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A result of marriage breakdown or what?

  • anotherone
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09 Aug 08 #38817 by anotherone
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Hi JJ,

yes another mum who has been there, please do not beat yourself up over this, she will no doubt be very ashamed of herself, if she can remember,but you do need to have a talk with her, not a row, she needs to know you find her behaviour unacceptable especially hitting you.

Set some rules when she goes out as the others have already mentioned, she will thank you in the end as she will know you care about her and her safety.

Take care xxx

  • rasher
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09 Aug 08 #38825 by rasher
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Hi JJ

Well thats a Friday night and a half - just let her read your post and that should freak her out enough!!

I wouldnt say this is a result of marriage breakdown - theres plenty of kids drinking and kicking off at home with both parents insitu.

Although I would say she might not be as self assured and independent as you think. All kids need a bit of emotional support and shes on the brink of all that relationship/feeling stuff. Sounds to me like alot of this is to do with breaking up with the boyfriend (who by the way sounds like a good chap).

When kids screw up it just makes it soooo much easier to set tight non-negotiable boundaries - she won't be able to complain because she will have answered all her own why questions through her behaviour.

Go easy on yourself and thanks for making me appreciate my Friday night which was beautifully dull.

Rasherx

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09 Aug 08 #38827 by Petrof
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Hi JJ,

I agree with those who say that it can bring you closer together if you try to stay calm. I think it is so beautiful for every mother if they can come to you at this difficult teenage age and share with you at least some of their problems.
I had quite a traumatic experience with my 15 year old son 2 nights ago. He finished his hockey training very late and we got home midnightish. But then he wanted to go for a sleepover at his friend's house. I don't drive. so the only way for him to get there was to cycle (3miles).

He set off after midnight, stopping in a chip shop for some chips. As always, I gave him instructions to text or ring me immediately he gets to his friends house. But nothing. As you can imagine I was getting very anxious.

Then a knock on the door and there he was, without his bike, covered in something that looked like blood and shaking, saying to me: Mum I have been robbed.

I managed not to panic and stayed calm. Asked him all the details and then he called the police.His bike, his phone and some cash were gone but I was just relieved that he was OK (the red stuff he was covered in was ketchup - when they kicked him off his bike, the chips with ketchup that he was holding spilled all over him).

But I was very angry with his father that he left us for somebody else, because if he was here, he could have given him a lift to his friend's house and it would not have happened.

On the other hand, as a single parent, I realise now that there are times when I just have to let them go and hope for the best that they will be safe.

At the end I told him that I was really proud of him, he did the right thing and walked away fromt the robbers, did not aggravate the situation and dealt in a very mature way with the police when they came to interview him. I could see that he was also relieved that I did not make the things worse with a big scene and that I did not punish him for something that we both knew was not his fault. I just hope that he will learn from this and next time he will try to be even more cautious.
Both sons still come to me for a cuddle sometimes and that is just all I need. I know they love me and respect me. They never did that and never will do with their father.
P

  • marriaa
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09 Aug 08 #38844 by marriaa
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JJ,
big hugs,
this is the joy of being parents of teenagers.There is no need to be ashame a lot of us has been there and will go there to.I am on the 15th yrs of being mum of teenagers now,thankful the end is near,younger one is going to be 19 in november.I am surprised I have not killed either of them.
I think you daughter needs a lot of help.If she is not up yet,the way I would approach it is
When she gets up ask her how she is feeling and whether she wants a drink or some pain killers.Give her a big hug ,I would even offer to run her a bath.Do not expect her to be grateful for these.I f she plays up just reassure her of your love and walk away.Discuss the situation when you are both in abetter mood ,point your short fall first and then discuss the situation ,why you were worried and next time these thing should be dealt with.I would not advise grounding her.It does not work.Talk about the break up .I think you could have a great companion and a daughter there.Tell her that you need her support,so you need to know how she is feeling .
A day just the 2 of you will be good.
Children are not very easy to deal with ,there is no right or wrong but she is going through a very difficult time too.
good luck

  • JJ50
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09 Aug 08 #38970 by JJ50
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hi,

Thank you all so much for replying, it is great to know there are people on this site who can give good solid sensible advice to a worried mum.

Well she got up in the end at around 3.00 p.m i heard movement coming from the bedroom and took her a drink in as soon as i walked in the room she started crying and telling me how sorry she was that she was an idiot and she did not mean any of it. She was crying so much i just gave her a long cuddle, said i understand, and that we had all been through a very difficult time of it lately and she was not to worry but obviously explained that it was not acceptable behaviour and she is never to do it again.

We both had a good cuddle and a good cry together and everything is fine again now

Petrof you must have been so scared when your son knocked at your door after being robbed especially seeing all that ketchup all over him

Kids a, who'd have em! :lol:

Thank you again all you lovely people for listening to me i am very grateful to you all

Love and hugs to all

JJxxxxxxx

  • Zara2009
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09 Aug 08 #38971 by Zara2009
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Hi JJ
I got to about 4pm and remembered your post. So glad it all worked out ok
I did put in my post, that I hope that it all ended in a big hug.
Brilliant I am so pleased you are friends again with your daughter. She probably was laying there thinking 'how on earth am I going to face mum'
Well done, pat on the back.
Bet you feel much better now
zara

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