Hi - another what should I do?

I found out that my husband of 24 years has been having an affair for some months at the end of January. It took a great deal of effort for me to confront him about it and he finally admitted that he had met someone else and had fallen in love with her. She is also married, but has no children.

He also said that if I hadn't found out that it may have well fizzled out and that by finding out I have backed him into a corner. The last few weeks have been hell the week after I found out he went to his mums, then I went on holiday on my own, then I came home (he gave me a lift to and front the airport). We have had some very furious rows and there has been a lot of crying and shouting by both of us. I just do not know what to do I feel so ill most of the time and am just about keeping my sanity. I never thought he was the type to betray me in this manner. His view is that I have taken him for granted. Things haven't been great for a while, there have been problems with teenage children and a lot of bereavements over the last few years and I feel that we have neither of us given the time to the relationship that it needed. I think we are both equally responsible for this.

He says he can't get this other woman out of his mind and that he feels so calm when he is with her. He has been away for the last few weeks and he phoned the other night and there was another crying session by both of us. He said he said he was in over his head and he didn't know what to do. He thinks of me when he is with her and her when he is with me. He said he was sorry for the way I was taking it but thought that I couldn't have cared less what he did.

He has been in the spare room since I found out and he is coming back home next week. I have been attending counselling sessions provided by my employers and have been referred to NHS counselling services by my GP as the counselling sessions I have through work are limited. I would like to make a go of mending the marriage but I sometimes think I don't feel strong enough to put up with the emotional rollercoaster. He however, "I don't know what I want to do, I can't get my head round this etc etc." I want time to think about what I want to do.

Do I really stand any chance of trying to make a go of this? Or am I just wasting my time with someone who has betrayed me and won't make a decision as to what he wants to do?

I would be pleased to receive any comments. Thanks

Catz

hi you sound just like me! exactly same senario but my hubby wants to end the marriage of 24 years.says he has no feelngs left. hes still living here which is hard at the moment well for this week anyway as he is holiday he works away from home only back at weekends but we supposed to be in cyprus this week but i couldnt go because of the state of our marrige. is that selfish? hubby very angry at losing 600 quid which is understandable. but my head is all over the place ive cried buckets of tea and dont no where to go next

Mazzab

That's why I went on the holiday on my own so as not to lose the money already paid, unfortunately wasn't able to take anyone with me as they couldn't drop everything at a moments notice. Your husband wants to end the marriage, I haven't got a clue what my mine wants to do. |He is still seeing other women in the meantime. We had this holiday booked and another booked for the summer which I have cancelled, don't want to go on another holiday on my own! This was all booked whilst the affair was going on. My view in my case is that he didn't think he would get found out. Now he has he can't decide, think it will be up to me to make a decision. But it hurts like hell.

I am really sorry to hear about your problems, and I am a little reluctant to offer advice because I don't know the personalities involved, and I could easily be wrong.

All I can suggest, which may help to concentrate your thoughts, is to try and draw up a sort of ' balance sheet '
of what you might gain by a divorce and what you think you might stand to lose.

Divorce is often thought of as the answer to problems,
but it can often be swapping one set of problems for another. It may be better, it may be worse, and I can't judge whether this is a temporary blip which is curable or whether it is symptomatic of some more deep rooted problems.

Good luck anyway

Mike

our hols were booked like that too we have one for sept but will be canceling that on tuesday. it does hurt even when he made the decision but if im honest i half expected it but it doesnt make it any easier.

I just find it strange that we all have very similar problems. I ound out my hubbywas having an affair and we have been tog 20 years. Completely trusted him and were were actually uying a place in spain and have flights boooked for april and june. He has moved in with her and wants nothing from the marriage. I have o go to spain to sort everything out. As usual i have to do everything
How can they plan lives with us and be with someone else. I can't understand.
Sorry no advice but just to say you are not alone.
Hope we all get better in time x angela

I think people continue with planning married life while seeing others because they don't think married life is over. This seems particularly true of Catz's husband who is clearly confused about what he wants. If he said the affair might have fizzled out if you hadn't found out that may well be true, but now the emotions that are flying around have got to him. I think, for what it's worth, that you should try and give it another go, if he is willing. Go to Relate together and try and talk things through. It sounds as though you still have a lot of love for each other. If you can avoid divorce, do.

Good luck,

Sadie