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Back on the old roller coaster

  • honeybeeee
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16 Sep 12 #356144 by honeybeeee
Topic started by honeybeeee
:(Since the first mention of Divorce, he has said he would like to save our marriage, twice infact.

He said the usual,
Not the girl he married.
To emotionally, & financially dependent on him.
Etc etc


The first sign of a hiccup, I step out of line, I''m not doing exactly what he expects me to do, or wants me to do.......

Now I#m back to being an emotional wreck again.Again I can''t eat, BUT still feel the overwhelming need to vomit(& as I''ve not eaten in days, there is nothing in tum)

He''s moved back out of our bedroom again.
Face on him "like a well smacked backside!!!!"

Naturally I can''t sleep either, coz am use to having him beside me.

Back to the feeling of terror of the unexpected.

The fear of being alone....

My grown up children,keep asking me why can''t I just go along with him for a pleasant life?????

Its nearly 6 in morning & I''ve got a long drive ahead of me this morning.

Want to just curl up & die.

The thought of having to live under same roof as him, til we sell the house fills me with dread....


Well, now as I''ve had a good rant, I''ll go back to bed & try to grab a few hours sleep!!

  • tinkerbell1606
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16 Sep 12 #356146 by tinkerbell1606
Reply from tinkerbell1606
Totally identify with all the feelings you have posted. It took me years to realise that I would never be the kind of wife my ex wanted, essentially a nodding dog, step ford kind.
There is so much more to life than being who someone else thinks you should be! I was more miserable and lonely in my marriage than I''ve been throughout the divorce process, it''s been tough but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can be myself without being constantly told I''m not good enough. I''m an ok person, I have good friends, and since we split up I''m able to eat without feeling sick all the time.
Life is too short for these kind of sick games, try and imagine how lovely it will be when you aren''t full of self doubt all the time that someone is feeding into to get you to do it all their way.
Your children, no matter how grown up are still children with no experience of how life is when it''s just you & him. Do what''s best for you, try & eat, it helps, try & sleep, ditto. Take care of yourself.
Tink x

  • sim5355
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16 Sep 12 #356149 by sim5355
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hi!
you are never going to be what he wants no matter what you do .you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don''t.
your husband sounds narcassistic as it seems it''s all your fault lol.take care and do some reading .xx

  • Shoegirl
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16 Sep 12 #356152 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
Firstly I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It''s soul destroying.

I''d like you to do one thing for me. Look up the term emotional unavailability. It sounds to me your husband is not able to connect with you because of his own issues. For some time, you may have been conditioned to think that "if only" I could do x y or z, them he will change and love me properly.

I''m going to ask some questions, I''m not intruding, you don''t have to respond to any of them. Treat them as private questions that you can ask yourself.

Do you find that you solve one thing bugging him, then something else comes along in its place for you to fix? Do you feel you are being measured against some impossible standard that is tantalisingly just out of reach? Do you feel the goalposts move constantly and nothing is ever good enough no matter how hard you try?

If you can relate to the sense of never meeting your husbands expectations, look up emotional unavailability and emotional abuse. I was in a very similar relationship for many years and it was a self esteem sapping existence where I was left with no sense of who I was and very damaged self worth. It took me some time to really get my head around the fact it was not me that was not good enough. The thing I had to concentrate on instead was why I ended up with someone capable of treating me so badly.

I too was afraid of being alone. Terrified in fact and that was one of the things that kept me tied to my husband for so long. I have been living alone for 20 months now and with a lot of work on me, I can absolutely say I love it. I would not go back to that soul destroying existence with my husband at any price. I have an overwhelming sense of inner peace now, happy in my own home without someone dragging me down all the time.

Don''t get me wrong, my husband was very calculated in how he controlled me. Lots of it was beneath the surface, he was very passive agressive.

Anyway, I''m trying to say two things really. One is please have a look into the things I have mentioned to see if that helps provide some insight into your situation. Secondly, being alone is better than you think it will be right now, trust me on that. It takes a lot of time and work to get there though but it''s worth every second invested in the end

  • pixy
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16 Sep 12 #356157 by pixy
Reply from pixy
((()))

Ask yourself - what is HE doing to save your marriage? Isn''t it all a bit one sided? Actions, as the cliche goes, speak louder than words, and if he''s setting you up to fail, then ''fail'' you will - except that it is really his failure not yours.

Building a new life on your own is hard but there are many of us on here who are living proof that it is possible. Have faith in yourself - you can do this.

  • Elphie
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16 Sep 12 #356165 by Elphie
Reply from Elphie
I can relate too, especially with all the threats of divorce, and the nausea which I also get really badly when I feel anxious.

We''d argue because I had done something wrong, something he didn''t like. He''d threaten divorce and I''d end up begging him to work at our marriage, and apologising profusely. What had I done wrong? It might be that I''d asked him to go to the counter to order food in a cafe, as I was feeding the lo. Or it might be that my phone was out of reception so I hadn''t been able to answer it. Or something else just s minor.

Finally, I took control and decided I couldn''t live life walking on egg shells and I told him I wanted a divorce. And I meant it. When he threatened it, it filled me with fear of the unknown - nausea, insomnia, emotional wreck. But when I realised it was what I wanted, and I was able to take practical steps towards it, the nausea, insomnia and other effects subsided. They didn''t go straight away over night, but they left as I was taking control, and finding out about how my life would be.

The fear is of the unknown and of having no control. Once you take control, and start finding out the practicalities of life on your own, it does start to get easier.

Take care xx

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