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Divorcing my cheating husband but feel sad

  • cindygirl
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07 Mar 08 #16067 by cindygirl
Topic started by cindygirl
I found out last November that my husband of 16 years was having an affair with a younger woman, she has 6 kids but only two live at home, she left 4 behind with her husband to pursue my man. I was heartbroken as i thought our marriage was stable but found out the affair had lasted 6 months. My husband told me he didnt love this woman but had got into something too deep to get out of. Two weeks later he told me he had dumped her & wanted to try to rebuild out marriage. It was really hard for me but i gave our marriage a chance, we seemed to get on well for 3 months until i discovered he was back with her & had lied to me again. Apparently the split only lasted a few days, he had led a double life yet again. He continues to text & ring me every day, saying he still loves me & doesnt want to lose me, that one day he wants us to get back together again, but not now. I told him he has no chance of winning me back whilst he still sees her every day. Hes since moved in with her & that has hurt me a lot. I loved this man with all my heart, we had no kids together but i helped raised his 4 from his previous marriage, theyre all grown up now. I want to move on & forget him but every day i wake up i feel lost, i dont know who i am anymore. I take anti-depressants & have to take a sleeper to get any sleep at night. I cant eat or enjoy simple things in life anymore. Im finding it hard to talk to anyone about it as they just tell me to get rid of him & get someone new in my life. I put a divorce in 2 months ago but it broke my heart to do it. Anyone got advice on how i can move on & forget him? Every day is like torture to me, i thought we were good together & every day he told me how much he loved me, even when he was seeing her!

  • mike62
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07 Mar 08 #16070 by mike62
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cindygirl,
Welcome to Wikivorce. I am very sorry to hear of your situation. It is awful that we think we knew someone and trusted them so implicitly to have that trust hurled back at us in deceit and lies. And after you helped him to raise his children from another relationship too.

I have to say that I agree with the people that you talk to in that he is not worthy of you. How can you hope to enjoy life when your life partner is prepared to lie and cheat, then convince you that they love you and then continue to lie and cheat behind your back?

That is no basis for a loving relationship. Why should you be prepared to play second fiddle to some slapper that abandons her children to steal your man?

Who does he think he is? You are worth so much more than that. You are a person that deserves happiness, as we all do. How much happiness is he prepared to give you? If he dropped her tomorrow, how long would it be before he found another? He is a serial philanderer and he isn't worth scraping off your shoe. What has he done to you? He has made you feel so inadequate that you are prepared to contemplate taking him back. How can that be right? What is so special about him that he can abuse your trust, screw with your emotions and leave you dependent on anti-depressants and sleeping pills? The answer is nothing. It is very easy for others to say 'dump him and move on' But they don't have the heartache that you do.

The first step in moving on is to detach yourself from him emotionally. How? Don't respond to him. It is incredibly hard, but you can do it. Ignore him. Hurts like hell, but do it. Then think about you. Do something good for you. Spoil yourself. Be selfish. Indulge yourself. Do something new. DO something you have never done, but always fancied trying. But don't let him be involved at all. You will find that you can exist and enjoy yourself without him.

You have to reach very deep within yourself to find the strength to say 'ENOUGH'. Don't let him mess with your emotions any more. Get a new phone and don't give him the number.

You were together a long time. Nobody pretends it is easy, but you need to do it for you. Painful as it is, every interaction with him is making you worse. So stop interacting, and start looking after cindy for a while.

You CAN do it, but you must be very, very strong.

Take care and keep posting

Mike

  • Gingerkitty
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07 Mar 08 #16118 by Gingerkitty
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Cindygirl - my heart goes out to you, I too was in a similar position as you and Mike62's advice to you is exactly what I would say.
Believe me, it does get easier, even though currently you can see no light at the end of the tunnel, you will wake one day and suddenly have the strength to move on. I thought I could trust my X2B again, that I could be all that he wanted me to be, but when he made it quite clear to me that he had had one affair and could quite easily do it again, that really hit home. I realised that even if we did stay together I would always have that threat looming around me.
Do try and talk to someone about your feelings, it does help getting them out in the open. It may sound odd to say this, but once you air your feelings they seem to be easier to come to terms with, bottling them up doesnt help.
Take care.
GKx

  • kidsinbulgaria
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08 Mar 08 #16136 by kidsinbulgaria
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What is it with men who want to have their cake and eat it !!
It's normally a case of the man seeing his wife as 'homely' as the spark and lust has gone from the relationship and when the 'exciting' mistress comes along he does not have the moral fortitide to say no...

I have never cheated on any partner, even through the sex crazed teenage years. Believe me the temptations were there but I always had the respect, honesty and bravery to finish with any present partner before moving onto pastures new.

Made the right decision ? Look in the mirror and unless you have mug or doormat tattooed on your forehead then yes it sounds like you have made the right decision.

16 years of your adult life is no doubt a large chunk of your life so it will be hard and take time to adjust to your new life but remember there are single, respectful, honest, caring men out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Yes, you will be less trusting next time around but do not close yourself off completely.

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08 Mar 08 #16137 by kidsinbulgaria
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What is it with men who want to have their cake and eat it !!
It's normally a case of the man seeing his wife as 'homely' as the spark and lust has gone from the relationship and when the 'exciting' mistress comes along he does not have the moral fortitide to say no...

I have never cheated on any partner, even through the sex crazed teenage years. Believe me the temptations were there but I always had the respect, honesty and bravery to finish with any present partner before moving onto pastures new.

Made the right decision ? Look in the mirror and unless you have mug or doormat tattooed on your forehead then yes it sounds like you have made the right decision.

16 years of your adult life is no doubt a large chunk of your life so it will be hard and take time to adjust to your new life but remember there are single, respectful, honest, caring men out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Yes, you will be less trusting next time around but do not close yourself off completely.

  • needhimout
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08 Mar 08 #16143 by needhimout
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Hi there, i am too am in a similar situation, i only got to know that something was wrong a month ago, never suspected a thing,and only admitted the affair a week ago, even so i am constantly telling myself, I have done nothing wrong and I deserve respect,and try to build my strength on a day to day basis, it hard for me because he refuses to leave, so i have to see the lying cheating low life everyday...

My LCH, has been married twice before me, and he is 35 !! fantastic track record eh, and his second marriage failed because.... guess what ! he had an affair, history all over again, the only difference then was he walked away, but he is digging his heels in with me and refuses to leave, which in my opinion is like mental cruelty..

Be strong, and say to yourself everyday that you are a good and wonderful person, who deserves respect and the chance to be happy again, and as one of the previous poster said, there are people out there who are honest, and caring .... wish i had found someone like that lol :unsure:

  • loobyloo
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08 Mar 08 #16145 by loobyloo
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needhimout
did you know he had been married twice before? seems marriage means nothing anymore does it
my heart goes out to you and cindy and all others too
my x2b didnt cheat(that i know of) but his actions and behaviour just as hurtful...its horrid but how do we as humans seem to have the natural resolve to survive... which we all will
looby

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