Maybe waking up in the morning and thinking Im still alive !!!
Im a long way down the line now but someone asked me what made me happy. Even the answer surprised me.
Stroking my cats !!!
Once the depression and self pity starts to diminish I found that the freedom of discovering I could do what I wanted without reference to another brought new experiences. A mix of holidays I liked and totally new experiences.
I realised that I had been settling into old age and I had become ''old'' .
A ''make over; by my daughter coupled with mixing with a younger set made me realise how set in my ways I had become. Always fitting in with someone elses work patterns etc.
So basically it was the freedom to do what I wanted without reference to anyone else that made me happy.
Add to that the finding out that I wasn''t the useless, hopeless creature my x had drummed into me to justify what she had been up to meant that I could face the world head on.
The divorce diet meant I dropped a couple of stone effortlessly so I had a new haircut and my nails done, shallow but people telling me I looked good really gave me a boost. I filled my house with the bright colours I love which made me smile just to have about me. Further down the line having been with stbx since I was 15 I decided (after my sister gave me The round heeled woman book) to have a lot of sex with men I liked before I was too old. That didn''t quite come off as I liked the first one so much we now live together but the idea and plan made me smile.
Depression is a terrible illness, I have been living with it for years, and take a wonderful cocktail of meds to help... But on the plus side I agree with Clawed having your hair done and taking some time for your self does really help, and helps you feel a little better about your self...
My Dog also helps a lot... if she could talk she would probably give a wonderful rendition of my life and probably my misery sometimes, but she does it without complaint or answers me back; which is good...
I went from a size 10 when I first hit rock bottom up to a 20 which is where I am stuck at because of the meds but at least I am here and well and although I am not particulary happy with the way I look its a choice between being thin and miserable or bigger and happy...That is not saying all meds do this its just when your on a cocktail like I take...
Just be kind to your self, be good to your self and smile... Take good care of your self..
We all have different lives,different wants and needs,and also different ways in finding pleasure...
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am always laughing,even in my job,which can be quite sad,I laugh at little things.So when that laughter gets an unexpected reaction(and it does sometime)I do wear an honest smile...
I say honest,because for many months I wore a false smile(
One of my greatest sources of laughter is my little man,he came into our lives when he was needed,he taught his Nan Nan to live and laugh again,to the point yes I still have low days,but spending time with him and my daughters makes me appreciate how lucky I am.
I live in a village and basically everyone knows everyone, and we have lost 3 people from our village in the last 2 weeks,which just reiterates,our time on this planet is short,so spend it wisely,laugh when you can,love where you can,and try to enjoy every breath,because we never know when it''s the last one....
Going through hardship and very very low moments made me appreciate again the simple things in life:
.the pleasure of going for a nice long walk,
.nature in all its little details (clouds, trees, flowers...)
.the smile of a child
and a nice cup of tea!
I remind myself that many people have it a lot lot worst and I should be grateful for what I have.
Exercising and making an effort to look good also help with low self-estime.. it works for me and I recommend it.
I also recommend meditation apps on your phone. I listen to ''Stop, Breathe and Think''. Its free and work wonders.
Keep smiling... life is tough but beautiful! You only live once so might as well make it a good one!