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Can someone please speak to my wife?

  • Progressor
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13 Aug 12 #349097 by Progressor
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I have posted a bit on the introductions and relationships thread....basically I feel my wife,being very vulnerable and damaged by an abusive upbringing, is being advised by her family and friends that splitting up is her best way forward. Unfortunately, she is very strong at presenting the situation in a very emotional way that gets every female on her side, because they are her family and or friends and cannot really imagine she would misrepresent things to them.
So that leaves me as the bad guy, the abuser (ironic if you read my other posts) etc.

I have been the victim of domestic violence and abuse for a decade and finally decided it must stop, since then my wife has found it very hard to be told she is wrong, her behaviour is wrong, and its damaging and just not "normal" or acceptable. This is the main reason we cannot move on, she feels that being told these things is me being horrible and abusive towards her.

Anyway, she has some good well balanced female friends, who know nothing of her background and of her history of abuse and DV in our marriage. I am trying to reach out to them so they can hopefully speak to her to try to get her to resolve things between us via counselling and psych help.

She seems to see the kids as her right, and if they are happy, living in a nice home I pay for, going to private school I pay for, driving them in a nice car I bought for them, then she and the kids will be fine without dad.

We have 3 girls and a baby boy, all of them 11 and under. Her own mother is incredibly damaged and was the victim of a horribly abusive marriage. My wife cannot seem to break the cycle.

I am scared to death of my kids being taken away from me and also them growing up and somehow inheriting or learning how to act out a damaged relationship in their future.

I really feel my wife can see sense if she speaks to those who know the whole story, and or those who have been through it and can tell her divorce really is a last resort and that the kids are hugely negatively impacted without dad full time.

So to the ladies out there, if you have been through divorce or separation (or in the process etc) (First I hope you got through it and are moving on OK) - do you think it would make sense for my wife to hear of the very very difficult impact on young children of divorce and life without dad? That may help reality sink in to her.

I literally feel like a heart attack is coming on, have to sit down, and am depressed for the rest of the week when i think for one second I may not be there full time for my kids.

She seems to think they will all be fine and dandy.

And no, I am not an abusive or horrible husband, I am not unfaithful, I am devoted to my kids, I spend most evenings and all weekends 100% with my family, even my friends take a distant second for my time. I am just a victim of DV and abuse who finally learned to not accept it anymore, now my wife calls me the abuser and is so vulnerable and lost she is being advised to divorce me.

I provide and provide well, I have given our family a nice house, nice cars, all kids in private school etc so they have never known anything but comfort. I really devote myself to being the best dad, I have found it hard to be a perfect husband for the reasons above.

Any advice most welcome please, and thank you.

  • Kitsi
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13 Aug 12 #349099 by Kitsi
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Tricky one and you must be feeling very isolated - I think its very brave of you to post on here and join this site. I don''t think ayone can be perfect- person, husband or wife.
I don''t have children but there is a fatastic book on line called ''how to be a good father in a bad relationship'' by Stephen Rees I can recommend and I can also recommend counselling for yourself if your wife won''t go, too.
If you are being pysically abused to me that is as unacceptable as if you were abusnig your wife- and my advice would be the same- keep notes, go and see your GP to get it logged- join a local mens group, read books devoted to the subject and above all ask your wife when in a more mellow mood to come to the GP with you- she may have undiagnosed meantal or hormonal or ptsd issues from her childhood.
Perhaps a separataion would be an idea? Or a short break? I wwould also advise seeing a solicitor to get their advice. I really frrl for you and wish you well. If you feel at any point your children are in danger please do not flinch. Talk to CAFCASS or your local social services and register your concerns. I totally understand your loyalty to your wife but this has to come second to your children;s wellbeing and just in case anyone shouts me down I will add that this advice is gegender neutral and I would give it to a woman as well as to a man.
Best wishes
Kitsi

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13 Aug 12 #349101 by Progressor
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Thanks VM Kitsi - the abuse of me has stopped since I demand it stopped 3 years ago. My wife has just involved lawyers and they write divorce is very likely (whatever that means) and she refuses to accept she needs any counselling or support. I feel quite OK in myself, I have come to terms with myself and no longer feel sorry for myself or feel a victim, I feel much better. But it appears the stronger I have become in refusing to be a victim, it has left her even more confused and her only refuge appears to be calling me the abuser now. We are in a forced separation now, with me not seeing my kids for the last month until I jump through all the hoops which I have now begun to do. If separation with her having space to think freely might work, i think its ok, but separation with all her support telling her she is a victim and I am horrible and why not divorce me. I just think she has no room to decide for herself, she is very very impressionable by the views of others. And they do not put my family first, they say the kids will be fine.

I am going to see social services and register my concerns with my GP, I hope they understand why I have never lodged my concerns before because I thought we could all make it better and also she point blank has refused any psych help as she says she doesnt want it on her record, so I indulged that.

  • sim5355
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13 Aug 12 #349114 by sim5355
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hi! you need to read up on narcissistic i think your wife may be one.

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23 Aug 12 #351464 by Progressor
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She ticks so many boxes linked to narcissistic behaviour, socipath, abuser, bi polar etc - the only conclusion I can draw that all these symptoms must point to something, but it is hard to obtain an assessment if the person point blank refuses to acknowledge their behaviour and instead blames me for being abusive etc......

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