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Such a shame

  • driven40
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6 years 11 months ago #412937 by driven40
Such a shame was created by driven40
Tonight I took my child swimming going back to the car we had to walk a little way through the town I noticed as it was dark the couples happily having dinner and drinks together holding hands laughing and I suddenly thought why can''t that be me? Driving home I tried to remember the last time we had been that way and it struck me that we never were like that if we went out we wouldn''t talk wouldn''t laugh wouldn''t hold hands, why had I not realised before that we had nothing in common?

I just thought it was so sad

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  • polar
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6 years 11 months ago #412962 by polar
Replied by polar on topic Re:Such a shame
You didnt notice other couples because you were ...is content the right word ?

Yes I felt sad in the same way when I reasised that I was being used in many ways .

I too noticed couples cooing and ahhhing and holding hands and looking lovingly at each other.

The good news in that next time you will be looking for the signs of love from a partner who WANTS to be with you and didnt marry you for the lust and what you could do for them.

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6 years 11 months ago #412968 by driven40
Replied by driven40 on topic Re:Such a shame
Lust haha it''s wasn''t that I can assure you. I think it was because he pretended to be someone he wasn''t and I had been in a couple of relationships that didn''t go anywhere and he was this perfect person only he wasn''t who he was and I only found out after we were married. I remember our first serious argument 4 months after we were married he packed his bags threatening to leave and I backed down and told him what he wanted to hear BIG mistake!!!!!! Should have realised then but I have been backing down ever since

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6 years 11 months ago #412985 by elizadoolittle
Replied by elizadoolittle on topic Re:Such a shame
yes it is very sad. I too look at couples in love, first flush in youngsters, or comfortable old age, and I don''t know what to think (''lucky you'' or a cynical ''it won''t last'') or even people who aren''t particularly in love with one another but still seem to rub along. I even envy those people who are ''just'' divorcing without the crippling money problems or the additional heartbreak where children are involved, or who have not been married that long, or who still have their jobs or can keep their homes.

It is all pretty bleak, but read some of the posts here from people who are out the other end and happier for it, and remind yourself that there must be light at the end of the tunnel. I try to be thankful for every good thing (my children, my friends, a sunny day, this forum, whatever) and I try to find some things that are better than when I was still in ignorant, well, not bliss, exactly but before all this. And there are some. I am learning a lot and I am not bristling the whole time (on the other hand I am crying the whole time, have not slept or - excuse me - had a normal bowel movement - for a year). But if it doesn''t kill me it will make me stronger. And it will you, too.

Don''t worry about the sadness - wouldn''t you rather be sad about the loss than not? I feel a bit of a fool for trying so hard for so long, but I was being lied to, and I loved. There is some, but should be no shame in that. Chin up x

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6 years 11 months ago #412989 by polar
Replied by polar on topic Re:Such a shame
I meant lust on his part !
I think that many of us married someone who pretended to be someone else to get what they wanted.
Oh and missing the chance to get rid of them. I dont think any of us went into the marriage expecting it to fail and tried to get through the initial bumps.
Really it is our own fault !!! I read a great article the other day comparing finding someone to buying a second hand car.
You see the shiny car and think that its great. But do you trace its history, check reliability, has it been repaired or resprayed , why did the last owner get rid of it.
Dating is much like this. Scrub up well and making great first impressions. Best behaviour etc. Oh you may get to hear rumours about their behaviour but you know that they are not like that with you.
Then comes a bump. You dont want to fail so you make extra effort. They see this as a weakness and get control.
I should imagine that most on here had an opportunity to get out in the very early stages like the one you describe. We dont want to seem a failure so the compromising comes in.
Yep I know it was my fault for not double checking the log book and accident record. Oh the faults came to light later and I had been conned. I have even got a letter written to me after 25 years stating that she had had disasterous relationships and I had been the one to stick it out the longest. Wow...lucky me. Her gratitude ? To have numerous affairs (unknown) and to clean me out for as much as she could.
There are signs that we miss. Rumours that we discard and missed chances to get out throughout marriages. (similar to our second hand car !!!)
There is a very good saying however. Look at what they do and not what they say.
My x is a member of a club who had the motto. ''''service above self '''' . The irony of it. Even became president. Still conning her community that she is the pillar of the community even though we have evidence she was having affairs within the club.She had to justify her leaving me so made up stories about beatings etc. She had me arrested on spurious charges of breaking into her house etc.
Yep it was my fault !! I should have seen the signs in the beginning and I can assure you she would not be in the elevated position she is now if she hadn''t used our combined efforts to succeed.

But going back to your original post topic. Yep the looks of love, trust , admiration etc. between couples. I noticed it as well and knew that it was missing from my marriage. I was the only one working towards OUR future. She was working towards HER future.

6 years down the line I now consider I had a lucky escape !!!As my daughter says. The amount you had to pay her was a small price to pay to get rid of someone who used you.!!!!

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