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Pull yourself together man

  • killbill
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27 Oct 14 #447701 by killbill
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The funny thing is, that reading your post...it''s still all about you and your happiness and not chucking shed loads of your money away!

Have you for one moment thought about how your wife actually feels? You mention that you are generally happy so is that really both of you? If you are, what the hell is wrong with generally happy? What are you still searching for? That little ''extra excitement''?....Again?!

More to the point,does she think she made the right decision taking you back?
Has it been worth it for her emotional happiness?

What I''ve found is that people (both men and women) who have affairs in the first place, don''t even for one moment consider the effect it has on their spouse and yet afterwards can say they still care about them.

If only they''d be honest and say that they had the affair because they''re selfish self-centered people who can''t control themselves, then at least the one''s left would be half way to moving on a lot quicker without all that lying and cheating that goes on behind their backs.

So giving it to you straight, act like an adult, not much point coming on here asking whether we think your mad or not, or whether you''ve made the right decision. you should be asking yourself why you are not talking to her about all these concerns you seem to be having
with your relationship right now.

To be brutally honest with you, you did the wrong thing in the first place by having the affair.

Think about how you can be the best possible husband you can be to your wife, especially since you chose to marry and commit to her.

Oh, and something to make you feel a little better. We all hate feeling that way too when our spouse has had an affair, and just want to forget and move on, but it can also take a lot longer than just 2 years for some people.

  • HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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27 Oct 14 #447706 by HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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KillBill

I wholly support what you are saying, but one point struck a chord with me:

What I''ve found is that people (both men and women) who have affairs in the first place, don''t even for one moment consider the effect it has on their spouse and yet afterwards can say they still care about them.

I would just like to add it is not only the spouse who feels the effects, those who have affairs don''t stop to consider what it will do to their children, theirs and their spouses parents and siblings and their friends, both mutual and their own friends. The ripple effect is not taken into consideration.

The one who is left falls apart in front of their family and friends, and there is not a lot that can be done to help them.

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27 Oct 14 #447711 by killbill
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Very true indeed Hkhd,
I just didn''t want to sound too harsh!;)

  • WhiteRose
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27 Oct 14 #447713 by WhiteRose
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Could I gently remind members that Wikivorce is an inclusive support area.

Please don''t bash or judge others that ask for support.

If you can not contribute to a post in a supportive, helpful or constructive way, please refrain from posting.

Thank you

WR

  • Cobalt
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27 Oct 14 #447715 by Cobalt
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Affairs are fantasy you chose real life.

  • Marshy_
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28 Oct 14 #447742 by Marshy_
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Glad that it turned out OK. And I am glad you rucked up and told us. Took some guts to do that.

A few years ago I may have gone nuts at you and given you a V hard time. I am at the other end of an affair. I know what that does to someone on the receiving end. But now... I am over it. So I will be going easy on you.

You said that she doesnt mention it (much). That means that its not gone away. Its there. In the minds of all concerned and the reasons why it happened is still valid.

But you have not said why you went off and had an affair? Do you actually know? Not the public version. But the real version? Many dont actually know why they did it. If this is you, you need to do a root and branch analysis and find the reason(s).

To this end, I think you should seek help. Perhaps on your own initially and eventually include your wife. I can hear you say it... Its dragging up the past and all that pain and hurt. Maybe it is. But if you dont deal with this the chances are, you will offend again and I know you will be denying this. But the truth is, the reasons why you did it are as valid today as they were 2 years ago. Facing our demons is hard. But its worth it as we dont just sweep them under the carpet but chuck them off the nearest bridge.

Surviving an affair is almost impossible. The trust is gone and in the back of her mind it will be there. Only to surface when you are late and during arguments etc. But deal with this properly and be transparent about it goes a long way to recovering that trust.

But keep in mind that she may be acting tactically. She may be biding her time to act at a time of her choosing. Thats always a possibility. Thats often what happens when an affair has been magically forgiven. And this is bound to be on your mind also. If its not. Dont be in denial. Also you are minted. That wont go unnoticed. Its a fact that life is very hard without money. Money oils the wheels very nicely indeed. And I have to ask this... And dont be in denial when you answer, would you have been forgiven if you were potless? Just asking. And thought provoking you.

In all this is your long suffering wife. She had to deal with what you did and to boot, take you back. She deserves a medal for that. Its something I know I could never do.

It turned out I was semi hard on you. Soz about that. Its just the way it came out. But if you genuinely want to make this as good as it gets, you will do something about it. And be transparent about it. Its your choice. I and the other good wikies are here to show you the way. Its yr path to tread.

Marshy.

  • NellNoRegrets
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28 Oct 14 #447756 by NellNoRegrets
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Why did you have an affair? Why are you unable to let go and move on with your wife? I don''t know the answers and maybe you don''t either. I would suggest you and your wife go to counselling to work through the issues. A counsellor can help you and your wife communicate effectively without getting into a row. Of course you may both decide the marriage is over, or not. But I wouldn''t want to be married to a man who is still hankering over his ex-girlfriend.

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