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Being Alone . .

  • singularmeon
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5 years 1 month ago #467094 by singularmeon
Being Alone . . was created by singularmeon
I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I am. But I feel so alone. They talk about empty nest syndrome on the radio and I think, I am the extreme of that. This time last year I thought I was in a stable marriage, I had one daughter married and obviously left home. My other two daughters were at home, one starting her first year teaching and the other in her last year of Uni, but she had decided to live at home that year, as it was commutable. My twin sons had just started Uni, both away so I was missing them at home. I now find myself with the youngest daughter married and left home, my teacher daughter has moved out and is living with her fiancé, my sons are of course back at Uni and my husband has gone - to prison. I have never wanted to live on my own and I don''t like it. I am lucky that I work, 45 hours a week so I am out all day. I see my daughters over the weekends and my parents are local and keep asking me to dinner. But it is going to bed and getting up on my own I especially hate - I mean not having anyone else in the house. My financial circumstances are bad too, I have to sell the house to settle debts but maybe this is a silver lining as I will move back in with my parents (I''ve been married 26 years) after the house is sold (or I am evicted). I don''t mean to sound depressing, I am just having a low time.
I need either an offer on the house or positive news on my divorce to at least let me feel my life is progressing towards a new me, a free me.
Sorry didn''t mean to burden my woes on others. Just writing it down helps perhaps. No need for a response.

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  • elizadoolittle
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5 years 1 month ago #467098 by elizadoolittle
Replied by elizadoolittle on topic Re:Being Alone . .
Hello.

I have been in a similar situation and can sympathise. Here''s something I did which helped: I took in lodgers. Not only did having a bit of money help, and a bit of company, but having strangers (though we became friends) in the house forced us (me and whichever children were here) to pull our socks up. Left to my own devices the house would have been messier, and I would have moped more.

Over the course of the two years or so in which I was facing eviction we had about a dozen people and I have to say I have been very lucky: all have been lovely people who added richness to our lives.

I don''t have any at the moment (we have to move out very soon after a long drawn out process, and still don''t know where we are going) and I miss them, not only for the money. If you had asked me before I would have been horrified at the thought of sharing my home with strangers, but I am so glad I took the plunge: it enriched all of our lives.

I do still have children at home, but I have to say I love going to bed and waking up alone and don''t miss my X one little bit any more.

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5 years 1 month ago #467101 by singularmeon
Replied by singularmeon on topic Re:Being Alone . .
Thank you elizadoolittle for your reply and experience. If there weren''t such big mortgage arrears I would certainly consider lodgers, though I am not sure there would be many in my rural area. I currently have until the end of this month as an arrangement with the Mortgage company, I am not sure yet whether they will extend this any further. But I now have two potentially serious parties interested in my house . . . I only need one to make an offer!
I don''t miss my X at all (isn''t that a bit sad), even my children have said this and I don''t miss sharing my bed, sleeping alone isn''t my problem. It is being so completely alone in the house - I suppose at least I have my elderly dog I suppose.
I am very sorry that you have no-where to go, do you rent or own? Will you get any help with housing? If it weren''t for my parents I would be in the same boat. Moving back with my parents will be difficult, but I am lucky that I have a very good relationship with them - and that they will have me. But it is not what one expects to do at 48 years old. My twin boys who are in their 2nd year of Uni will live there with me too, during holidays. It will certainly be a shock to my parents lifestyle I think.
But as I said at the beginning I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

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  • Mitchum
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5 years 1 month ago #467115 by Mitchum
Replied by Mitchum on topic Re:Being Alone . .
Loneliness is a very real fear when, after years of caring for a family and running a family home, you suddenly find yourself alone after your children have almost all flown the nest and your husband too has left. We desperately want our fledglings to fly, but for you it''s come together and I can appreciate how that feels, but as you say, you have a lot to be grateful for. Give yourself credit for a job well done. You’ve raised an independent family who will make you proud and your children will be so proud of who you are about to become.

The role you’ve had for years of on-demand mothering is suddenly redundant. We receive validation of who we are when we’re good old Mum and suddenly you’re reduced to Mum at the end of the phone. That takes time to get used to.


Part of the solution lies in your comments about having lots to be grateful for - your wonderful parents for a start! They know their home is about to turn into Euston station but they''re happy to do that anyway. Why not start a list of all the positives about your life beginning with their love?

I can assure you that this is not the end of being a parent; it goes on however old they are! It’s just that the two things have come together, having been deserted by your husband and now your children have gone.


We all need things to look forward to. Great if you have funds to do a once in a lifetime trip, but how many of us have that luxury? So we have to be more practical and plan small treats like a trip to wiki friends, a weekend away perhaps or a course where you learn something new. You''re not truly alone now you''ve found wiki anyway. xx

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  • Marshy_
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5 years 1 month ago #467120 by Marshy_
Replied by Marshy_ on topic Re:Being Alone . .
Loneliness can be all consuming. You can get into a state of being lonely and instead of making you want to seek company, it can drive you the other way. It can turn you into a hermit.

You have lots of things going on in your life right now. But the getting up and going to bed is going to stay. Its something your going to have to get used to.

I have been on my own a long time now. Going on for 9 years. Seems amazing writing that down. And it was odd for the first few years. Leaving home, coffee cup in the sink and its still there when I get home. But you get used to it. And I dont mind it now.

What you have to do is force yourself to socialise. Get out there. Be part of the world. Friends is great. But I relish the time on my own now. Its nice to shut the door in winter. Get the jammies on and eat some stew and dumplings or something in front of the telly or whatever. Or go out for a walk on a summers evening by a river or something. In the end, the time alone becomes special. To be cherished. But it needs to be balanced with a good social life. Otherwise it can become all consuming.

So deal with what is in front of you. But try and get out there. Mix with people that are not part of your divorce scene. Marshy.

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