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I am so shocked

  • Unhappyme
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12 Feb 08 #13714 by Unhappyme
Topic started by Unhappyme
I dont even know where to start. I am devestated, hurt and angry.

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years, married for 2 and a half, and on Wednesday morning last week I found emails on his computer from a girl. It was a very full on email and they had met. So I confronted him and he didnt deny it, although he did say nothing happened. He didnt know why he did it....blah blah blah. After a lot of tears I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as I am sure he is depressed and it was a cry for help. I know we have troubles, but I didnt think/realise it was that bad. He works long hours/travels and is under a lot of pressure (or so I thought)

On Sunday he says its over between us, his head is all over the place and he doesnt know what he wants anymore. I felt crushed and managed to convince him to try again. Clean slate and all.

I know its only Tuesday but its been awful. He has kept me at arms length and I feel heart broken. I come home today from work to find him gone and a letter was left for me. He says he needs to clear his head, us being together isnt helping and he needs to sort out his feelings.

Stupidly, I started looking around his computer. What I found was shocking. It seems he has been on the web searching for women to meet and have sex with. I knew he like porn, which makes me feel bad anyway, but this is too much. I feel sick.I dont know if he has met any of these girls. But I trusted him 100%. Now I have so many doubts.

I really want this marriage to work, and if its a downward spiral he has got himself into, I will help him. But deep down Iknow he feels that he has no fight left in him.

I am scared, confused and I dont know what to do. Part of me wants to see what happens, the other half of me wants to tell him to leave. I cant live in limbo like this.

Sorry for the long first post, and hello btw

  • savoury
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12 Feb 08 #13715 by savoury
Reply from savoury
I really feel for you. The same thing has happened to me. My husband just decided to go..snap like that only we didnt have any rows or build up to it at all. I love him deeply but he says this life is not what he wants ie with me. I just have to accept it. I tried all the usual stuff to get him to see sense in first few days but seems I am on a hiding to nothing. I am devatsated. Maybe we can help each other by email support...email me any time.

I feel I am in a state of mourning and shock and its 2 weeks tomorrow he went.

  • mike62
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13 Feb 08 #13720 by mike62
Reply from mike62
You must be absolutely devastated. So much trust and love has been unceremoniously thrown back in your face. I can only admire your stance.

I really want this marriage to work, and if its a downward spiral he has got himself into, I will help him. But deep down Iknow he feels that he has no fight left in him.

What a wife! I only hope that he deserves you.

If there is a will on both sides, many things can be forgiven. But there has to be a determination of both parties to resolve the issues that have brought you to this point.

I can accept that he needs to have some space right now. He has committed the cardinal sin, and I hope he is feeling guilty as hell. If you have it in you, I would say give him some space. But he has done a terrible thing, and you should not feel that you have wronged him.

I suggest that you try to seek the help of a counseling service like Relate to enable you either as individuals, or as a couple to find a way forward.

If it is recoverable, or repairable then you could come out of this as a stronger and more determined partnership. But it takes both of you to do that.

Again, I can only admire your willingness to forgive and put it behind you. I just hope for your sake that your trust and kindness is not misplaced.

Be strong, and do what is right. Take care


  • Mrs Ingledew
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13 Feb 08 #13730 by Mrs Ingledew
Reply from Mrs Ingledew
Can I say stop looking - you will get hurt , you will imagine there is still more to find even if you don't find it and you will spiral downwards. You are bigger and better than that.

Remember - You have done NOTHING WRONG.

I am a little further down the road than you - it is 9 months since my husband left for my friend. And I also found porn sites etc

In the beginning I would have had him back and I offerred him everything to save my marriage. (18 years married, 24 together , 2 children) With hindsight I only hurt and degraded myself.

There are times even now I consider what I would do if he came back.

BUT you cannot save your marriage on your own, unfortunately it takes 2 to amke a marriage but only 1 to break it.

You have to wait to see what he wants. And waiting is never easy.

Can I make 2 suggestions - go and buy yourself a REALLY expensive face cream and I mean REALLY expensive - every morning and night apply it and know that someone you must love and someone you must value is kissing you good morning and goodnight - namely YOU.

Also get a new address book pink and girly, or black and sexy and transfer all your friends and relatives names to this book - carry it with you and DO NOT BE AFRAID to ask for help from them.

My divorce has been a very humbling experience and I will ask for help from anyone now be it the VAT man or my hairdresser!!

Give yourself time you will need to grieve and you will be angry and hurt and you will never answer all your questions least of all why. Be prepared for it all to be your fault.

Should you be lucky and he want to return - start slowly - see a counsellor - do not push it under the carpet and forgive it all immediately.

You matter, you are important and you are special.

Take care and a big hug. x

  • phoenix1
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13 Feb 08 #13746 by phoenix1
Reply from phoenix1
Not a lot to add as Taylr14 is 100% correct in what she has written.Read it again and then again and try to take it in,especially

Remember - You have done NOTHING WRONG.

You cannot save your marriage on your own, unfortunately it takes 2 to make a marriage but only 1 to break it.

DO NOT BE AFRAID to ask for help

And the most important
You matter, you are important and you are special.

Take Care

  • bridget de jour
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18 Feb 08 #14242 by bridget de jour
Reply from bridget de jour
oh unhappyme, I really feel for you and can only echo the replies of the others.

You have done NOTHING wrong and deserve better, however, you are bound to be feeling either numb or devastating pain or (a bit of both).

Your husband may realise that the grass is never greener .. but if he does wish to return, take it slowly and please please believe me that whatever happens pain you are feeling does get easier.

Take care and good luck xxx

  • Specialdad
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18 Feb 08 #14244 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
Sorry to say this and it might not be relevant in your case.

But in a few relationships including mine, the wife only has sex to have children and after that is not interested in being intimate with her husband. That usually kills the marriage stone dead.

The man rightly or wrongly then looks for other woman to have sex with.

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