Hec, where do I start! At the beginning I suppose.......
Met husband when I was 15, spent a few months together then parted company because my parents didn''t approve! Got back together 4yrs later, had a baby (unplanned (I know it takes two but he said he was being "careful"!)), moved in together as a family and had another baby two years later, got married and went on to have another baby. So, to sum it up, we have three children aged 20, 18 and 14 years (all living at home still). Been married 16 years, own a house (with mortgage), husband self-employed, me not working at present.
I suppose at this point I ought to just mention that my husband is an emotional/mental abuser, he has never hit me but it has come close to it in the past and I know it is only a matter of time before he crosses that line and yes I am frightened of him. So what should be a "normal" run of the mill divorce suddenly becomes a bit more complicated.
If I dare to say that I want a divorce on grounds of U/B, he will kick off, so I want to avoid that route at all costs if I can. Ideally I want to take the "seperated for 2 yrs" route, but even this isn''t straight forward as I know he won''t move out and I can''t afford to rent as I don''t work, so it would be a case of living seperately under the same roof (nightmare!). I know that it is possible to apply to the courts to make him leave etc, but I do not want to make waves. I''m hoping that by doing things "gently", he will accept a divorce as a natural progression to having lived seperate lives (or not as a married couple).
Another reason for staying in FMH is that there is some structural work to be done on the house (extension in progress). If I go in all guns blazing stating I want a divorce, I know he will stall with the building works and the house will not be in a saleable condition then I will be stuck, good and proper!
I would be grateful for any thoughts and ideas from anyone who has been in a similar position to me and for any advice on the legal process.
I feel like a headless chicken at the moment, where on Earth do I start!
I ought to write a blog really, then I could write down my reasons for wanting a divorce for you all to see and understand, but I don''t think I''m emotionally up to opening old wounds just yet.
Living separately under the same roof to the satisfaction of a judge is not easy. You cannot do ANYTHING together. Not eating, not doing each other''s washing up, laundry, cooking, shopping, NOTHING. You must be totally separate, like housemates but in fact even more separated. I will cook and eat together with my housemate sometimes, or we pick things up from the shops for each other, and you must not even do that. And what happens when he wants to bring another woman round, takes up playing the drums, or household items start disappearing? Even after all of that, if the judge is not satisfied, then you''ll be back to square one.
That is not to say it is impossible to be separated under the same roof, some people do manage it successfully. But it is a lot harder than you might think, and that is even when your husband is a nice chap. And yours clearly isn''t. So I think in your circumstances it would be a very bad idea to attempt this. You would be much better off going for unreasonable behaviour. You can phrase the grounds in a non-confrontational way and in fact ask your husband what he would be OK with you putting down. If he turns into an arse then there are steps you can take to gte a divorce whether he likes it or not, but I would do this as a first step.
Every house is in a saleable condition. It is just a matter of price. There is no such thing as a "house that won''t sell", there is just a "house that won''t sell for as much as you want it to". You won''t necessarily have to sell anyway - you have a dependent child living there, possibly 2 depending what the 18yo is doing.
Sounds like I''m damned which ever way I turn. Feel like returning to my shell to hide again.
Men like my husband are experts at emotionally wearing their wives/partners down to the point that we have little or no strength or courage to instigate divorce proceedings for fear of the consequences.
Just when I think I may have found a solution to get out and am able to muster the strength to act, I find a million and one obstacles in my way.
There is no easy way out of this is there!
No, I''m afraid there is no easy way out. You have to find the path of least resistance that guarantees you get to your destination. Staying as you are might be easiest but you''ll still be there in 5 years time -- wishing you had acted 5 years ago.