Legal position after Husband''s affair

Hi, can anyone offer me advice?

Husband had long standing affair, admitted it last October & has admitted to still being in contact with OW. He says he''s confused, doesn''t want our marriage to be over but doesn''t want to end up on his own either so is keeping OW on the side!!!!

After 4 years of my suspicions before he admitted to affair, of being constantly lied to/deceived, it has left me an emotional mess with very little self esteem & confidence. I feel emotionally numb & confused. I''ve had counselling for 8 months but still feel torn about whether to stay & ''work'' on marriage or to divorce/separate. I feel love for my Husband but can''t think why after the way he has treated me. He wouldn''t let me tell our child about affair & I was frightened of the fallout or what he might do/say if I did so didn''t tell child. Now I wish I had as it has badly affected me & the way I function & I feel like I''m keeping things from our child, who I must say, seems largely unaffected, thank God!

Husband would not leave marital home when I asked him, to give me space so I moved into my parents house for some respite from the atmosphere but continued to use marital home on occasion & for doing washing etc. I have been at parents with my child for 9 months now.

Needless to say after 20 years together, married for 14 years & with one 12 year old child its not a decision I''m finding easy to make & I''ve been to hell & back.

I want to know where I stand legally, if I return to Husband & give my failing marriage one last chance. What do I do if I find 6 months to one year down the line that nothing is better & I no longer want to be with him? I understand I won''t be able to use previous affair as grounds for divorce & my Husband is the kind of clever/manipulative man who would make sure he covered his tracks well & appeared to be the perfect Husband & Father. Does this mean that I will only be able to use desertion or separation? This means two years or more of stretching out the inevitable divorce !

Has anyone been through this? PLEASE HELP x

tornintwo wrote:

doesn''t want our marriage to be over but doesn''t want to end up on his own either so is keeping OW on the side!!!!

In other words, have his cake and eat it!!!

He does not sound like the type who deserves another chance but if you are determined to give him one, I would lay down some ground rules. Tell him these in person not over email or phone:

1) He does not have any contact with OW ever again. He will call her up RIGHT NOW with you present and tell her this. No going into another room for a private chat, and after that call, that is it FOREVER. He will never contact her, and if she contacts him he will bring it straight to you without replying.

2) He will answer any questions you have honestly and immediately without "thinking about it" or complaint.

3) He has no privacy. He has proven that he cannot be trusted. In time that trust will need to be re-built but for now he has lost it. He will show you his phone and all messages on it right now, without "just going to the toilet" to have a sneaky deletion session. And he will show you at any point in the future that you want to see it. He will give you all passwords to email, facebook, everything. He will be completely open with you about everything.

4) You will attend marriage counselling.


If he does not agree to these rules right then and there, then he clearly is not serious enough to save the marriage. If he agrees but subsequently breaks any of these rules then it is over. You will explain this to him very clearly. No second chances because he''s already on probation after what he''s done. Either he wants to save the marriage, or he does not. In or out.

He wouldn''t let me tell our child about affair

Well, I think most people would agree with him on that point. Do not bring children into adult business.

What do I do if I find 6 months to one year down the line that nothing is better & I no longer want to be with him?

You divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Virtually every single person in the country can use UB if it is phrased right. You do not have to make out that he is some kind of demon. You can use things such as not sharing time together, not treating you enough, lack of intimacy, even leaving the toilet seat up. If you want a divorce then you can get one, and there is not a thing he can do to prevent it.

omg we could be twins. Been there done that, right down to the refusal to tell the children ...

I forgave once. When I found out he was still seeing ow in secret I asked him to leave, he wouldn''t (told you we were twins). I moved out. It was by then too late to sue for divorce on grounds of adultery - for which I''m sort of grateful as only since being on wikivorce have I realised that proving adultery is very difficult. I filed for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour in which adultery turned into ''an inappropriate relationship with another woman''. It''s very easy to come up with enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour - just search the forum and you will find loads of examples.

For me things only got better when I left the FMH and instigated minimal contact.

Take care - exploit your new wiki friends for support and advice.

Torn in two - I am unable to give you a long reply now but I will be back in touch later - I just wanted you to know that someone had replied until the others come along, as they surely will.

As you use this site more you will find that many of us have been put through this intolerable ''should I stay or go with the OW'' cat and mouse game that the stbx''s (soon to be ex''s) play at our expense.

And it is intolerable. It is making you unwell. It is affecting your relationship with your child - twelve - such a difficult age - and there is often debate on here about how much we should tell children of various ages.

But, whoever you need to protect - you and your child, and your freindships you no longer have to protect your husband - he clearly does not have your own best interests at heart - he is simply protecting himself in a rather cowardly and bullying way - by telling you not to tell your child. He should have thought of that first.

One of the first (and hardest) things we have to learn it to trust our own instincts and have the courage of your convictions. It is so very hard not to share decision making with your husband - but know now - this is no longer a man you can trust - and I am sad to say - will probably never be again - however much you want it to be so.

Read Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark.

Keep posting.

It is hell - I have never felt emotional pain and confusion like it. You will be in turmoil. You are not mad. Dig deep - learn to trust yourself. Take care.

Others will be able to give practical advice about the house and legal ramifications.

Thank you Cookie2. I really appreciate your reply. I''m just scared I''m going to be in this limbo forever. Scared to be on my own with child, house, full time job! I don''t know what I want actually. I''ve stopped even being able to feel what is right/wrong or what I want. I should have laid down the law years ago. I did try actually but obviously I didn''t make it clear enough!

What do I tell a 12 year old then? I want to be able to be honest & to be able to answer questions honestly. I am a hopeless liar! I also want child to know that affairs are wrong. If I was to make a decision to leave Husband, I was considering saying to child that Daddy has had a girlfriend & that in a marriage this is wrong, I am so hurt by this that I can no longer stay with him but that he is a wonderful Father & I don''t want anything to ruin that etc. What do you think? Still not suitable?

Thanks for suggesting what I do /say if I go back. I really needed to have that laid out in point format. Its a real help. If I do that & he says he can''t do those things right now/has no response to some of them do I tell him its over then & I am not going to discuss further?

As regards filing for divorce in the future, what will I use as counts of unreasonable behaviour if he tries everything to restore marriage but I just can''t ''get over'' his affair?

Thanks x

Pixy, thank you so much for this. So sorry, you have been through this too.

Did you know you ''d had enough as soon as you found evidence of your ex''s secret contact with OW the second time around or was it still months & months of torment & worry over what to do?

With UB, I know I could probably find a few reasons to state but what if Husband then denies them all or maintains that he has been ''Mr Perfect''?

Thanks x

tornintwo wrote:

If I do that & he says he can''t do those things right now/has no response to some of them do I tell him its over then & I am not going to discuss further?

Yes, if he says he will not agree to the rules or tries to negotiate different terms then it just proves that he is still trying to wriggle his way out of the consequences of his actions. The rules are not negotiable. It is not a discussion. It is terms and conditions for you to give it another try. If he does not agree to the terms and conditions then he obviously is not 100% committed to fixing the marriage, and there is no point discussing anything other than the terms of your divorce.

As regards filing for divorce in the future, what will I use as counts of unreasonable behaviour if he tries everything to restore marriage but I just can''t ''get over'' his affair?

I gave a few examples above as did the others. It is pretty easy for almost anyone to think up some UB grounds.


As for what to tell your son, it''s not really my area of expertise But I would avoid telling him anything because you''re hurt. Do not use him as an outlet for your frustration/anger with your husband. Do not lie to him, but there is no need to tell him everything. I would say you need to be in a good place mentally yourself, before you are able to objectively tell him. But since you''ve been living at your parents for 9 months you most have told him something already??