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Unreasonable behaviour

  • stephan0068
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30 Sep 12 #358556 by stephan0068
Topic started by stephan0068
Hi, I am very new to all this and absolutely terrified by the whole process. I have decided to go with wikivorce rather than high street solicitors because I don''t want to be ripped off and can''t afford extortionate fees.

I left my wife of twenty years two weeks ago and I want to proceed with a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour.

For about the last fifteen years I have put up with a very controlling and manipulative relationship, I would have left years ago but I am a very insecure person lacking in confidence and we moved two hundred miles away from. My family to be closer too hers, leaving me isolated and without any close friends as they too lived far away. Over the years her manipulative behaviour including withholding sex and intimacy led to depression which meant I had to have counselling and then went on antidepressants.
This has happened three times over the last ten years and happened again about 18 months ago, this time I was also made redundant then went back on antidepressants and was referred for cognitive behavioural therapy. This was a godsend, afterwards I became more confident and independent and started to take control over my own life. She is also very controlling with our children and as my daughter has matured, now 15, and starting to be more independent and take control of her life, my wife was fighting to maintain control.

My wife would never talk and discuss issues in our relationship, especially about the lack of intimacy, the last time we had sex was one occasion in may this year prior to that I think we had sex last year twice, at the most three times, but I can''t remember dates times etc.

As a registered nurse my colleagues and therefore friends have always been women and she would exhibit jealous behaviour if any friendships developed with work colleagues, I have kept moving job over the years, feeling uncomfortable staying in one place too long. I recently developed a friendship with a colleague and she has now accused me of having an affair with her when in reality this person has kept me sane and kept me in my marriage by providing much needed support.

I always had to ask permission to go out to social events with work colleagues, I never felt that I could spend my own money but rather had to ask her permission first.

She was frequently patronising and belittling towards me, occasionally this would happen in front of friends and family, she always spoke very negatively about my family especially my parents and if they wanted to stay with us to see the children this was always an inconvenience to her. We hardly ever used to visit my family, usually only twice or three times a year when I wanted to visit more frequently. I never felt ha my time was my own, instead I was always having to be making improvements to the house or decorate and wold be constantly nagged about completing work.

I''ve just realised how much I have rambled lol. If I''m honest I''m concerned that there is not enough here, and one of the main problems was the way she treated our kids, she was controlling and manipulative with them, I often disagreed with her parenting decisions but she would go ballistic if I ever contradicted her or didn''t back her up stating that we should be united in our parenting decisions even when I often disagreed with her.

Anyway, think I have found it useful just blabbing that all out in one place lol.

  • Kazzabell80
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30 Sep 12 #358560 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Hi Stephen0068 and welcome to Wiki. No-one wants to be here but here we are never the less. You will find this site and the people on it very helpful.

Sorry that you find yourself on this horrible journey :(

Just a quick pointer though, my solicitor said that there was little point in going into too much detail on the UB front (served my husband on Friday with papers) as the nastier it gets, the more likely the Respondant will contest. Just clear and concise bullet points.

As you are self repping, I know that others have put their reasons on here (as it would appear on the petition) for advice.

Is it just the one child that you have? Arranging contact should be established as soon as you can.

Keep posting and take care ((hugs))

  • Action
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30 Sep 12 #358571 by Action
Reply from Action
HI stephan

Sorry to hear of your problems. I agree with Kazza about limiting what''s in the UB list. The points don''t need to be too detailed and not even huge things - just enough to show that you can no longer tolerate living with the person. ''Lack of intimacy'' can be one of the points.

I''ll PM you the list that I sent to my solicitor which, once turned into legal speak, was enough to get my divorce.

I also got my ex to check my reasons first, to avoid having to go to and fro with solicitors.

Good luck.

  • stephan0068
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30 Sep 12 #358585 by stephan0068
Reply from stephan0068
Thanks guys, just reading other people''s posts has been so very helpful.

  • Serendipity100
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30 Sep 12 #358591 by Serendipity100
Reply from Serendipity100
Hi Stephan, and also another welcome to what is a very supportive site.

  • QPRanger
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01 Oct 12 #358709 by QPRanger
Reply from QPRanger
Hi Stephan and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you have written about your wife, especially the controlling and manipulation. The refusing to talk about issues is common I think.
Good luck and stay as cool as you can.

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