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just thinking

  • Hen1212
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01 Feb 08 #12524 by Hen1212
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Hi , we have been wed for 27 years and the loving has been going down for years. No physical contact for 3 1/2 years. Kids are about 22 and 18. Trouble is my spouse is a low wage earner ( always has been) I pay all the bills , mortgage paid up and I wouldn't want to lose the house ( it's in my name) although being the kind of person I am i would not wish to see her or kids ( one lives mainly away at Uni and has flat with boyfriend) with no roof. Wife’s mum lives next door which offers some hope I suppose. I would move out for a year or two until wife got sorted but she could not pay the household bills. Also quite recently , I have met someone and fell in love on first meeting. I think she knows that but also she knows I am unhappy and may think I am just looking for a shoulder to cry on. I am sure that it is not the case. Trouble is though I don't want to end up on my own. I cannot ask the other person how she feels about me deep down because she would feel guilty if I left my wife because of her. I am a sensitive and mainly shy person and if I have the courage to raise this with my wife how the heck do I go about it. Usual symptoms seem to apply ,tearful at times and lack of appetite, churning stomach. I can't believe I can feel like this at 55 and so much in love. I suspect that I will sacrifice my own chance at happiness for the sake of others.

  • mike62
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01 Feb 08 #12535 by mike62
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Mal.
I have read your posting and started to write a reply several times. Why several? Because its a really difficult situation you find yourself in. What to do? Pursue love's dream, or continue unhappily on as you are?

I guess that there is only you that can answer that question.

There are the emotional, financial and physical issues that need to be considered.

There is also the question of why your relationship with your wife is unhappy.

Then the ultimate question - What if the new love doesn't work out? Right now, that seems laughable, but in 3, 6, 12 months when the electricity of a new relationship has tempered a little, will she or you feel the same about each other?

Leaving your wife will cost you both financially. You have had a long marriage and she is a low earner - She is going to get the lions share of the marital assets. Is she going to be able to buy you out of the family home?

Your children - Almost adult, be under no illusions about the impact that your leaving would have. It will be a big shock for them, and they might take it badly.

I think that you would benefit from speaking with some kind of relationship counselor, perhaps Relate, to explore how you would manage a dignified exit from your marriage. Perhaps then you could suggest going with your wife. I'm guessing that she won't have seen this coming and will take it badly.

Whatever you do, think it through properly and do it for the right reasons. Have a plan before you do anything at all, and think through what to do if certain things happen. Never burn any bridges - Keeping things as amicable as possible is by far the best way forward.

Good luck

Mike

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01 Feb 08 #12554 by Hen1212
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Thanks for the reply Mike. I appreciate your time. I have seen friend of mine this lunchtime,he was up on business , I had to speak to someone and he had also separated from his wife last year , but only 7 years of marriage and the two children were not his. I am not going to rush this and my wife does not know although she must see that I am not happy, hardly ever have conversation but she is comfortable. She would not be able to buy me out and I also have a half share in another house with my sister which we intend to rent out. I realise I am going to have to be careful. I don't want to lose out big time but on the other hand I want to be fair as can be. My wife only works 3 days and has done since the kids were born, so she would have to get another job for Mon Tues Wed. to boost her income. As I said initially I will probably stay unhappy but my friend emphasised that I must consider my happiness an important part of this. The other person is not chasing me I think now that she knows my situation,so I'm not sure how much to chase her. I am not after anything other than someone to say I love to and receive the same back and mean it then all else should follow. I know I'm old fashioned perhaps but that's the way it is.

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01 Feb 08 #12555 by mike62
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Mal,
There is nothing wrong in pursuing happiness and if your marriage is truly over, maybe this other person is the catalyst for you to start thinking about yourself.

But think it through, and seek some help in making those difficult life choices.

Don't just do nothing - you will tear yourself apart with regrets later - what might have been, or what might have not.

But be honest with yourself and your wife.

Take care

Mike

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02 Feb 08 #12637 by Hen1212
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Thanks again. Another complication concerns my mum who is 79. Her partner of 27 years has had is small bowel removed and also has Parkinsons - so sad for him and her. He has been in hospital for 3 months and the strain on mum is immense. Luckily for her and me, I suppose, I am semi retired and can visit and see that she gets about to the hospital etc.most days. Although, she realises I need a break too and she does like some independence from me. I will be seeking work to boost my income and relieve boredom at some point. It would not be a good time ( don't suppose it ever is) to cause more strain relating to my own predicament until mums situation gets better but that could be difficult because when he passes on ( timescale not known) that will again bring pressures. I lost my father to bowel/liver cancer Dec 06. so you can see I am having a good old time of it. I suppose most of coping with whatever life throws at us boils down to ones mental strength to a large degree. Mine is not particularly strong but it is good to put this stuff on here and share feelings etc. At least things are getting out in the open in a confidential way and give us food for thought perhaps and how to move forward. Your comments Mike are sound. Take care yourself.

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02 Feb 08 #12639 by choices
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Hi Mal - well i too am that person. i have been in a loveless, lonely marriage for years, but i cannot leave cos my children are still at school. i spend many days crying about the situation. when i tried to discuss it with my husband, all he says is wait 7 years until the mortgage has paid off. There are no arguments, not tantrums. no conversation.nothing. i have tried over the years but he just wants a nice home with the 2.4 family. we never go out, holidays or nothing. its just empty. i would love to leave but i cant uproot the kids, and im,not sure they would come with me anyway, they have a very close relationship with their dad. they are teenages, all their friends are here, and just 2 mins away from school.
Im 44 and have been feeling like this for the last ten years. i just feel life has passed my by....

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02 Feb 08 #12643 by Hen1212
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I sympathise with you and the many othes there must be in similars situations. I'm beginning to realise it not easy and in the past I used to console myself by thinking there is always someone worse off than me but that's not really good enough. We should try and do more to help each another and already I can see how this type of forum is a good start. At least we can communicate with someone with a common problem - lack of love , falling out of love etc. At least I haven't got a mortgage ,but I am thinking that the worse case scenario for me was to lose half ( I guess thats where the law would stand) when I have paid for it all and potentially have to buy a terraced house for me. As for you, the children do seem to pose more of a difficult situation than mine ( 18 and 22). I am not clear why your husband wants to pay the mortgage first though,presumably you both contribute and presumably like my wife you would not be financially independent if the separation occurred. It is certainly not nice being unhappy and I guess only time will tell how we overcome our situations. I am dreading even talking about it , at least you have,trouble is actions speak louder and it seems thats what you need after all this time. Good luck and take care. I'll give you thought when I'm going to sleep which is not easy.

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