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Still in shock......

  • not fine but will be
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13 Mar 08 #16726 by not fine but will be
Topic started by not fine but will be
Hi,

Where do I begin.....never thought I would be doing this, but then I guess none of us did.

Saturday 1st March I returned from taking my daughter to her flute lesson and visiting a very poorly friend to find that my husband had packed up his belongings and left...No note, no forwarding address NOTHING. OK things had not been great for either of us for a while due to job loss, illness etc. But hey do you really walk away from things after only 16 months of marriage??? No i'm not a teenager, but a young at heart 49 year old who really thought she had met the man of her dreams, I have never felt such utter happiness with anyone and proudly made my marriage vows for what I truly believed were for life..Now I feel broken, used and totally void.........someone please tell me this will get better....

  • john235
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15 Mar 08 #16898 by john235
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Hi, just want to say that, yes it will get easier but probably not very quickly. You are correct in describing your condition as shock because it does really shake you to the core. You are in a different situation to me in that your partner has gone and so you cant discuss the problem, but even if you could like I did you may just find that you are given a whole host of spurious reasons and demands that even if you try to meet them you are still judged not good enough. Dealing with the feelings of rejection and hurt are so very difficult but you are an intelligent woman who has made the first step in getting over this very traumatic episode by coming on here to find help for you and your daughter, so well done for being resourceful and brave.
I say not very quickly because I think we all want to get out of these situations back into what we thought we had but as I found once it has happened there is no going back things will always be different. In some relationships if they are out of balance then maybe that isnt a bad thing but if its a partner who no longer wants to be there then you would probably be wasting more of your time(like I have done) waiting and hoping it would get better. All that happens then is you just lower your self esteem all the more and you dont deserve that. Be strong for your daughter, be good to yourself and in time hopefully you will meet someone else who you can share happy times with. Most importantly if you feel as low as I did when it first happened dont be embarrassed to seek help with the knowledge that there are many good people out there who want to help you, I found self help books very useful too. I am soon to be separated from someone who I have known and loved for 27 years, who had an affair and has decided on a complete change of direction in life and nothing I can do about it. It hurts like hell but is getting better slowly, and funnily enough I have kind of the opposite problem in that we are financially tied up in a house that we are extending and cannot yet sell so cannot make the break that would end this relationship and let me start thinking about my own and my kids future. So it's dragged on for nearly a year and still no light at the end of the tunnel. You may even find that the physical separation of you and your husband helps to bring it to an emotional conclusion quicker as you wont be living in limbo waiting for that phase of the breakdown to begin. I'm not sure if I'ved helped, hope so, but when you come on here you can see there are lots of us, women and men, being treated shabbily by people we loved and cared for.
Give yourself time to grieve and examine your part in the breakdown so that you can help yourself in future relationships, but don't be too down on yourself that will make you feel worse. Good luck, take care.

  • Elizabeth
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15 Mar 08 #16901 by Elizabeth
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Hello,

You have taken a brave step, I haven't been on this site too long myself but have found it a useful, informative and compassionate help. What a lovely reply from John! that is the kind of thing that will help you... over time.

I understand to a point your confusion and bewilderment - the leaving without explanation is like a guilotine through the heart. It's the fight or flight syndrome, if there is any kind of conflict then some people choose to flee rather than face the problem(s) and deal with them - it's their way of coping but it certainly does nothing to solve the situation.

I do hope you keep using this site - it may not help you right now but will let you know that you are not alone in your plight...!

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