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confused and dazed....

  • JimmyJam
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13 Feb 08 #13826 by JimmyJam
Topic started by JimmyJam
Hi all

Thought I would say a quick hello and introduce myself as I can see I am going to be using this site as a great resource.
I am 35 and have been married for 13 years. I left my wife 4 weeks ago and also left my 2 children with her. I miss them so much and hate leaving them everyday after I put them to bed.
I walk around numb everyday thinking about them, hoping I am not screwing them up by leaving.
I live for my kids and have stayed in the relationship this long to try and give them a solid foundation but I can't take living with her anymore.
We are completely different people, and have grown so far apart that we have lead seperate lives for about 3 years now.
I want to keep it amicable so that some how I can get my children permanently, but I am struggling to deal with everything that is going on. I don't want to go back but feel I may have to just to stop the disapointed looks on my kids faces when I leave.
My wife has suggested marriage guidance and we attended our first meeting last week and I was not interested. I don't want to stay in my marriage anymore as I am not in love with her, but don't know how to move forward with a divorce without losing my children. I thought that if I could prove to her the marriage is finished that she would then agree to move on but it just doesn't seem to be making a difference.
I have been to see a solicitor already and know what I need to do when it comes to paperwork and such alike, I just don't think I can handle the emotional stress that is tearing me apart at the moment.
I am the one who has left the marriage but she keeps telling me she wants to try again. She will not give up and I can't stop seeing her as then I would have to stop seeing the children and I can't do that.
Just at a loss.
Sorry to have gone on.. but its good to be able to get this out.

  • gone1
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14 Feb 08 #13874 by gone1
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Jimmyjam. This is all your fault. You say you dont love your wife and you dont want her back. What do you think this is doing to your wife? She must be going thru absolute hell right now. When you signed on the dotted line it's meant forever.

She has said she will have you back. Frankly I am amazed at the strength of this women. You have been to coinsiling and you were not interested. What a thing to say?

You also meantion the looks on your kids faces. What do you think happens to this women when you leave her after visiting the kids? I bet she is destroyed. I feel for her.

You also say that you want custody of the kids. Say you managed this amazing feat. What would this do to your wife to lose you and the kids? Have you no heart?

Sorry this is not what you want to here but you should be trying to save your marriage. You loved her once and you can love her again. Try.

Many on here have suffered at the hands of bad people. I just hope that you change your mind and re-unite your family. Its not to late. Flame away, Chris.

  • phoenix1
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14 Feb 08 #13876 by phoenix1
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Agree with Chris on this one. You say you don't love her anymore and don't want to stay in the marriage anymore so WHY did you go to marriage guidance knowing this? Was it just to tease her? let her think that you might go back? To build her hopes up so you could crush them again?

I don't understand how you are struggling. It was your decision to leave your wife, children and home. Did you not think what might happen and how you would feel?

You have know idea the pain that you are causing to your wife and also your children,you say you have lived different lives for 3 years don't you think you should of gone to relate or something like that during those three years?

Every night you go back, your wife will hope that you stay and you are just torturing her by doing this.
Sorry but you need to re think what you are doing.

  • mummybear38
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14 Feb 08 #13878 by mummybear38
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I agree with Chris to a certain extent JimmyJam but understand that you are very torn at the moment. Relate and Counselling cannot wave a magic wand over night and I would urge you to go through the course first before making a final decision. Of course your children mean the world to you and with compromise and understanding it may be that you and your wife could agree residency and contact which keeps all 4 of you reasonably happy. However if you are determined and 100% sure that you no longer love your wife then you must be cruel to be kind - I speak from experience as my ex apparently had no feelings for me for about a year before he told me and I remember feeling totally humilated by everything we had done together during that year having been a lie. Remember too JimmyJam that children do make a huge difference to relationships and is not the case that your wife is busy being a mother at the moment and maybe neglecting you as a husband? - its a very difficult balancing game to win - again I speak from experience here.

You may think you are being kind to your wife by being there everyday to tuck the children into bed but I promise you that you are not. If she is still in love with you everyday you are there will be breaking her heart even more and will make the recovery so much harder. The more you see her the more she will think you can be reconciled.

It is not divorce that damages children but the fall out afterwards and I would urge you to tread very, very carefully if you decide to proceed down that path. You will see from this site that so much damage and heartache has been caused between people who obviously have at some point had a loving relationship - it is amazing the capacity men and women have for ripping each other apart. My heart goes out to you on Valentines Day and I do hope that you commit to finishing the Relate counselling but if you are 100% sure today JimmyJam then I hope that you and your wife and recover and continue to parent your children in a loving and lasting way.

Finally, remember that whilst a divorce dissolves your marriage you will forever have a relationship with your wife as parents to your two children and that will never, ever change.

Let us know how you get on JimmyJam your story may well help others.

Kind regards,

  • Vail
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14 Feb 08 #13893 by Vail
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Well, that seems like a pretty honest post you put up.

You seem to be saying that you can't see yourself living with your wife of 13 years despite her saying that she's willing to try to make the marriage work.

I think that's a pretty big step on her part.

You obviously have reasons for feeling the way you do and I hope to God they're good ones and not just an 'itch'.

Consider very, very carefully what it is you want from life, because you only live it once. You say you don't love your wife now, so what? To be blunt, you think perhaps that life is a bed of roses? Life is as good as YOU make it and if your wife is willing to try then the least you can do is reciprocate and explore every avenue of reconcilliation.

People change in life, they certainly may grow apart but then they may also grow toward each other. Where there is goodwill between two people anything may happen. A marriage is seldom lovey-dovey 24/7 and needs input from both people to make it work. The more you both put in, the better your returns.

As for your children, do you care so much more about yourself?

  • hostee
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14 Feb 08 #13923 by hostee
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Im glad you submitted this post and I wish you all the luck in the world, dont stay through guilt, thats awful, stay if you love her stay if you can truly make it work stay if theres any hope of rebuilding your marriage..BUT get out and stay out if its over for you, as hard as it will be for your wife and your kids, you have to also be truel to yourself. Try and be gentle about it try and be kind and caring and understanding, you dont need to turn into a nasty basta"d its not needed.
Good Luck

  • chrisjoy
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15 Feb 08 #13947 by chrisjoy
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confused and dazed, if you loved your wife once then do the decent thing and stop popping in the fm then leaving again. Get the divorce you want so much then make formal arrangements to see your children with your wife's agreement. The children are the innocent parties, you should not lose touch with them for your own selfish reasons, they need a dad as well as a mum.

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