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Im new, and my head hurts !!

  • sandz
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29 Jan 08 #12306 by sandz
Topic started by sandz
:(Hi,im new and

I really dont know what im doin.
My husband and i have been together for 10years, he is foreign and we lived there for 3 years and then decided to come back to the uk.

We split up for 7 months in 2005 but decide to give it another go as we loved eachother and felt it was right, we didnt want to throw eveything away cos we had been thru alot just to be together.

We now have a 15month old son and i thought all was well.But recently things havegot bad again, he isnt violent but he says really nasty things that you just cant take back, i feel like i am walking on egg shells all the time incase me or my son does something to upset him and he blows up for what seems a trivial thing.
I sometimes feel guilty cos he says we are the only thing he has in this country and he wouldnt be here if it wasnt for me etc etc......

When things are good, they are really good and from the outside we look like a blissfully happy family........but when things are bad they are really bad and i feel like we are better off apart. I dont know if its emotional abuse?? But i do know that i feel like im on my own most of the time.

Please tell me it gets easier......i know it will get harder first.........and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  • peteringout
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29 Jan 08 #12307 by peteringout
Reply from peteringout
Hi Sandz,

Head will hurt for a while I am sorry to say. I am relatively new here too (about a month) so maybe the veterans on the site might let you know otherwise. But in the short term not good.


  • sandz
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30 Jan 08 #12389 by sandz
Reply from sandz
Thanks peter

it is good to know that people out there are going thru similar things even tho all circumstances are different.

Maybe some of the veterans will help us like you said.........reading some blogs i have seen how people cope and get on with their lives.

Wouldnt it be nice to have a magic wand and all the bad things magicked(is that a word??) away.

I have to be strong for my son.

Time will tell

Keepyour chin up, hope you get better quickly.


  • gone1
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31 Jan 08 #12422 by gone1
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Hiya sandz. Its been a long time for me. Over 2 years from the start. Its been a long road and a very bumpy ride at times.

It helps to decide what you want. U know U cant live like this. Its not right that you walk on egg shells. I did that for 12 years and I wont do that again. My ex was like a fused bomb ready to go off at any moment. Normal people are not like that. But whats normal? I have no idea.

But I do know that saying nasty things is abuse. It chips away at your self asteam and destroys your self worth over time. The trick is spotting this hot and cold technique. It is control but its hard to spot. I didnt spot it at all.

By the time my ex was finished with me I was a mess. I didnt know black from white and it wasnt until I got away (over a year ago) that I started to recover my own self belief. I am getting there. But its a struggle. I have to unravel all the things she did to me over 12 years and in the final 11 months (between Jan 2006 until November same year) she ramped up the abuse. So its a mission.

Just want to touch briefly on the hot and cold technique before enough. Its a form of control and it imprisons you in a relationship. You yearn for the good times and that make you put up with the bad times. This has the affect of keeping you in your place. Sort of like a drug. Its the high of when they are nice you long for. Its a bad thing to do to someone but its common. I was treated this way. I consider myself a sane and sensible person. I never saw it at all. But to my shame I let her do this to me. For this I paid. But I was glad to in the end. My life is in my own hands now and the only person that controls me now is me.

One other thing. If you dont control your life someone will control it for you. Right, enough for now. Chris.

  • sandz
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31 Jan 08 #12481 by sandz
Reply from sandz
Thanks Chris

Its strange cos i read your blog last night(what a blog it is!) and my heart went out to you, i was thinking........why did he put up with her, how did he??

It never even ocurred to me that i was going thru the same until you just said.

You are right, i do long for the good times as they are really good, but there is always bad times coming along right behind like a speeding lorry on a motorway .....

Its only really come to this end in the last week, 10 days, when i said i think its better for us to be apart.

My husband has found somewhere to stay but has been round everyday to see our son, he also looks after him when i work so brings him to the family home.

I am still really confused, but do know that if we end up together it has to be for the right reasons, not cos its easier financially, or for the sake of our son, or even cos we love eachother(we do)....its just not enough to make a relationship work is it?

Thanks again you really gave me some things to think about.

Hope you are well, keep in touch please, you make sense to me!!


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31 Jan 08 #12484 by IKNOWNOW
Reply from IKNOWNOW
Hi, Sarah

I, like Chris saw myself as a strong person but I still bought into the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my X2B. There was no physical abuse but it is only now that I am realising the full extent of the emotional abuse. I was married for nearly 11 years and have 5 lovely children but they seduce you, you start to believe the lies they tell you and accept being treated like dirt.

I tried to walk 5 years ago, but he convinced me to stay. It took a catalyst of events to finally open my eyes to the abuse he was putting me and the children through daily.

It has been 6 months now, and to be honest the abuse I have suffered over that time has been bad even though he has not lived with us.

Any way, enough about my story. You seem to have realised that your relationship is one that is based on abuse and that is the first step. Where you go from here is a big decision and only one that you can make. If you are not ready it will not happen; so many people who suffer abuse would agree.

There are places you can get advice about aspects of abuse and practical and emotional support.

I am the Group Leader of "Dealing with Domestic Abuse" under COMMUNITY / SUPPORT GROUPS and would love you to join the group. It is in the early stages but if the information is not there I can give it to you, that is no problem.

There are many people on here who can offer you support and others who maybe will just offer light relief.

You are not alone and will eventually get through this, well so people keep telling me. No honestly, some days I feel like hiding in a corner but the children give me a reason to get up in the morning. I am looking forward, even if that is a way in the distance.

Take Care,

Regards Sarah

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