire. I also think that rushing back is likely to infame the situation with your wife and I can only imagine that it would be very painful for you being either in the marital home and trying to pretend nothing is wrong or having to find alternative accommodation to rent which would be a further strain on finance.

Respectfully, great alternate view.
Courts are not bothered about money. When it comes to residance they look at how involved the parent is..

KIP can not be involved hands on from a distance.

CF

Again thanks for the advise. At this stage I''m not even thinking about custody etc. I''m still trying to deal with betrayal and deception. All I want at the moment is the truth and I''m going to try find it.

Perhaps for some reason I''ll think the truth will finally set me free. All I know at the moment is she is sending pics of herself to another man at work. An Affair (emotional or physical) is pretty obvious but I''d like her to accept the fact that she has been deceptive and cruel to an extend that is not even imaginable to me or our friends.

I am no longer the villain and her the victim, the tide has turned and its a complete swap. Perhaps I want her to admit that what she has done is wrong on all counts and that I do not deserve this, thereby giving me solace that I tried everything I could to keep a family together and all she did was stab me in the back.

She will have to live with that, our family and friends will find out exactly who she is and her true colours are now showing for all to see. She will one day have to tell the kids what she has done to this family and their father.

Perhaps that''s my way of being vindicated, I don''t know. I am not going to waste any more time feeling as if I was the cause of this. She can now live with the guilt. I will not stoop as low as making life tough for her or hold resentment, I am not her, I am better than that.

Her demon closet just filled to the brim and my guilt tank dropped to zero. All energy towards those kids now. I hope they make it through unscathed what is about to follow.

CF, you are right I need to show that I am involved with those kids at the moment, but I will be home by the time any type of divorce proceedings start. I go home every 8 weeks and spend all time with the kids, I take them away etc and I have pics to prove it.

Hopefully the courts will see this. I am better able to support the family financially here than i am in the UK. I will be back in time to give physical and emotional support.