Just looking for some moral support really as there seem to be a lot of helpful people on here.
Have been married 26 years, no kids. Wife always had a foul temper and liable to change moods instantly and I was able to put up with it but in more recent years it has escalated into very nasty, almost constant verbal abuse and some physical abuse including one nasty incident putting me in hospital for 4 days. We are still living together although I have been sleeping on sofa for nearly a year. Things have got significantly worse since I called the Police a couple of times, once when threatened with a pan of boiling water and again when I was hit in face causing split lip. She is now upset about Police incidents and starts goading / abusing almost as soon as I walk into the house.
I have tried to leave several times and have stayed in hotels or with my Mum but I always get lured back on some pretext and I don''t feel I have the moral courage to actually depart and rent a flat. I even had a flat lined up and got credit checks etc done a couple of years ago but pulled out because my wife kicked up such a stink.
I have spoken to a good solicitor several times so I know all the mechanics of a divorce, but I can''t seem to just take that step of moving out, getting a proper safe place to live and instructing the solicitor to file.
I suffer so much harassment each time I try to leave, on mobile phone, office phone, calls to my Mum that it is easier just to go along with things. Sounds pathetic I know. I do not love my wife but I do not want to hurt her or worse still wind her up as that always leads to trouble.
I earn good money and am sole breadwinner. I have no problem with paying maintenance etc but she is now filtering money out of our joint account into her sole one as "compensation" for "all the hassle I have caused". Threatens that if I rent a flat she will take equal amount out of the joint account although I will still be paying mortgage etc on marital home. I am off to open my own bank account today but it''s not really a game I want to play.
I know what I need to do, but taking that first final step is just so difficult, and it never seems to be the right time. Basically it is an abusive relationship and I have been controlled so successfully that I seem to have lost the get up and go to sort things out for my own benefit.
Anybody out there been in a similar situation that can offer some support?
After 26 years together you are actually now being subjected to domestic violence.you are only staying not because you love her you are afraid genuine fear at the consequences of the violence and obsessional vindictiveness she will unleash upon you should you leave her.mate she has hospitalised you for four days and you still write as if that was one of those things.your self esteem has been demolished obliterated nobody should ever allow some other xxxx to smack them about to continually verbally abuse them and make every minute of your life a living hell.a either because they are in the process of abusing you or b you are stressing about when and why and how they are going to abuse you next.
This is not a game she''s already spending out the joint account you are the bread winner only pay in money to cover bills and her housekeeping.ffs get your own bank account so she can''t clean you out get all your important financial papers out the house and then get a flat and leave her go to counselling you need it for the domestic violence.if she harassed you report her to the police and get her locked up .I''m telling you for sure she has borderline personality disorder they can''t keep their temper and she could end up killing you. Pans of boilmg water ffs time pro run and don''t look back. You earn the money time to ditch this abusive xxxx and look after yourself . Just do it.
All the best HRH x
You definitely need to get out as soon as possible.You will be able to start a peaceful new life for yourself.There is an organisation similar to Womens Aid for men and I think it''s called Mankind.Please contact them for help to find the courage to leave and for the support you need.xxx
Thanks all three for your advice. You are telling me what I know anyway but it helps a great deal to get some perspective from outside as I am pretty much isolated from any support (family / friends) by wifes behaviour.
Will seek out another flat next week and see if I can get further this time.
This forum is a great resource and hopefully I will be able to post something useful to help others as time goes on.....
Hiya,a long marriage,and a long time to be subjected to this sort of treatment,nobody has the right to treat another in this way,accept that you may love her,but if she loves you would she treat you like this???
This woman clearly has some major problems,and clearly you are the one that is suffering,the physical and mental abuse,and also the isolation from family/friends,so now do something that maybe totally out of character,put yourself first as HRH says,get all relevant documents away from the house,sort out your bank,and concentrate on finding yourself somewhere to live.
It is a major step to take,but if you don''t she could end up killing you,but leading this life,you are effectivly killing yourself,we are only here once,so go and find the peace that you now need,heal yourself and find your new life,it is up to her how she wants to live hers,but she is her own problem,not yours.
Luv and cwtchs
Aerodyne,I have looked at the ManKind website and I do think they could give you the extra support and advice you need to make a new start.They have trained people to help who are used to dealing with men in your type of situation.Unfortunately there are lots of men as well as women in abusive relationships and there is help available for both sexes.
Thinking of you and hoping you find the help you need. xxx