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First post

  • booklady
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20 Feb 08 #14474 by booklady
Topic started by booklady
I thought I ought to introduce myself before seeking any help/guidance/support elsewhere on the forum.

I'm 48 (last week), been with my partner for 28 years and married for 22 and we have 2 children - 15 and 10. It seems now that we had relationship problems for most of that time although there must have been some happy times.
We did try counselling (for a whole year!) but to no avail. Relate washed their hands of us eventually because both counsellors that we saw didn't think there was a relationship to save as there was only one of us involved in it - me!
We've continued to limp along in limbo since then although every time we hit a dip he would make grandiose promises of making me happy etc but it was never followed up by a single action. The only time in the past few years when he has been affectionate to me have been during periods of stress/anxiety that he has suffered - apparently always work-related, nothing to do with our relationship. At these times he would want to talk to me, listen to me, be affectionate (although not sexual) would tell me how much he appreciated me etc and then as soon as he was on the up again I would see and feel the gap grow wider again.
To cut a long and painful story short we've just been through another of these cycles again. I was unhappy at being relegated to an afterthought in his life most of the time and talked about leaving. He did another grand gesture of telling me that really wasn't what he wanted, he wanted us to stay together and he was going to really try etc Within a week of saying all this he couldn't even be bothered to arrange to do anything on my birthday. Needless to say I was not impressed and in the resulting fallout he admitted that he really didn't want to try and hadn't for years and so he would leave.
I have known for so long that this was how things would turn out so why am I so upset? I feel extremely angry that he has made so many promises over the years and everyone with no substance to them - and I knew and yet not only did I let it continue but I also never stopped trying to find ways of involving him in the relationship. I really wanted it to work.
I should feel relief that it is finally over - maybe I will in time but I just feel so hurt right now.
We haven't told the kids yet - my daughter is doing her GCSE's this summer so we thought we should wait until after that but I am really struggling with having to play happy families when I really don't want to be in the same room as he is.

Well that's a simplified version of where I'm at - I've got to go to work now but will revisit the forum and hopefully take support - and maybe even in time be able to offer it in return - to others who are in similar positions.

  • BVG
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20 Feb 08 #14478 by BVG
Reply from BVG
Hi Booklady,
What a pitifull state your husband seems to be in. Do you think it is depression, is work getting to much for him. It doesn't sound as though there is anyone else invovled or drugs/alcohol. I guess deep down there is something eating away at him and troubling him.

WHATEVER YOU DO KEEP TALKING. 28yrs is long time in someones life. If and when he does move out, still keep talking and try whatever you do to stay friends.

The forum is here for you and there are a great number of people to draw strength from. I did and it worked for me

Chin up, keep smiling and try and think of at least one positive thing everday

  • Tinny
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20 Feb 08 #14485 by Tinny
Reply from Tinny
With respect what about the state Booklady is in? She has tried for a long time, she has supported him through his low periods, she has talked to him and now he doesnt want to try! We've all heard of the straw that broke the camels back, maybe her back has just been broke. :unsure:

In saying that, "its good to talk" and very important now.

Booklady, hope you get loads of good advice here. BVG is right that you need to keep the communication going. 28 years is a long time, too long to just throw away, but youre only 48 you need the rest of your life to be a happy one. I hope you and your husband can work this through but only if YOU dont have to make all the compromise's.

Take care

  • gone1
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20 Feb 08 #14492 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Booklady. I cant add much more than say welcolm. You will feel all kinds emotions in the coming weeks and months. This husband of you sounds like a right arsehole. But you have some positives from your marriage and I can only agree with what others have said. All the best, Chris.

  • redoctober
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20 Feb 08 #14495 by redoctober
Reply from redoctober
Hello booklady,

We are all capable of putting up with a less-than-perfect situation partly because of the children, partly because we are unable/unwilling to face the consequences of a breakup.
Only you can know how far down the line you both have travelled.
The thing you have NO control over is if/when your husband decides to call it a day and possibly files for divorce.

I am not advocating that you get in there first with separation proceedings, but it would be a good idea to familiarise yourself with said proceedings, should it come to that.
This site is a very good start and knowing what may happen takes some of the fear of the unknown away.
As the previous posts said, it is absolutely vital that you both keep talking. I should know as the stbx and I still live in the same house with not a word spoken ( have given up attempts after a year as there was no response ) which 1. stresses you out no end and 2. makes solicitors even wealthier.

I wish you all the best and, most of all, fortitude

  • chillygirl
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20 Feb 08 #14523 by chillygirl
Reply from chillygirl
Hello booklady.
I am new also, just wanted to say that people on here are very welcoming and extremely helpful.
You have come to the right place

  • booklady
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23 Feb 08 #14883 by booklady
Reply from booklady
Thanks for the welcome and support. Sorry I haven't replied to you all individually - I haven't been able to get on to internet without chance of one of the kids peering over my shoulder.

Yes 28 years is a long time but my husband would openly admit that he lost interest in trying to rebuild a relationship many years ago. I'm sure he stayed so long because he is committed to the children and has always been a very involved parent. But I am so angry that he wasn't honest about his feelings and has continued to lie on a regular basis about wanting to make it work only to back it up with no action.
We've nearly got to this point so many times before but there is no going back this time - we both know that but that doesn't mean that I feel it is a mutual decision. My commitment to the family is that I would have done anything I could to have made the marriage work before calling it quits and he didn't do that.
I'm not a vindictive sort of person and I know that too much negativity can eat you up and destroy you. We are just about talking about the children but I finding it very difficult to make everything seem normal at home and wonder how long I can keep up the pretence. I know there's never a right moment to tell the kids but we are agreed that we shouldn't do it before our daughter has finished her GCSE's in June. At least hopefully by then I might have simmered down a little and we might have been able to start sorting out financial and property arrangements. We do seem to have an agreement that we will try and keep the family house and that I will continue to live here in the short term at least but how the finances will work I have no idea as we live at or above our means already.
I shall be reading some of the other posts regarding property and finance for guidance.

Thanks again - although I don't like the thought that other people are suffering as well it is some comfort to know that I'm not alone.

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