Sady, I too would absolutely hate to think that Dukeys friend could ever been seen as the agressor when all he is doing is being proactive and sensible.
I remember reading somewhere that a bit of shouting and violence is to be expected in any relationship and maybe a divorce.
I think it important not to roll too many things up together, the fear that 2 and 2 can make more than 4.
What concerns me is the definition of violence, what I experienced during my marriage was extreme mental abuse and violence, to begin with not actually focused on me as a physical person, from early point when I told my ex I didn''t think I long term relationship would work out he threatened to commit suicide - if I understood then what I do now I would understand that is a horrible mental hook.
Caravans been torn apart in front of my eyes, all sorts of things thrown around and broken I really believed it was as a result of a sad childhood. Actually being abused (which my ex was not he was adopted as his mum died - huge difference) is never an excuse to take your temper out on someone else or make them endlessly try to make your life better - that was my aim as I related to my ex because my own Dad was in a childrens home (not adopted - I think my Dad would really have appreciated that - he was abandoned by both his parents who could have looked after him they just chose not to).
We all make mistakes and for me believing that being without a parent was the most terrible thing - well huge mistake born out of my peaceful and fantastic upbringing and my feelings that children deserved a stable upbringing with loving parents.
So, from a personal point of view I understand violence - physical violence and the way it pulls a victim in is horrible. The worst thing about real mental abuse is that you do not have to touch the person for it to be physically violent, no marks you can see, no scars to produce, no broken bones or anything actually just a feeling in the victim concerned that they have not done enough to help their abuser.
Horror, that is all I can describe it as, flackbacks, most nights sweating in fear (four years on) no relief from the agony of being chased, no possibility of getting away - nothing, no relief, no get out, no escape especially in my specific and very personal circumstance.
I really do believe that emotional abuse, which can be physical without touching you at all is most definitely the worse, at least you can possibly recover even from some of the most hideous attacks and one is a very recent poster to this site.
I hope for her sake (happens to be female) that she finds personal peace.
No one truly understands domestic violence / domestic abuse unless you have personally been a victim of it.....
My life changed after a 24+ year relationship / marriage when i changed jobs and met a truly lovely friend who was like a mother to me... She said from the day she met me that my relationship was not right! i honestly didn''t know what she meant. i knew it wasn''t good but would never have defined it as DV. the team used to laugh at me saying i lived in a bubble.... How right they were. in all the 24+ years i had never had a night away on my own ever!
Since separation, i could tick 80%+ in all lists for DV / Domestic abuse. Friends say "he''s always been like that with you". How i wish someone would have taken me to one side and had words.
As Yummy mummy says, even tho i am now divorced, he still continues, even the solicitor asked me how bad i thought my situation was out of 10... he said 11... he has never known anything like it.. he said it''s all about control now.
Well i will continue to stand strong and face it...don''t really have much choice. But my life and my childrens is far far superior now than it ever was and we will get there eventually....