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  • Agoogy
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25 Jan 08 #11889 by Agoogy
Topic started by Agoogy
Hi,

We have been trying to get our marriage back on to the straight and narrow for just under five years now.
My wife of nearly 12 years (we're both 35) has been diabetic for 25 years - since she was 9
We met in 1990 (18) and got married in 1996
Diabetic complications prevent her from working..she gets better though..
2001 She becomes a dental nurse
2002 March. She(we) had a daughter - she stops work
2002 April. She has a stroke - right side dexterity 80% lost
2005 Feb. Kidney failure
2005 April. She has an online affair and spends one night with him. I find out, she says it'll end... she stays in touch. (it was I accept escapism from the very real thoughts of dying...she could pretend to be healthy and single online)
2006 August. Dual Kidney/Pancreas transplant with the promise of a new woman.... who didn't materialise...
2007 November. Find out she's been lying about her benefits
2007 December. Heart attack

Since becoming a mother she has always been on benefits. As a direct result of her significant illness (I believe) it has all contributed to an 'angry' woman who can't help but lash out at her nearest and dearest....me.
I've been there throughout, yet recently, probably accurately she suggests thats all I was...there... not really loving her...
So we enter (angrily) divorce discussions.

She suggests that as a result of her 'dependency' on me, that a divorce will see paying for her next mortgage, or buying her a flat on top of childcare etc.. is that right?
Despite our lives destined to be apart, I will have to support my new home and hers?

any advice/opinion welcome.

Thanks

We're still trying...we're going out for a meal tonight, but the emotion and negativity of the situation has a sense of inevitability about it I fear....

  • gone1
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25 Jan 08 #11895 by gone1
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She must be a brave women to do this. Her health issues seem to be worsening. Personally I would not leave someone in her predicament as I would feel so indescribably guilty. You both been together for a long time. I would wait and see what she wants. I would plain old ask her what she wants. If she drives you away then you are in theory free to leave her. No you wont have to but her a flat to live in. Chris.

  • Agoogy
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25 Jan 08 #11899 by Agoogy
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She is a brave and strong and beautiful woman, the main reasons I 'chose' her. I've hung in there for years, I don't want to give up on her trust me....but...
She is driving me away with anger, abuse (verbal and physical), attitude, threats, and by not showing any remorse for previous actions..no apologies...plus no respect or recognition for what I've done for her or been through, I mean I don't want a medal or cash.... I just want to be appreciated, loved and wanted. Not stuck with because I pay the bills and systematically shouted at for no good reason...

and now of course she's been told I'll have to pay for her AFTER the divorce so she has no fear in threatening me further....

  • yferch
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25 Jan 08 #11929 by yferch
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Have you and your wife tried counciling.

She is very frustrated with her life and situation and as you say is taking it all out on you, her sounding board, testing your responses and reactions to the limit. She probably feels very insecure and that you have only stayed with her out of pity, poor woman can't believe that she deserves or has had your love and support all this time. Her behaviour is no excuse but can be understood. You are probably losing patience at being constantly 'kicked' at despite your best efforts.

I hope you can work it out but if not at least you know you have done all you can.

  • Agoogy
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25 Jan 08 #11933 by Agoogy
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As a diabetic she(we) had counseling support, from about 1999-2005
When problems first rose their head we tried a sex therapist.... then Relate, then she when she finally realised it was neither of our fault..but rather the product of what had happened...she saw a psychiatrist... he suggested she get a job of some sort, she didn't want to hear that and left..

Our meal tonight was useful, we made progress and talked at length... I'm 60/40 in a good way about the outlook.... whereas before the meal I was 30/70 (!) but still could do with legal advice I think...

  • Realist
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27 Jan 08 #12043 by Realist
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To a certain extent, given all her problems, she deserves a little more support and leeway than if you caught her cheating under other circumstances, but her health issues seem to be a weapon for her to use against you, find out what you need to find out about divorce so you're ready to roll, then sit and make your decision; do you want to stay with her, or do you want move on?

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12 Feb 08 #13627 by Agoogy
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Thats exactly what I've done....and thankfully the last 2-3 weeks have seen a change in her attitude and we 'seem' to be moving away from threats and anger and divorce and towards something more 'normal'

Legal advice was scary however... child comes first naturally, she'd get custody.. so I pay 15-20% child support plus providing a 2 bed property... and then whatever is left I'll use to find somewhere to live.. horrible..

anyway finger's crossed it won't come to that.

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