I found it very interesting. It explains why STBXH and I are struggling to come to a financial agreement:
I gave up 8 years of my career (which includes evening meetings & weekends) to look after the children. I did all the home-making stuff etc. During that time he went from the same salary as me to over twice that salary.
Now I''m on £12k because I work part time so that I can still look after the children, and will need to do so for another 8-10 years before I can go full time. I only have a tiny pension pot.
STBXH is on £55k and has a large pension pot which is rapidly increasing each year.
So from my point of view:
- I have lost 8 years of working capital and will lose another 8 years of only being able to work part time...all of which affects both my salary and chances to progress.
- I need spousal maintenance to be able to afford to raise the children, because:
1.Due to the divorce I cannot work full time (whereas if we''d stayed married then we could have juggled childcare between us & I could have worked full time, as we had planned once youngest was at school)
2. The
child maintenance nowhere near covers the additional cost of raising the children
- I need a house where we can all live (only asking for a 2 bed for me and 2 sons)
- I have to do all the housework, not just for me but also for the children & ensure they do homework etc because he only wants them for weekends & rarely does homework with them. I also have to organise the children (school trips etc)and take time off if they are ill (which affects my professional reputation)
- I feel like I''m his childcare provider (because he only wants them on days when he''s not working)
Whereas from his point of view:
- he has brought the money in for 8 years. Now he''s expected to subsidise my part time working with spousal maintenance while he has to work full time.
- He''s expected to give me more equity when he has been contributing more money to the marriage than I have
- He wants a 3 bed house because he doesn''t want to reduce his standard of living when he has being paying the mortgage for years
- He now has to do housework & so is now more time poor than previously
- He feels that he should not have to pay ''me'' once the marriage is over because the contract is over & I am no longer contributing.
- He has told the children that he has "no idea if
just spend the child maintenance on spoiling [myself]"...because the money goes into my account.
This also helps me see why we''re likely to end up in court.
I''ve tried explaining my perspective, but due to his infidelity for many years, he had already stopped taking account of my contribution to the marriage in terms of childcare/home-making, well before I discovered his affairs. So I don''t think he''s able to ''hear'' the equality perspective.
Basically, it''s like we''re talking completely different languages.