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Hello - should I be here?

  • Urban Spaceman
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19 Feb 08 #14389 by Urban Spaceman
Topic started by Urban Spaceman
I am married (26 years) and have 2 grown-up (20+) children still at home. So what am I doing on here? Well I am thinking of leaving my wife in the near future and hope this will be a place where I can learn from the experiences of others as well as, in time, giving feedback to others if/when I go through the process of separation and divorce.

Some backgound to my circumstances...
My wife hasn't worked since we married due her anxiety problems which can occasionally be very debilitating. Our house is more or less paid off but is only worth about £175K. Our joint savings are less than £5K. I am in a steady job with a reasonable salary, but it only just about covers all our outgoings as I'm the sole earner.

If I leave my wife there is simply no way I can afford to FULLY support her as I do now and rent/buy a place of my own. Our house isn't worth enough to split and buy 2 smaller properties outright in the Kent/Sussex commuter areas. My question is (if this is the right place) - would my wife be entitled to any kind of income support if we were separated? We have never claimed unemployment benefit, family credit, income support etc. so I have no idea how all this works.

If she was entitled to benefit, would it only apply after being separated for a certain length of time? Or not until we were divorced?

If anyone can help me based on their experiences or at least point me in the right direction, I would be very grateful. And please accept my apology if these sort of questions should be posted elsewhere - bear with me, I'm new!

  • gone1
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19 Feb 08 #14394 by gone1
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US. Should you be here? Only you know that. 26 years is an hell of an investment in time in each other. Cant you save it? Divorce is a shit place to be. It wrecks lives and you may live to regret it. Have you tried counsiling? Have you spoke to her?

Its not all about housing or spliting money etc. Becuase you may actualy lose everything you have worked for. Including your kids. I would try everything before chossing the divorce path. What will this do to your wife and family? Be sure you want this. It aint like choosing a new sofa or if you should build an exetension this year. This is big life changing stuff. You may end up alone in a bedsit with nothing and all your housemates are kids. Chris

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19 Feb 08 #14402 by Urban Spaceman
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Thanks for the reply Chris.

The marriage for me is dead. I haven't loved my wife or wanted to be with her for many years and no amount of counselling can change that, but I do care about her and want to make sure she is provided for if we split. The reason I haven't left before is down to 3 reasons:

First - making sure the kids had a stable, loving environment to grow up in. I always put them first but they are both adults now.

Second - we rarely argue and are more like flat-mates and it's easy to settle for a comfortable but tedious life when faced with the bed-sit scenario you mentioned.

Third - my wife still loves me and I don't want to hurt her just for the sake of my freedom which in effect would be sitting alone in a dingy flat.

Although I couldn't bear the thought of another 26 years, I also couldn't bear causing the hurt to my wife/kids and losing my relatively comfortable life just to be poor and alone. So I have just drifted along.

But something has changed, and that is I've fallen in love with a woman I've worked with for 2 years. She is single and also loves me. We have been close for several months now but there has been no physical relationship because she doesn't want to break up a marriage (even though it was already broken). I do know however that once my marriage is over...or at least once I've been separated a few months...that she would move in with me.

You're right Chris, 26 years is a huge investment. Staying for another 26 years is frightening, and ending it is equally frightening.

  • chillygirl
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19 Feb 08 #14407 by chillygirl
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I don't know what I would do in that situation (8 years was my longest relationship and was heart wrenching to leave)

I think that because this other woman is involved now, you may be thinking more of divorce. (the fact of no sex and her willing to move in once divorced) So you have something to look forward to from being divorced.


Though the guilt maybe of your wife and children makes you reconcider?

I think if you don;t love somebody, then you should leave them. Let them find someone to love them and vice versa.

I would hate to think I was with someone who didn't love me and was there for the house, kids, finances blah blah.

Why ruin the rest of your lives?

It cannot be easy with your wife's anxiety and troubles, maybe if she got some medication and therapy she will be able to cope with her future more.

As for the children (myself being from divorced and re- married parents) i wanted my folks to be happy, be it together or apart.

I think you need to tell your wife about this woman and your feelings. After 26 years together, she deserves to at least know the truth.

I wish you well in your life!

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19 Feb 08 #14413 by gone1
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Ahhh now the penny has dropped. There is another on the scene and you are bored with your family life. And becuase she is new and you hope that you can make a go of it you wish to ditch your long suffering wife. Whats wrong with flatmates? You say she loves you. Why?

You think the grass is greener on the other side? I can tell you its not. You are making a classic mistake. If you go thru with this you will almost certainly lose your family and your in laws etc.

People are not stupid. They will work out what you are upto.

Say you did walk out and start living in a bedsit. Then along comes this women and hey presto you are an item. How does that look to your long suffering wife and kids? Correct. They wash there hands of you. And then 2 years down the line this women falls in love with someone else at work. See the cycle? Good. People that covert someone else's wife or husband are no good. They relationship hop from married couple to married couple leaving massive damage in there wake. She knows what she is doing.

How is this women going to live with you after 3 months? In a bedsit? I can see you have not thought this thru. At the moment you are exciting and you have money and you work at the same place etc. How will she look apon you when you are living in a 8' X 6' room that is stashed to the ceiling with all that you could stash in your car? Have you ever lived in a bedsit? I have and I can tell you it aint fun. You come from a nice family home with a few rooms and a nice 3 peice suit etc and then next moment you are in a little room in a bed thats knackered. There is a pecking order in bedsits. You get all the shite kit to start with and shite room. As people move out you take over there room and get a better bed etc. Its not like it is on Eastenders.

Its a romantic fantasy. Real life is not romantic all the time. Its about drudgery and saving money and holidays and watching your kids grow. Your bored out of your skull and this new women makes you excited at the prospects of it all.

You could become another divorce statistic or you could do something about your marriage and forget this almost bit on the side. But if you are intent on commiting relationship suicide I cannot stop you. I am trying to make you see sense.

Who was it that blamed me for promoting divorce? See I try and do good sometimes ;)

Chris.

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19 Feb 08 #14416 by Urban Spaceman
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chillygirl wrote:

It cannot be easy with your wife's anxiety and troubles, maybe if she got some medication and therapy she will be able to cope with her future more.


She has been on medication and therapy since before I knew her and to be honest I feel like an unpaid carer. If she was able to work and support herself I would be a lot more comfortable about making the break. The thought of her not coping with it all is a huge worry both to me and the lady I'm in love with.

You are right, I am thinking more of divorce now this other lady is on the scene but we are both caring people and the thought of possibly ruining someone else's life in return for our happiness is something we are both struggling to deal with.

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter

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19 Feb 08 #14420 by Urban Spaceman
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Chris, I understand everything you are saying but you are making a lot of presumptions.

My wife is long-suffering because of her illness. If you mean because of me, well I've always treated her kindly which is perhaps the reason she loves me. I have paid for everything during our marriage and never cheated on her before.

I haven't just become bored of family life...if it only it was that simple.

The "other lady" I have known for a long time and have friends who have known her longer - she has never been involved with a married man before. Every time we meet for a coffee or meal we split the cost 50/50 but she still tries to pay more than her fair share because she feels bad about me spending any money that I could be spending on my wife. She has no interest in money or material things, she dresses very simply and has already turned down my offers to leave my wife for her. She knows very well that if we do end up together one day that it will be in a small flat somewhere and that I won't have much cash to my name. We fell in love through working side by side for 2 years...she is not some gold-digger I met in a club somewhere.

You think I haven't thought this through? I've been thinking it through for years, long before the new lady came on the scene. I'm well aware how hard losing my comfortable lifestyle will be...I've already mentioned my fears on that...whether I will be able to cope with the reality who knows.

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