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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Being conned - what to do?

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04 Mar 21 #515986 by Icantbelievethis
Topic started by Icantbelievethis
Hello All,

I've tried to deal with all my problems until now but it's just got too much of late, I really need some help.

Summary:
Relationship of 20 years broke apart due to Wife's eating disorder. As much as I loved her (and always will) I couldn't deal with the lies any longer or everything revolving around food. She literally sat there, day after day, whilst I provided everything. I eventually snapped, it was my mental health or her. She never worked, ever. Apparently she was, what is classed as, an 'impotent' personality i.e. always got health problems, always needing support and reassurance and a 'daddy' figure. One problem goes and another one appears and it's never 'validated' by the medical profession...so constantly searching for answers that let her think it's anything but 'her'. I was that idiot. I loved her so I did everything for her, she wanted for nothing and she had a life many people dream of. She was so ill that she couldn't see that she looked like a survivor of the holocaust and it was me that spent five years (yes, five) trying to help her eat, save her from hospital, get Doctors and Psychologist on board etc. She just, 'came along for the ride', kept secrets, threw food away and had no 'direction' in her own recovery. Just insanity due to addiction to her problem. So, in the end, we had to split. I could die today knowing I went over and above what anyone would do for somebody they truly loved. But, at some stage, you have to say to yourself 'why is this person not taking responsibility for herself, her health and her life/relationship.' Especially when I, myself, 'am' disabled so it was like the actual 'ill' person looking after the one who 'could' help themselves but 'wouldn't'. Whilst I felt very, very sorry for her and her predicament I just did not 'exist' for her in any other capacity other than to provide for her.

So, it is what it is, I had no choice if I wanted to stay sane. Whilst we split she went to live with her parents and I was stuck with everything. She goes from emails telling me I am literaly an amazing human being who has always been there for her to saying I am evil, keeping secrets, got someone on the side etc. How can you defend something that isn't true but they wont listen to? I built her a huge house, far beyond my means and gave her everything I could in life. Lots of works needed finishing so I am stuck with all of that stress, money issues, my own health problems and then the stress of still having to 'deal' with her. Right from the start I have been more than happy to finish and sell the house and divide everything down the middle. She's taking everything from me, including half my medical payout (which really hurts) but, if that's what's fair, then fine. From day 1 (and I mean before she even left) she started going on about 'maintenance'. It left me dumbfounded. Here I am, all my assets in the house, existing on benefits and a monthly medical payout and she wants some of that too? So I cannot work, she 'can' but simply chooses not to, to abdicate all adult responsibilities and make someone else provide. I got emails telling me she never wants to have to worry about money again. Wouldn't that be nice. All at my expense of course.

So, the final straw, two years on (the house is almost ready to sell so we can get divorced) and, all of a sudden, I am told she has someone acting for her under Power of Attorney because she's 'incapable.' How utterly convenient. I don't know what she's being doing all this time, whilst I've been slaving away, wasting my life and money to 'give her more', but 'clearly', getting her life together, getting a job and 'living' as an adult is not one of them. She's nearly 60 yrs old! So this, as cynically but historically valid as it is, seems like an attempt to claim she needs spousal maintenance because she's 'so ill'. It's contrived and I'm furious, I know it's coming I just don't know when.

So, what can I do? I want a Clean Break. That's what's fair. She's 'capable' but 'unwilling' and I'm 'willing' but 'incapable'...does she have the right, just because she's 'impotent' and can't be bothered to cop out of life and leach off me forever...even though I do not 'earn' anything. It will destroy my life. In which case, I'll stop doing everything right now. I'm sick of being a mug for someone else to take advantage of. You may think I am reaching, believe me I am not. I've seen, first hand, the manipulation people are capable of. I can prove she's a liar, prove everything but I'd really rather not unless I have to. I don't believe in putting people down but if I am attacked when I am just trying, with all I am/have, to do the right thing, what am I supposed to do? Just roll over and have a miserable life because she wants to 'not bother' like we all have to?

PLEASE Help, I just don't know what to do. I'd honestly top myself if it didn't play right into her hands. You see who people really are when it comes to it. I just don't know who she is, or who I loved for 20yrs. I couldn't do this to anyone, let alone her.

:(

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26 Mar 21 #516240 by wikivorce team
Reply from wikivorce team
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Its hard to comment without the context of your financial information.

In particular:
- your and her pension provision.
- your earnings.

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26 Mar 21 #516256 by Icantbelievethis
Reply from Icantbelievethis
Thankyou so much for your reply:)

It's really quite simple. I get benefits plus an income protection 'salary' from my employer. That 'salary' only exists until I am 60 (so I've got 15yrs left if they don't find a way to stop it - which they regularly try to get out of; in which case I'd just be on benefits). Overall, after tax, I have about £2k/month all in. Pension is worth @£90k. That, and the house, is it. She has nothing, other than £20k stashed away that I didn't know about. She'll get state pension but that's it. She has no private pension, nothing. As I said, she's just leached off me for the last 20yrs. She got turned down for benefits from what I understand...which should tell you everything.

As far as I was concerned I was happy to divide the house equity, after debts, (that equity included my lump sum payment for my medical needs in the future but she wants that as it's 'in the house'), give her whatever she wants from the house and half my pension in a 'Clean Break'. That's all I have. But she seems to be after part of my 'salary' too. It's all contrived...she's just a manipulator who wants to live off me, for free, without ever working. I phoned up the Office of the Public Guardian to ask how I can challenge someone applying for an attorney due to 'deception' i.e. just doing it for monetary gains. He was speechless to think that someone would 'fake' being mentally incapable just to gain money in a divorce. He said he'd never heard of it before and didn't even think there 'was' a process for such a thing. So it'll be reduced to lawyers if she carries on with this facade.

After 20 yrs I know her very well and, sadly, the lengths she'll go to once she's fixated on what she thinks is 'fair'. I don't believe for one minute that she is mentally incapable, the opposite in fact. Unwilling, yes, incapable no.

HTH

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26 Mar 21 #516257 by wikivorce team
Reply from wikivorce team
Ok those figures help.

In very simple terms I would expect an outcome along these lines:

Due to the long marriage all of the assets (house and pension) split 50:50.

And so we are left with the question of spousal maintenance.

A court would expect her to work (if she is able) or be able to access certain benefits (if she is not). In other words they expect someone to generate a basic level of their own income.

Spousal maintenance is generally considered if one party has a clear shortfall in their monthly budget (income - outgoings) and the other party has a clear excess of income.

The court should look for a Clean Break solution first and only include spousal maintenance if it is really necessary for the recipient and affordable for the payer.

Its a fair argument from your side that your monthly income after tax of £2k does not leave you with any great excess.

I suspect you will be able to get a Clean Break or if not a limited spousal maintenance of 2 or 3 hundred pounds for a couple of years.

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26 Mar 21 #516263 by Icantbelievethis
Reply from Icantbelievethis
Thankyou for your reply again, very helpful. The reality, of course, is that once you take off the Mortgage, Bills, car payments, loans etc that I only have around £500 expendable income (inc for food). Im not a rich man. I put everything I ever had into one thing, the house. Were she to be allowed to take money from my 'salary' that would mean 'I' could not move on with my life (even though I want to), get a new mortgage etc because she would be taking from me. I do not think it fair, at all, that I should be 'anchored' for the rest of my life just because she chooses to be.

Still, I 'hope' what you say is true.

Many, many thanks

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