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How can I get back home

  • Lonely37
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21 Dec 13 #416695 by Lonely37
Topic started by Lonely37
Hi
I have been happily married for 9 years. We have 2 gorgeous girls together. In our marriage, we''ve had our ups and downs but mainly ups or I thought we did.

In 9 years time we''ve had 4 big arguments and ended up pushing each other. I''m not proud of it, but it was only because my wife slapping me or kicking me and I only pushed her to get her away from myself. Some of you might say, what u doing with her if she is doing all that to u, it is called love, yes I love her to bits, she is a great mum, wife n a person but no one is perfect n probably she just gets frustrated when I don''t listen or spend more time with them. But as she always said we were the happiest couple !!!

By the way, there is no infidelity, drugs, gambling issues as such. 2 weeks after our 9th anniversary we''ve had one of those argument, she slapped me n I pushed her. She called the police n I got arrested despite she had no injuries or nothing smashed in the house but I had 3 scratch marks across my neck. Got released after 12 hours due to insufficient evidence but been advices not to go home until she cooled down.

I took some of my possessions n crashed at a friend of mine n waited for her to text me, ring me to say come home. Instead I have been served a non molestarion order for a year and asked for occupation order but wasn''t granted.

After that my whole world collapsed because I was separated from the love of my life n my kids. I have always worked hard with 2 jobs to provide the best for my family, supported my wife while she has studied( she is on her last course , last year to become a teacher).

Now it has been 3 months since we separated. Because of all these, I couldn''t work, eat,drink. Ended up losing my part time job and advised by my friend who is my boss at the same time, to take a break. I''ve been on a sick leave for 7 weeks now and I have been staying with my family in another country as I have no relatives in UK.

Although I''m still not coming to terms with all that''s happening, I wanna go back to uk. I miss my girls and still hoping that we might work it out. My wife hadn''t filed a divorce or legal separation but didn''t even speak to me once.also told to some of our mutual friends that she is happy. She is been out partying few times and this is a person who hated night life.

The problem is, my job only pays about 200 pounds a week and I have been paying my kids money( £40 ) every week. My wife has been paying the mortgage and I have been paying a loan that on joint name which both r equal amounts.

I believe she gets very good benefits so she can afford the bills.i have no where to live if I go back as I can''t afford to pay the loan and another rooms rent and my bills on top. What can I do about this? Any ideas will be greatly appreciated
Regards

  • LittleMrMike
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23 Dec 13 #416850 by LittleMrMike
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Reading through your post, the theoretical answer is that you have a right to return to the family home with the consent of the Court. The authority for this is section 30, (2) (b). Family Law Act 1996.

Of course the operative word is with the consent of the Court. What we have here is, well perhaps mild domestic violence ; but would you say it is a fair assumption that any attempt by you would be resisted ?

At first glance I''d say that your problem may be as much to do with debt management as it is with divorce. The bottom line is that you have to be left with enough at least to meet your basic living expenses. But if do not live in the UK, that''s another complication.

If I were still a CAB adviser I''d have you in for a 90 minute appointment, which would involve a full financial makeover and this in turn would involve a benefits check.

If you don''t live in the UK, there is little I can say beyond this.

LMM

  • Lonely37
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23 Dec 13 #416854 by Lonely37
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Hi
Thank you for your response.
Yes, you have assumed right. I have been in touch with some friends of mine and they would put me up in their houses for as long as I wanted but I don''t want to stay there for nothing and I want to pay my way. In the mean time I would apply for a council flat as well. So I''m coming back to uk this Friday as I can''t stay away from my daughters any longer. My wife knows I''m coming back n knows I have nowhere to stay so she is sending me council links for houses!!!!! Temerity !!!!!
We don''t have any debts apart from the loan n the mortgage. I will have to find another job to be able to meet the payments.
Having a right to live in my house that I''ve been paying for for 6 years,being the main provider, down to non mol order I''m homeless. I don''t agree with mild domestic abuse depending how you look at it. To me, what happened was very little and happens in 99 percent of relationships but no one knows what hoes behind 4 walls.

  • Marshy_
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23 Dec 13 #416866 by Marshy_
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Ok you have a non mol for a year. Thats a long time for a non mol. They are usually a few months. What was the grounds for the non mol?

The non mol prevents you from going to the house I presume? If not, tell us what it prevents you from doing? If its from the house, you cant go back. Even if she rang you and begged you to go back. Its a common tactic BTW to invite someone round that has a non mol against them and have it witnessed and the next thing you know, you are arrested for breaking the order. So stay away.

And I have to be honest here. If a women hits you, you dont hit back or push or anything. Cover up and report the matter to the police. Unless she uses a weapon that is. And from what you say, she just scratched you. Pushing someone is a big no no.

Again, I have to be honest. Using violence is not called love. Violence is violence pure and simple. And you are not supposed to kick, slap or pinch or indeed push. But because you pushed her, its now a fight. But as I said, there must be a bit more to it to get a 1 year non mol. Non mols are usually used as a way of cooling off two parties. But a year is a long time. Stay away. But tell us what was in the non mol. C.

  • Lonely37
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23 Dec 13 #416871 by Lonely37
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Dear Marshy
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My non mol prevents me; going within 100 metres of my house and my wife, use any threatening force , contact my wife by any means excluding contact regarding my kids, instruct anyone to contact my wife. This was given without any notice accordingly with my wife''s statement with no evidence.
I''m not hiding behind any excuses, I know it very well now that''s pushing her was not right. I love her with all my life and u know she loves me too but as I haven''t spoken to her for 3 months I don''t know what''s going through her head. Is it too late for us?

  • Marshy_
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24 Dec 13 #416937 by Marshy_
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Lonely37 wrote:

Is it too late for us?


Ok so you cant go back. If you did, well you know what would happen.

I think its pretty clear by what she is doing that she is setting up a new life without you. I know you love her but you have to accept this.

Try and keep in contact with the kids during this year. Cards, frequent phone calls and so on. Try and establish a contact regime and of course dont let them down.

But one thing bothers me. A year is a very long time for a non mol. Its the longest I have ever heard of.

I was subject to a non mol. Long story. Wont bore you with the details. But it was only 3 months I think. Which I am told that is the standard length of time. But its done now and there is nothing you can do about it. But, if I can give you any advice in this space is dont be tricked into breaking the terms of that order. Otherwise you will be in very deep trouble. But in a way, the order is a blessing as it gives you some space from her and time to get over her and perhaps in a year, financial matters can be concluded. All the best. Happy Xmas. C.

  • Lonely37
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06 Feb 14 #421419 by Lonely37
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Hi
I''m back after a break. As you can read from my story I thought I have had a great marriage and life. All shattered 4,5 months ago and I was still trying to understand why because what happened between us I believe happens in most relationships more or less. Until today I was going crazy in my head , looking for answers but nada. Now, I know the answers!!! She was cheating on me with this guy while we were together when I always thought my wife was one in a billion. Like I said, yes we did have some problems but I didn''t go n sleep with someone. Now I know why she got this non mol order on me with lies so that I can''t go round the house. This guy and another guy she has been seing after our seperation, they have been to my house while my 2 little girls (6 and 3) sleeping upstairs. Is that legal or ethic? I know all these by through one of her friend who thought I was the bad one by what she''s been told but she has come across her diary one day when she was looking after my girls. She said she was shocked to read all that, took pictures and rang me. We did have a good friendship together until she poisoned everybody about me. Now, my question is, is there anyway I could lift this order and go back home to be with my girls as I only see them once a week and maybe get custody of my girls? By the way, despite she is getting legal sis, she still hasn''t filed for a divorce? And me thinking, she is confused and will come round soon :(how pathetic I was. While she is sleeping around I was crying to be back with her everyday. Please help
Thank you all in advance

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