I am struggling with a vague unease difficult to put my finger on. People on here and off say things like ''the children are the priority'' and ''you''ve got to set boundaries'' as though that answered the question of what to do.
My children are my Absolute priority but that doesn''t make it obvious what is best for them. I find I am conflicted all the time with on the one hand and on the other hand ideas. And it doesn''t help that advice from others is not consistent. Many people will say that children are resilient or point out that I have to look after myself before I can look after them. Again, it''s not clear how best to achieve this. Maybe looking after me means spending the day in bed. Or maybe it means forcing myself out of bed and getting some horrible jobs done. Maybe I should pull myself together and make them their favourite meal - after all they are struggling and need reassurance and comforting. Maybe I should take the view that eating nothing but toast won''t hurt them for the time being. Maybe I should try to get a grip on the millions of admin jobs. Or maybe I should take the kids for a walk in the park. Or maybe I should not try to force happy families on them only for us to end up rowing and crying.
I am conscious that whatever I do I will probably never even know. How does anyone?
It''s a question of priorities - just doing what absolutely has to be done. Nothing wrong with a day in bed. Different if it is a week in bed. Nothing wrong on making the kids cook their own dinner.
You only need to do the things that need doing. Make a list and set yourself a target - one a day is probably too much so maybe go for one a week, or one a month. Feel good about ticking them off. The rest can go hang. Take yourself for a walk in the park.
Crawl out of bed in the morning, fall into a big black hole. Haul yourself out of hole and get kicked right back in. Wallow in the blackness for a while, clamber back out again. Do something, then allow tears to come. Keep going even though you can see a bloody great chasm ahead ready to pull you down. Get through the day, try and get some sleep. Do your best for your children but the very best thing you can do for them is survive. The fact you are still going proves you are, as per Shezi''s footnote, a pioneer.
Eliza you are doing fantastic, you just can not see it yourself, Im not having to cope with half of what you are and Im struggling, you achieve so much, get things done when I read your posts I think wow what a lady hats of to her, so stop beating yourself up you are one amazing lady.
Eliza I agree with Hollyxxx you are doing fine. I have got many many decisions wrong in the past 3 years but always in trying to do the best for the kids. I talked to them about decisions I made regarding them and explained why I was doing what I was doing so at least if it went wrong they got where I was trying to go and why I was going there beforehand and tried to get them on side.
Its true you can''t look after them without looking after yourself but yes you do have to get up and get on with it what other choice is there? Dust never killed my two but the bathroom and kitchen are clean. You just do as much as you can when you can. I don''t make lists of things to do they are just too long and terrifying - I just think I will do that by lunchtime, tomorrow this week whatever seems doable and try not to beat myself up when I don''t get it done.
Every day I see posts from you being supportive and usually funny you are tougher than you think you are and appreciated I think by many wikkis.
Three years in and I''m still struggling. I don''t cry because I''m scared if I start I won''t be able to stop! You are honest with your feelings and that''s healthy you will be better.
talk to them: toast and hug or you really want dinner? some days things get done, some days they don''t. some days they matter, some days they don''t.
Have they had to change schools yet by the way or are you managing to keep them in private school so far?
And don''t forget they have bad days and good days as well, so rowing from time to time is OK.