Both depressed, kids stressed, his x2b won't stop

I don't know if i'm putting this in the right place here!

Don't know where to start either!

I am living with a kind and lovely man, he has been separated from his wife for almost 3 years now (we have been together for 2).

He began paying his wife £500 p/month maintenance!! he cold not keep this up along with all of his other costs (rent etc) as he is not earning a great deal. As soon as he suggested going to the CSA for the maintenance payments, his x2b began threats of him not seeing the kids - blatantly and without shame saying it was to get the maximum maintenance she could.

He gave in for a while and compromised by paying £350 p/m in order to keep seeing the kids, he also paid for all school clothes (finding out since that she gets free uniforms for them!!). He paid for school trips and also reguarly did work on her new property (in which she lives rent free due to the maintenance not being paid thru the csa!!). Basically all she needed to do was say "it's for the kids" and he'd understandably fall for it.

Everything was going well until she decided that, as her friend was getting more thru the csa, she wanted to go down that route too...when she found out she'd get over £100 less p/m than she was she began telling the children that they weren't to stay overnight with us or she'd call the police to bring them home. This stressed the children out so much that they were afraid to come over incase the police came to take them. We took advice and had to stop seeing them until this behaviour stopped.

She used this as a way of turning the children agaist my partner, saying that he didnt want them anymore because he had me. They knew this wasnt true as i love them both to bits, they didnt fall for it over the whole time we did not have contact but it has affected them being bombarded with this negativity again and again. WE tried and tried to reume contact but lies were made up about the kids being afraid to come over etc.

Anyway, the x2b's housing benefit was due to be cancelled because she was receiving this maintenance so she called and dangled the kids infront of him... "if i let you see them again, can you pay me by DD instead of thru CSA?" Of course my partner agreed as not seeing the kids was killing him. We spoke with an Ed Psych who also spoke with the kids (her request as she thought it would come out on her side after all her 'work'). Both kids said they wanted to see us again and both discussed the fact that "mummy said daddy wanted nothing to do with us anymore". Totally blew up in her face.

We agreed in a mediated session with the EdPsych that regular contact should be resumed and was best for the kids. As this did not go her way, she is now after £50k AND £200 p/wk on top of the maintenance of £210!!! WE do not dispute the maintenance as the children will always be cared for and we do not dispute her claim over half of my partner's pension but we cannot afford this other ridiculous claim and cannot afford to go to court to defend it either as we are £200 p/year over the threshold for legal aid.

she has now had an interdict placed on my partner claiming that he has been violent towards her, shown molesting behaviour and put her in fear of her safety...how he has done this will literally zero contact between october and now is totally beyond me but as he could not afford to defend himself he is now under threat of arrest if it takes her fancy to call and claim he has done anything.

We are the couple who have police reference numbers due to her harassment and threats towards me.

I know that i am rambling but we just dont know what to do! everytime we seem to be getting anywhere, she decides to make another outrageous claim and gladly spreads her news like wildfire. its now got to the point where the daughter is often bullied at school because of other kids hearing the rubbish spouted by my partner's x2b. This has been 2 years of almost daily stress and hurdle jumping. Both of us are on anti-depressants and are both suffering from anxiety attacks as a result.

I understand that there are many of you who must be going through similar things and just want to know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel and how we can get there?

thanks for listening!

xxxxx

Sometimes doing nothing makes people feel worse and being proactive actually makes them feel more in control of the situation and less depressed.

As there is no contact happening and no chance of mediation because of non-mol I would suggest the first port of call could be to write to his wife's sol (assuming she has got one) saying it is in the children's best interest to have a meaningful relationship with both parents so contact needs to be re-established immediately, and propose either someone to act as intermediary for handing over or that the children are collected from school alternate Fri pm and retuned to school the following Mon am. Further to this he should make clear that an amicable resolution is sought but if negotiation doesn't start, say, within 7-10 days he feels there is no alternative from starting court proceedings.

Hopefully he will get a reply, although if not your partner should be prepared to make a court application even if he represents himself. He will then need to complete an application form C1 downloadable from www.hmcourts.gov.uk In all but the most exceptional cases the courts will always support contact. Initially this might be at a contact centre.

As for the finances it's difficult to comment without further details, other than he needs to remain emotionally detached and press on to reach a settlement one way or another.

PS Thanks for the xxxx, but I think your partner needs them more than me!

thanks for the reply!

we are seeing the kids at the moment cuz the EdPsych reccommended they have contact n the X knew that this would be used if it went to court so she had no choice really. Plus she wanted the maintenance thru direct debit so she could get her housing benefit rent free living back!!

It's the fact that she's already after only 2 months of seeing them again started putting ridiculous conditions on contact and changed his agreed contact times in the easter hols!

it's all just gotten out of hand and it's the way that it's affecting the kids that is upsetting us mostly... everything was fine for the whole year last year (as far as contact was concerned) until she decided she wanted more money like her friends (apparently) get so she started all of this nonsense.

Never thought even she could use her kids in this way. i've tried and tried to get on with her (and have always had good relationships with any of my x-boyfriends and their partners) but she cannot stop trying to control my partner's life and making things as hard for him as she can!

god... rant over lol

R u scottish? Just looking at the bottom of ur post hehe i'm living in scotland... which part are u from?

thanks

xx (dont worry, my mr gets plenty of those lol, he needs them right now!)

Yes, I live in Edinburgh and I hope those aren't Glasgow kisses!

You say you try and get on with his wife and that might be contributing to the problem. It's difficult but it really is best if you can stay in the background as far as she is concerned. Although I was on the opposite side, as it were, my ex messed around a good deal with contact and I lost business contracts and a lot in travel expenses before I twigged that's how he was going to be and worked around it. It does generally tend to get better in time, particularly once the finances are sorted.

The only thing your partner can do is hold firm and call her bluff, I think, in the hope that she realises it's not worthwhile pusuing a settlement through the courts.

lol theyre not!

when i say i try to get on with her, what i mean is, whenever she's needed any kind of help with the kids, advice etc i've always been there for her (because of my profession i'm able to help out a lot in this way).

I've forgiven her a lot of unkind things that she has done to me for the sake of the kids and i've always been pleasant to her in their company. I just mean that I've never started the arguments with her u knw? lol can't win tho suppose some ppl just instantly take a disliking and no matter what you do they will turn things against you.

we've been holding out since September now hoping that she'll come to her senses but hey u never know. Also found out now that her partner is delaying moving in with her until the divorce and the monetary demands are dealt with as if he moved in, his income (which is apparently considerably larger than mine or my parnter's) would be taken into account. Oh the games ppl play.

Sorry to hear about your situation, I hope things are better for you now! Its unbelievable how greedy and manipulative ppl you think you should be able to trust can become at the drop of a hat!

xx

Thanks. Our children are now young adults. Bearing in mind you are in Scotland is the new partner moving in actually going to make that much difference?

I dont know?? i assumed that him moving in with her would mean that her income would rise and therefore would she really have any reason to try to demand this money from him... dunno if the laws are different here regarding all of that?!?

If i thought it meant that we'd be left alone i'd give her every penny i earn lol

It's good to hear that things can settle down eventually. i know you must have been frustrated being messed about in the past, but it's really great that you come onto this site and are willing to give the benefits of your experience to others!

I know i'm grateful

x