Hi Folks. I've lurked here before and decided it's time to join up. I've no dramatic tale to tell, like many of you. Reading your posts helps me put me own troubles in perspective. I'm not in crisis, just a long slow, stalemate.
I've been married for 21 years to somebody who is dominating and unstable. She drinks too much and never puts anything away. Every room in the house is packed with stuff. Her idea of working together is working together on her projects, etc. etc.
It's exhausting calming her down one day and fighting my corner the next. I stay though because we have a teenage son, because I keep hoping things will get better and because my wife and I have a lot in common. We can have some great conversations about things outside the house. So, I'm undecided but talking to a counsellor, researching and thinking ...
Hi Tom, only you can know, do you still love your wife? Believe me when I say that seperating is impossibly hard to deal with and if you have any hope you should try counselling, my husband did not make me realise he might leave me and we did not deal with our issues in time, by the time he told me how he felt it was too late, he was having an affair.
Hi Emalou. You've found the central question, do I still love her, and I'm not sure what the answer is. It's something like "Yes as a person, but we can't run a house together". The latest argument persuaded me to join up here, because it was so minor. A disagreement over where she'd asked me to put something led in less than a couple of minutes to her threatening to leave.
We've tried counselling in the remote past and it was of some help. She did anger management at the same time. I recently suggested family counselling as a lot of arguments stem from our different parenting styles and she rejected it out of hand. That said, enough time has probably passed now for me to raise it again. I'll also bear in mind what you say about separation being hard to deal with.
Like emalou I had no idea my H was leaving as he was having an affair.
Talk tell her whats wrong go to relate and if you do split prepare yourselves for the huge imact it will have on your lives.
Best of luck whatever you choose
Thanks, Megan. I can see what you two mean about nipping problems in the bud and trying counselling but taking a deep breath about what may happen. I'd like to hold off doing anything drastic till my 17-year old son has completed his 'A' levels in 2009 as I'm aware there'll be an impact on him. If it starts to look like waiting is the more stressful option then yes, I'll act sooner.
I think the maine question now is what is the effect of the way you and your wife deal with each other on your son. You said you and here have a very different stile of parenting. Is this situation affecting your son in this sensitive age of teenager. How is he feeling and how is he doing. Is he copping well with both of you. I thing you have to put all these things and not only his school into consideration and then decide to go for separation or not in the present time.
This is one area I am sure of - well, most of the time: our son is coping. His mother's style is to keep upping the (alleged) punishment until he breaks. I often find myself agreeing with her about the original issue then moving over to his side as she ups the threats beyond what we agreed was proportionate. She then phones her mother to complain about me, and I rarely find out what her mother thinks, but I can tell by my wife's response that her mother sometimes agrees with me.
A lot of my wife's threats are empty, but you can never quite tell in advance which ones. I've broken parental solidarity to talk to our son in private about how best to handle his mother and he seems to be catching on: he stays calm longer under pressure for example. He also knows he has me to talk to and he has emotional release with all the drama he does.
I guess the best thing for now is to do my stay-go thinking in private, and only tackle my wife on specific issues. I can also do research and steel myself for when I can argue more openly once junior is at uni (or wherever)