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Trying to understand the ex

  • chatsworth08
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2 years 9 months ago #498076 by chatsworth08
Trying to understand the ex was created by chatsworth08
Hi guys. Its me....chatsworth. i was on here for a few years sometime ago and the advice i had was amazing. Thanks. However im trying to understand the ex a bit more. My boy is 10 now and she uses anything she has to say through him. Mostly holidays.. anything to do with school and alot of things she gets the hump about. Then she texts me ranting and slagging me off. Im used to it now. But i still cant figure out why she does it. I know she hates me coz im still here involved with my son. My boy and i have a great relationship but now he comes over alot less. Saying things like hes gotta go home to help his mum write out a shopping list. Strange i know and if he's not playing xbox or on my phone he gets bored and wants to go home. I understand that. Also she gives him times to be home if shes going out or nannys coming home or she's putting the hot tube on at a certain time. So he says he's gotta be home because off......... what his mum said. I asked her not to di thungs like that as i only see him for 7 hours on a saturday... but the last 2 months since he's changed schools... i hardly see him. Sometimes hes only over here 2 hours then goes home im gutted but dint agree with what shes doing. She knows i love him. She still the same as she ever was but my boys growing up and i feel gutted when he goes home early.
If i txt her asking her.... she says its my fault and i should think about him... i do. He feels he gas to go home. Bless him. But when i tell her by txt(not swearing or horrible) she shows him.
Then when i see him.....he has a go at me...when i explain to him im always the bad guy.
When i pick him up i wait on the doorstep while her and her mum walk past the door and and wont open it. Then my boy opens it. She is definately not the woman i married. I want to ask her things about my boy...school...general and whats new..
She now doesnt even acknowledge im there. She wont speak to me. Look at me....only txts me to put the boot in on something ive said or cant do.
She is so nasty and in the end its too much hard work for her to communicate with me. Im not asking about her.. im asking about my boy.
Is it im still here and she doesnt like it. ??

Advice on understanding why would be greatfull.
Thabks
Chars

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2 years 8 months ago #498365 by chatsworth08
Replied by chatsworth08 on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
Wow no advice for me.
This was a good place once.
Very dissapointed people

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2 years 8 months ago #498368 by WYSPECIAL
Replied by WYSPECIAL on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
You don't seem to have asked a question.

Looks like your ex is controlling and this is her way to exert control.

Only thing you can do is not let it get to you. You can't make her communicate.

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2 years 8 months ago #498376 by Donut99
Replied by Donut99 on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
Hi Chars

I saw your post recently and did start to reply but didn't quite know where to start and stop as I could imagine my ex saying all the things that you were saying and in the same tone. I could also see how at times my behaviour could be construed as similar to hers. Its not my intention nor how I see it but I know its how he sees it.

However, what I would say is that much of it has been the result of misunderstandings and the sheer exhaustion of trying to communicate or correct simple misunderstandings, that I have given up trying and just simply avoid my ex if at all possible. Most times, the misunderstandings lead to heated confrontations etc. So, this includes not answering doors, talking to him, talking through the children, only texting/emailing etc. Its not because I hate him (I don't), just that it gets extremely tiring explaining plus I no longer think that I need to explain to him. I have moved on and have no interest in seeing him or making small talk. I only communicate when I have to (and this may skew the type of comms that we have)

That may be the case with her.

I have no interest in making life difficult for the ex. Sometimes he thinks that I have done something deliberately, but really, really, really, life has moved on and there are other things that take up my time and interest. Actions are not vindictive or done maliciously.

I think that the language that you use isn't helpful to your situation eg ranting, slagging, hate, hump, fault, put the boot in, nasty etc. I make a conscious effort to avoid negativity and focus on positivity nowadays. Changing stance may make her more receptive to communicating with you?

Not knowing what your situation is, I would also say that women do not forget easily. You may have to just be patient and give her more time to process your split.

Good luck

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2 years 8 months ago #498378 by chatsworth08
Replied by chatsworth08 on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
Hi. Thanks for advice from both of you.
I have read and understood both. Thanks.

It is a shame she talks thru my boy. I just have to exept it.

But she is very controlling and manipulative... thats not nice because ive seen the change in my boy he's 10 and very very into his mum. Thats good. But i feel a little lost as he would rather be at home. I guess dads isnt fun anymore. I say lets do this/that......go here go there... but he's got an excuse for everything... he really has
So rather than staying here for 7 hours on a saturday.....he spends 2 hours here then goes home. Not iut with his mates.
He says he does love me and likes coming over to see me and the cats for a little bit.

I understand he's growing up i just didnt expect it yet. Not till 12 or 13.
Just gotta get used to it.
Just me beinf silly i guess feels like im loosing him.

I know im not..... but i will be here for him. Always will be.

Thanks peeps.
Cgats

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2 years 8 months ago #498386 by WYSPECIAL
Replied by WYSPECIAL on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
Remember it's not forever.

Your lad is 10 now so the need to communicate with your ex will become less and less.

As far as things like school reports etc are concerned tell the school you want your own copies sent to you. Make sure when he moves to big school they have all your details.

I was in a similar situation to you once but those children are now adults and have left home. I haven't had the need to speak to my ex for a long time and in fact have not even seen them for years.

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2 years 8 months ago #498390 by chatsworth08
Replied by chatsworth08 on topic Re:Trying to understand the ex
Thank you wyspecial.

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