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Inevitable and still a shock!

  • Alan333
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24 Feb 08 #14944 by Alan333
Topic started by Alan333
It's strange that I after so many years of have having my head in the sand.Have been handed my divorce papers as if it were the daily paper.25 years married with a 9 year old daughter.I have been trying to keep a marriage together for the sake of my daughter for I suppose 3 years now living together but apart.
There is not much more I can say at the moment.but it is like a huge explosion without the noise.
I have read others posts and it's good to know I'm not so alone in this...mess
Alan

  • scottishlady
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24 Feb 08 #14946 by scottishlady
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Hi Alan....
Welcome to the world of wikivorce....
whether or not your situation was 'inevitable'... when it actually 'happens'.. it is a massive shock....
you need time to come to terms with it....
You have been married for a long time.... and you have a young child.... try to 'take your time'.... think long and hard - is this what you REALLY want.... the divorce route is not one to be taken if there are any options at all....
Most of all.... take care of you and yours.....

SL:)

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24 Feb 08 #14956 by WizardofWisdom
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Hi Alan

The positives do come, but it takes a while. For me, it was about 6 months, but no two people are alike.

My best advice at this stage is to allow yourself to feel the effects of the "shock" part, not to keep telling yourself you shouldn't be shocked because it was inevitable.

It hurts, my friend, and the fastest route to healing I know is not to resist the pain, but to allow it. You won't fall apart, (that's always the fear). In fact, if you resist, you make that more likely by all the effort put into bottling up.

Take care of yourself first - that's the only way you'll be able to take care of others and of business.

And part of that can be this: do something that feels good and doesn't require your brain - like get a Shiatsu massage or something. Thinking about it all the time, (which we do when we're in shock), intensifies but doesn't heal the pain. Pampering yourself has the opposite effect.

Hope that helps!
TE.

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25 Feb 08 #14965 by Alan333
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Thank you.

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25 Feb 08 #14966 by Alan333
Reply from Alan333
Thank you TE.What you say I know makes sense.Alan

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25 Feb 08 #14971 by Gingerkitty
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Alan - I too had the inevitable happen after 25 years of marriage. Its the shock of seeing something actually in black and white and from a solicitor that was reality.

If there is a positive and fortunte side to this, I had time to adjust and get my head around things because 18 months prior to becoming the Respondent (unreasonable behaviour cited, but as my solicitor says, thats just a formality), my X2B had an affair which he manufactured to try and get me to Petition him. At that time, I could not bring myself to divorce him, because I felt that the love that I had for him was enough for the two of us. It took a lot of courage for me to continue living with him in the hope that things would get better. The strange thing is, he says he loves me but he is and always has been one to look after himself and no-one else and needs constant praise and attention. I have always been very low on his list of priorities and for some unknown reason have grown to accept this - yes, more fool me.
After reaching near breaking point, I sought help and was referred for one to one counselling by my GP. This lasted 6 months and by the end of this period I realised that I did like myself and that I was not being selfish by thinking of myself for once and what I wanted. A further three months down the line I looked at my X2B and what he was doing to me and my children (psychological mind games, but thats another story), and from nowhere it suddenly dawned on me that I didnt want to be with him anymore, that unconditional love I had for him had gone, that tiny piece of hope had gone. Over Christmas our daughter took an overdose and whilst not wholly because of her dad's attitude to us, it was a contributing factor.
Whilst concerning myself with daughter's recovery, X2B took umbridge that he was not the centre of attention and petitioned me. The inevitable happened, the pain re-appears but what I learnt about myself during counselling took me to a level far higher than I though possible. I am now looking forward to a positive refreshing new start, once again being me and the person I want to be not the person someone else expected me to be. The pain has dulled over the last 18 months, it still hurts but does get better.i try and turn any negative thoughts to positive ones and as above, have some ME time now.
Onward and upward, look forward to a bright new future.
Remember, better a bitter end, than bitterness with no end .....
Take care
Gingerkitty

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25 Feb 08 #14986 by Alan333
Reply from Alan333
Thank you for your support and honesty.I need time to think about your post.I'm off to the solicitors right now.I will get back to you later.Thank you again.GK
Alan

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