A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Mon/Fri 9am-6pm       Sat/Sun 2pm-6pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Another set of advice please

  • Becoming Bitter
  • Becoming Bitter's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
17 Sep 12 #356309 by Becoming Bitter
Topic started by Becoming Bitter
Hi all, and apologies for not coming back here for a while.

My previous post www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice...vicehelp-please.html says pretty much all of it up to Nov of last year.

Since then, have attended mediation (this was 2 sessions), where we both agreed that: I would give her all the equity and contents of the house, I would pick up and drop off the children for each contact weekend (every fortnight), pay her a sum of money instead of CSA (which worked out marginally more than CSA) and that neither pensions would be touched. This was agreed in Jan of this year, and my solicitor drew up the agreement and presented to her in Mar of this year.

I continued to pay the mortgage (albeit on interest only from Feb) until May payment, telling her 6 weeks in advance I couldnt carry on paying it, and then started maintenance from 1st June.

Whats happened since?

The offer that we ''agreed'' to at mediation still to this day remains unsigned by her.
I made the first maintenance payment on 1st June, and the next working day she contacted the CSA (so now pay slightly less than what we had ''agreed'')
I told her that this couldnt continue and would be pursuing it through the court - she then applied to court (blessing in disguise as we now have a First Hearing in Oct).

I had no option but to dispense of my solicitor, as I am no further forward now than when I first took the solicitor on. So I am self repping.

On her form E, she has said she wants: All equity and contents, pension sharing of my pension, but not hers, child maintenance, Spousal Maintenance.

Of these, I have no objection to the child maintenance, and never have.

I object to her wanting all the house - she says it is on the grounds that she needs to rehome the children (by means of purchasing another property), as the the children ''cannot sleep in the same room'' daughter is 10, son in 7. I agree with this, but she them deems it fine for them to stay with me in a single occupancy room on a military base?

I object to her wanting pension sharing - I am in the military, but have accrued 9 years before we lived together, 12 years whilst married, and 30 months since. She didnt work before we were married, but started once we got married. She works as a teacher, and original extimates (CETV) worked out that for the time married her pension was worth a little bit more than mine.

Spousal Maintenance - this makes me laugh - on the form E''s, my net income is 32k, hers is 40k, and she wants me to pay her maintenance?

child maintenance, as I have said before, I offered more than what the CSA now take, so the little extra is going to be saved for the children for when they are older.

In addition, she refuses to meet half way when it comes to picking up and dropping off the children, is insistent that I get the the children less than 52 days a year (bit of a theme occurring in my opinion), saying I must pick the children up on a Sat morning first thing as opposed to 7pm on a Fri night (I have to drive 2 hour round trip for collection, and again on a Sunday for dropping off)

Also, my son had a significant pre planned op, but she only told me AFTER he had come out from surgery.

The mental stress she has put me under is horrific, and it is all to do with control (which was the main reason I left).

In a nutshell, I have to put a chronological sequence of events for the judge - can anyone advise what to put in and what to leave out?

I have instances of her not answering the phone when I call to speak to the children (regularly on Tues and Fri and Sun) Not once since I left has she allowed the children to ring me - culminating in me buying a mobile phone for my daughter, which she is restricted on use by her mother!!

Not being at the FMH when I come to collect the children - instead insisting on me picking then children up from her mums (who is VERY hostile and intimidating towards me)

Not allowing me to have/see the children on birthdays and Christmas times

Not allowing me to use family camping equipment, knowing that this means I cannot take the children away on holiday

Changed the locks on the house and refusing to give me a new set of keys.

Begrudgingly put the house on the market, although refusing to lower the asking price despite very little interest in the house, even though the housing market has a reasonable turnover in the area

Insisted that I had to pick the children up from her mums because thats ''what her solicitor had ordered'' (addenum to this - I emailed her solicitor asking what gave her the right to dictate where I picked my children up from, as I thought that was a judges decision)

Constantly giving the children to me at weekend contact with ill fitting clothes and shoes that are woefully worn and torn.

Do I mention all of this? Do I keep the children specific issues separate to the issues between her and myself?

I have so much I want to write, but dont want to bog the judge down.

Many thanks

Becoming Bitter (or should that be more bitter than last time I posted)

  • somuch2know2
  • somuch2know2's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
17 Sep 12 #356321 by somuch2know2
Reply from somuch2know2
I sympathise with you- your ex wants it all as did mine (she didnt get it).

Firstly- kids and finances are seperate and your firt hearing is about the asset split.
The chronological order is simple, its important dates.

date when first cohabitating
date of marriage
date of house purchase
date of births
date of seperation

If she is on more than you she will not get SM- and on your salary it is doubtful that even if she was on less she would get it.

Contents will probably be split 50/50

Assets of the house- she could walk away with all due to the inability to rehouse you both with the money from the sale- but you will be entitled to a share of it when your youngest is 18, she remarries OR cohabitates for a certain time (make sure that is in there).

Pensions- if she has one too than you may not have to share. Just remember anything she goes for, you can go for in return. Its not a one way street.

As for the kids- pay the CSA rate- dont pay above. Until you have a Consent Order-just pay that. You should be able to get a discount on what you pay towards CSA based on the commuting you have to do to see your kids- and you should be able to pick t hem up Friday night. But if nothing can be agreed you can go to court for a defined contact order. to get the ball rolling you need to fill out a C100. I did, and wondered why I took so long to do so. We were in and out withing 30 minutes and I had gained access to my kids for the first time in 1 year.

Also- you really cant stop your wife from being an £rse in regards to information sharing. There are no laws against sharing information. The best advice I can give (coming from experience) is dont respond. That goes for every BS move she makes. The kids come with illfitting clothes- sending back with those clothes, but cleaned.

Your ex sounds very similar to mine. I stopped responding with anger and most times I just ignore because it just gives her an excuse to be a bigger %rse.

Try and get your first hearing turned into and FDR- it speeds things up and you should be able to do that if you have exchanged Es and have answered each other''s questions.

Good luck

  • Becoming Bitter
  • Becoming Bitter's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
17 Sep 12 #356326 by Becoming Bitter
Reply from Becoming Bitter
Thanks - leads me to 2 questions now:

1. When you say keep separate the kids and the finances - should I mention about the offer at mediation that we both ''agreed'' and then she never signed, as well as the maintenance that I offered then she went to CSA?

2. How do I turn a first hearing into an FDR?

My impression of this was a first hearing was to ascertain facts, a second hearing would be when the judge ''may'' say ''If I was to make a decision, this is what I would probably decide'' and then let both parties go outside to try and make it so it was ''our decision'', then that is it, or if we still cannot decide, come back for a third hearing where the judge then ''decides''?

Sorry to come straight back with another couple of questions

Thanks

  • somuch2know2
  • somuch2know2's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
17 Sep 12 #356334 by somuch2know2
Reply from somuch2know2
1. Absolutely. Finances for the kids (CSA) is included in what I mean by finances. Contact and her being an arze about it are not financial.

This needs to be brought up as it shows she is just being difficult and that you need a judge to most likely mediate or make a decision.

If you have both exchanged Es and have exchanged questions, and have time to answer you can speed up the process by BOTH agreeing to the first hearing being an FDR.

No worries- I completely know what you are going through

  • Becoming Bitter
  • Becoming Bitter's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
19 Sep 12 #356653 by Becoming Bitter
Reply from Becoming Bitter
Quick question - I read that ''a concise statement of apparent issues between parties'' as a tell the judge the whole story, but have seen snippets on the site about it being for issues that will only come to light once we see each others information required prior to First Hearing?

What do I put in this part?

My aim was to put in things like we attended mediation and ''agreed'' to a settlement, which she now wont sign?

Threatening me with legal action if I stopped paying the mortgage

Changing the locks on the house and refusing to give me a set of keys (3 requests for these)

Etc, etc?

Thanks

  • dukey
  • dukey's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
More
19 Sep 12 #356677 by dukey
Reply from dukey
People seem to miss the word consise, to me it means get to the point.

This is about sticking points preventing agreements, money only, not child contact issues.

Less is more, bulletin point double spaced, precise issues.

What the judge does not want is a diatribe starting with in 1986 i met my wife and i had a ford escort my wife had nothing so i put the deposit down on the house which was £1000 which i think i should get back.....................

  • Becoming Bitter
  • Becoming Bitter's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
19 Sep 12 #356679 by Becoming Bitter
Reply from Becoming Bitter

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11