I am just at my wits end with this whole process! So I just need to rant and vent today...... Sorry.... After years of mental and emotional abuse from my STBX and his countless affairs, i finally managed to pluck up the strength to ask for a divorce in July 2010. At the time he was out of work too, only adding to the stress, so he couldn''t move out. We have two children 14 and 11 now, so we stayed in an odd situation and just kind of carried on as normal!
Then in May 2011 he finally got a job and moved away during the week to be closer to it. However he still came back every w/end. This was fairly bearable for a time. However, in Sept ''11, things took a turn for the worse and arguments became an every day occurence and he then threatened me with an iron in his hand and calling me a number of expletives in front of our youngest. I phoned my solicitor at the time who immediately called me in to get things moving and get him to court. We were in court two days later and obtained a Non Molestation and Occupancy Order and he had to vacate the property that day (Dec ''11). However, 3 days later he attended court to contest it and the same judge that issued the original order, over turned it and granted him back in the house with a revised occupancy and non molestation order! The atmosphere was unbearable and we were allowed to have alternate nights in our lounge at w/ends and designated times to use the kitchen! It was almost impossible and over the last few months stbx has regularly flounted those orders yet there is nothing I can do to prove it!
Although I had a solicitor then, we were waiting for legal aid to come through and only took him to court as I got emergency aid. However, in January the Legal Services refused me Legal Aid saying that my property was over their threshold limit so therefore I did not qualify. (I am a single parent, working p/t and on tax credits).
So I was dropped by that solicitor immediately but he said he would finish the divorce off for me!!
So I phoned another soliticor to ask for advice and she said that this was wrong and she did cases every day and the house shouldn''t have been considered as it was in dispute! She couldn''t take me on and submit a fresh claim as I was going through mediation, so would have to wait.
We managed to work through some differences at mediation and came to an agreement that he would let me and the children stay in the home till our youngest was 18 and he would pay his half of the secured loan we have and give me child maintanance. But he wanted to stay in the property for some time living a ''normal'' life with me and the boys. Both myself and the mediators were very concerned that this clearly wasn''t a ''normal'' situation and that he could not expect us to carry on in this vein. He did not see why he couldn''t.....!!!
Just as we were about to sign the final draft, my stbx attacked our eldest round the throat because he back-chatted!!! At this time I didn''t realise what had gone on as I wasn''t there and when I came back our eldest was in tears but I thought it was because he had had his xbox taken away !!! However the next day he told me what his ''dad'' had done and that he had contacted childline over it! I called the police and reported it but explained that I was worried that this would cause further upset in an already delicate situation.
Social Services were called and also Women''s Aid. Things seemed to move forward quite a bit but we were still living this awful nightmare at the w/ends and he then called me a ***** in front of the kids and was threatening. The court order says that this is not allowed, yet when I reported it and told them they did nothing!
Through Women''s Aid they said I was at high risk of domestic abuse and would need to go and stay with my parents at w/ends when he was in the home. They found me a solicitor and I told her everything and she promised she would get the Occupancy Order changed and we got all the paperwork together to start a fresh claim for Legal Aid. That was 8 weeks ago!
The worst thing is that STBX work shut down for 3 weeks over the school summer holidays so myself and my children had to move in with my parents for that time and still are doing so at w/e now! This is causing no end of stress and strain on us - and = he is in the house and doesn''t pay anything towards the bills yet quite happily sits there and uses my gas etc .... We are squashed up in a three bed house (5 of us) causing my parents a bit of stress too, whilst he has the luxury of my beautiful home all to himself! He hasn''t paid the mortgage since December and I am paying it all, we have joint debt which is mounting up, I''ve left countless messages to the solicitor to chase legal aid and she never answers me. Women''s Aid were brilliant and said they would push it, but for the last 5 weeks they''ve been on holiday or out and unable to contact me!
I''ve had enough and don''t know what to do next - also my divorce is at Absolute stage last week and I should have gone to court to sign the form and pay the money etc, but I just found out that if you don''t have the finances and arrangements for the children in place, that the judge won''t grant it! No one is helping us and I feel totally alone - I have daily phonecalls from all the debt companies threatening repossession now, I''m at a complete loss as to what to do - I want to stay in my home at w/ends but the atmosphere is horrible and as we have no restrictions on the lounge during the day, we will find ourselves in there at the same time. It makes me so angry that a person can be allowed to treat another like this and not pay anything towards a house but still live there! This country is a flipping joke! The Court Orders are a joke too. Also when I go back into the home on a Monday, he''s left it in a right state - even the toilet was disgusting!!! I took pictures of it, but without legal aid and a solicitor I have no hope and I think over the next few weeks the repossession proceedings will start! Please help / advise!!
Oh, Hun you and you''re kids have been through so much. Can you not get emergency aid again, due to the attack on your child?
Otherwise, as you are paying the mortgage any way, would you be better off moving out and renting somewhere? Not paying the mortgage any more, and ultimately letting the bank repossess it. Depends I guess on how much equity is in it, and whether a repossession would pay off the mortgage and secured loan, and whether it would mean you lose a large amount of equity. However, if it is low in equity (ie comparable to going to court over it) then it might be worth the loss if it means you are no longer financially tied to this man.
another option could be to self rep while the waiting for the legal aid comes through. Could you apply for an occupancy order again, self repping? The attack on your son I''m sure would be grounds for applying for an occupancy order again.
Hopefully one of the experienced wikis will be on to advise you further.
Thank you for your suggestions, they are good, however, I have thought about the ''leaving the house and renting somewhere'' but, due to the amount of debt we have and arrears, our credit rating is shot and I really don''t think any landlord will be interested in renting to me now!
The police said the attack on my son although was morally wrong, was just considered an over chastisement!!!!! and was NOT a crime!! Every time I think I have got somewhere, something gets in my way. It seems that unless you actually are paying for legal advice they really don''t give a damn about you! I''m not sure I could get emergency legal aid and as the solicitor doesn''t seem interested in getting back to me ever then I don''t know how to go about it.
Could your parents act as guarantor for a rental? (I know my parents did this for my brother, who being young had no credit rating) will the repossession of the house cover your debts, or would there be some left outstanding meaning creditors chased you for the outstanding money?
All else failing, is the new solisitor close enough for you to visit? Maybe a visit in person will get you answers, being harder to ignore than a phone call :-/
Unfortunately with the secured loan, there would be enough equity possible to cover that and a few extra debts, but would leave nothing in the pot to get a place of my own. Yes my parents could act as guarantors but I didn''t think that a landlord would even consider me a suitable tennant as I have a crap credit rating. And yes I could visit the solicitor, but I''ve just been through so much and beaten my head against so many brick walls that it seems that I''m just waisting my time. You don''t realise how hard this process can be until you start it do you? And is this right about the Absolute not being granted if nothing financial etc is in place?
You do not need to have anyone telling you what a difficult circumstance you now face.
Hardcore problems for you and your kids and you parents.
Your husband is in the house using the utilities and you are paying the mortgage - STOP.
Take your name off all the utilites, tell the council that you no longer live there, stop paying ALL the mortgage, write to court and let them know that all the children are living with you in temproary accommodation with your parents and the FMH is potentially going into repossession.
You need to think hard and strong and not let the system make a victim out of your entire family.
Unbeliveable that so many people have to disadvantage themselves for one judge and one abusive man.
Hard times are coming and you need to be tough right now, stand up to the courts, to your abusive ex and to the mortgage company, definitely get your name off all the utilities stating the date which you left the house.
hi! I would ring legal direct thats what i done be a pain in the ass.If i were you i would change the locks you have a right to feel safe in your own home playing by the rules does not work you are on your own i found that out.xx