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  • dsavel
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18 Mar 08 #17131 by dsavel
Topic started by dsavel
My Story
« on: October 03, 2007, 06:50:50 am » Quote Modify Remove

This is very hard for me but I need to do this. I am a 47 year old man. When I was 9 years old, I was sexually and physically abused by a brother. It continued for 3 years. I never told anyone about it. I was ashamed and thought that something was wrong with me. I was brought up a catholic and thought that I must have done something for this to happen. I never dated very much. I have always has a problem with relationships. I always have kept things inside, I guess that I was afraid that I would get hurt if I didn’t. I never told anyone about what had happened to me. I really wish that I would have because later in my life, I found out that my brother also molested my sister 2.
I met my wife in college. For me it was love at 1st sight. She was beautiful and nice. She had a high school boyfriend and I had problems with that. She finally chose me and I was on cloud nine. I sat down with her and told her about the abuse. I was ready for her to end it but she was so understanding. She encouraged me to get help. I just could not do it. I guess that I wasn’t ready. We got married and everything was great for the 1st 2 years. I got a job opportunity in her home town. I was worried about that because her hometown is a small rural town where everyone knows everything. I will not go into detail but her father, mother and I have never gotten along. My wife is the oldest child. She was always over protected by her family. I could list many things but it would take up to much space. I will tell you that the night before we married, my father in law told my brother and sister that I was not the right person for my wife to marry. I wish that they would have told me and then maybe we could have worked on things.
We bought a house in this town in the Midwest and almost immediately, the problems started. My in laws were over all the time. When we went to their house, I was treated like a red headed step child. I was the only one not from this small town. It was hard. My wife and I began to argue. I started to have anger issues. During an argument, my wife slapped my face. I struck my wife one time on the leg during an argument. I should have realized at that moment, that I needed help but I was too embarrassed. Things kept getting worse between us and the arguing continued about her family.
I had smoked all of my life. My wife knew this when we were married. I had a heart attack in 2000. I quit for 4 years cold turkey. I just started up again. I didn’t smoke all the time but every once in a while. I lied to my wife and told her I was not smoking. It really upset her. She kept telling me to get the help that I needed but I would not listen. My wife has said that I was a controlling person. I have always done whatever she wanted. I took the job in hometown even though I didn’t want to. I moved to her hometown. I was always the one who apologized just to make up. She hardly ever did. Everything was always my fault.
About 3 years ago, we were luckily if we had sex 1 a month. She just never wanted to have sex anymore. I began to look at pornography as a release for myself. I now know how dumb and stupid that this was but it really hurt my wife. In Jan. of 07, my wife said that she didn’t love me anymore. I new that we had problems but I always thought that we could work them out. I agreed to get help and started therapy and it has helped a great deal. I no longer have any anger issues and I have confronted and dealt with my brother and what he did to me. I was honest with my wife’s family and told them everything that had happened to me as a child. I was surprised to find out that my wife had told her family 10 years ago.
My wife and I had a major blow up right before father’s day. She said that she needed time to think so I went, with my youngest son age 10, to see my parents. While there, on father’s day, my older 2 kids, 19 and 18, were called to my in laws house. My father in law told them their parents were getting a divorce before my wife even told me. She went and saw a lawyer the next day. She finally called me on Friday. AI talked to a lawyer and he told me that even though I did not want this divorce that I had to protect myself and my children by filing 1st which I did. My wife was very upset. Since Jan. she has not been the women that I married. She is mean, and nasty. We are living in the same house because we do not make enough to have one of us got an apt. We are at the beginnings of the divorce and it is so hard. When I filed, I filed for joint everything. She wants physical custody with me seeing my son 1 day a week and every other weekend. This is not enough.
My wife and I are getting this divorce and there have been many problems on both sides during this marriage. The therapy is helping but I still do not want this divorce. I see her everyday at the house at it is very hard. We are doing the best that we can. I continue to ask her to go to marriage counseling but she refuses. She saw a marriage councilor once. The councilor said my wife had issues to work on before we could work on the marriage. She has never worked on theses issues and has given up. I have always been involved in my children’s life. They are 1st for me. I accept her decision and I know that you cannot make someone love you. I will love my wife for ever but we just cannot be together. We have been married 23 years and have 3 children. It takes 2 to have a marriage and it takes 2 to end one.

  • mike62
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18 Mar 08 #17132 by mike62
Reply from mike62
Welcome to Wikivorce. You have had a very difficult time and it is extremely brave of you to open up so fully in your introduction.

Whilst I understand the Catholic guilt thing (had the same myself and it too had a SERIOUS impact on my life and marriage), I cannot pretend to understand the abuse aspects and how that must make you feel.

You have a lot of things to deal with and I just wanted to say a quick hi and welcome, but I am sure we will converse some more later.

You will find a very friendly and supportive community here and hopefully, we can collectively ease some of each others problems.

Take care and again, well done for getting it all out.

Take care


  • dsavel
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18 Mar 08 #17134 by dsavel
Reply from dsavel
I have been in therapy for 13 months and I have dealt with my issues. I am still living in the same house with my wife because we do not make enough for one of us to move out. Its almost like slow torture. I see her everyday and it hurts. I do still love her, even with everything that has gone on, but I know that it is over. The divorce has just started so we have a long way to go.

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