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  • josie
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25 Jan 08 #11925 by josie
Topic started by josie
Hi i have just separated from my husband,i more or less pushed him to leave,he use to ignore me for weeks at a time over trivial things.He was a very jealous person and very insecure,i still love him.A family member has just died whom i was very close to,my ex wants to come to the funeral(he was not close to this person)i do,nt know what to do?i have kept out of my ex,s way and do not have contact,he has been txting me asking how my uncle was before he died,Prior to all that ,he came to my houes to use my computer(he has a laptop)was he teting the water??

  • yferch
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25 Jan 08 #11926 by yferch
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Yes he's testing the water, and more than likely trying to keep the door open just in case.

Even if you do love him, its not acceptable behaviour for him to ignore you for weeks - you know you deserve better.
Sometimes we come to realise that the other person is pulling you down with them, brave you for walking away.

I still loved my ex, but then realised it was the person he was when we first got together I still loved. But I know this person is no more, things have changed and I have changed.

If you really dont want him, be careful that he does not catch you at a vulnerable moment, especially if you are upset at your uncle's funeral. If he goes to the funeral keep out of his way and rely on your family for support not your ex.

  • josie
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25 Jan 08 #11931 by josie
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Thanks for that Yferch,i am quite good at putting a face on,i could easily ignore him,i would just keep it in mind how he has hurt me.He is away at the moment he does two weeks at sea and two home,so that gives me enough space.i am his third wife,he is my first husband,alarm bells should have rang!if you met him he is the most quiet,polite man you could meet,when things go well he is good to me,if i do something or say anything(not intentional) he sulks,i cannot live like that,you must be Welsh,so am i.

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26 Jan 08 #11940 by dumped2
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that'll be why the 1st 2 got rid of him, be careful at the funeral.

  • Josh2008
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26 Jan 08 #11964 by Josh2008
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I am sorry but I have to challenge something you said:-

"he used to ignore me for weeks at a time"

Not meaning to be disrespectful to you, but how was it possible to ignore someone, who lived under the same roof unless you were doing the same

You say you love him and most likely the same is true from him, he possibly has a side that someone close needs to uncover, someone as close as you

Try and find out what his problem really is, even if it means harsh and loud words, let him know you care, that doesn’t mean you have to live with him

The fact that he is on his 3rd round tells me that he has some inner problem and finds it difficult to tell anyone

I knew a guy once who didn't seem to care for any of his family, wife and 5 children, after they separated he told his wife of 25 years what had happened to him as a child

He was locked up in a cupboard by his parents for days and weeks on end, they shut him out of their lives when it suited, he couldn't bring himself to tell anyone until it was too late

He never harmed or hurt anyone physically, but he is now shunned by all except one of his children, he is a very likeable and pleasant bloke but has this inner secret he so desperately is ashamed of and that has cost him dearly.

Do not blame the 'person' in all probability it is us as a product of our youth and sometimes with encouragement and consideration if we can get these people to talk, you will find the true person, the one you first met, after all you liked that person at some point.

If you really and truly love someone you will fight to keep that person

Someone said he is treading the water, let him, you are not enemies, let him into your life just a little bit and see if you can find out what troubles him.

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26 Jan 08 #11989 by josie
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Thanks Josh for your honest reply.Firstly my husband is insecure,his second wife cheated on him,he is very vigilant when it comes to me(i would never cheat on him)he gets jealous very easily.In the past i have tried my best to reassure him that i am faithful and would have no intrest in anybody but him.As for the ignoring,we may have a disagreement,he will take to heart and off he goes to sulk,i give him time to get over what he is feeling and try to resolve the dispute.He will keep walking away from me,when i try to reason with him(he hates confrontation)BUT if i take the blame everything will be ok.You said how do we ignore each other in the same house.We have thee rooms downstairs,he locks himself away in the t.v room.then around 10pm goes for a couple of beers,he works all day,refusing food i cook for him,and has takeaways.I do,nt know alot about his childhood.he was an only child.

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26 Jan 08 #11990 by yferch
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Some people you can't help, especially if they dont want help or cant admit there is a problem. To fix something you must first realise it is broke.

My first husband had a very traumatic childhood, and I stood by him for thirteen years excusing his behaviour,we tried therapy etc, some people are sadly just no good for you and you have to give up to save your sanity. Also in my case I couldn't bear the thought of my son turning into his father and so I removed him from his influence.

I had to take my son for councelling to get him back on track, which did him the world of good, he has decided he wants to be a physciatrist when he is older.

First husband got himself a Thai bride and she walked out after six months to go back to Thailand, says something.

Some you can fix or help, some you cant.

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