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Preparing for separation

  • LoveAndLost
  • LoveAndLost's Avatar Posted by
  • New Member
  • New Member
25 Mar 08 #17649 by LoveAndLost
Topic started by LoveAndLost

After a particularly turbulent Easter I have started thinking about separating with my wife, unfortunately this sounds easier than it seems and I am looking for information on how to prepare, to avoid any possible problems I may have with the children, home and living expenses.

We have two fantastic children whom we spoil, and have a very healthy daddy/mummy relationship, what we do not have is a very understanding/supportive husband/wife man/woman relationship, this is starting to have an impact on the family (loud arguments, not talking, no physical touch, etc).

I used to love my wife, and remember how special she was to me, now-a-days I’m not sure how I feel. There is NOONE else, I absolutely want this to be about the breakdown of our marriage and not because either of us was unfaithful.

I have been the sole provider for the past 7 years, as I believe her role / ‘job’ is to look after and support our children during the working day (which she does a fantastic job).

What I am particularly scared / worried about is that (one of her admirable qualities) she is very good at information gathering and presenting a pretty good case suited to her needs. She regularly goes through my banks statements, opens my post and looks through my business expenses / family expenses. She has access to all the information, and although I might get stung for this ... she has the time to research and get the information she needs to screw me to the floor, while I have a very demanding job providing little time to get this information. I am not saying that I want to hide any of my income or expenses from her, or neglect any of my responsibilities to support her and our children, however I need to have a life too. My goal would be to buy myself a house ASAP after the separation, in the same town as to be near my children.

While sometimes I get the impression that she could be very understanding and responsible about the separation she can be very temperamental and be very illogical and VERY vindictive.

What I need is some “if I could do things differently before separating” type suggestions. Should I redirect my post? Start ‘boxing up’ / ‘put in storage’ expense claims / bank account information? Hide personal documents e.g. Passport, Childrens Birth Certificates, mortgage details?

I don’t want to sound like an ogre, however I trust that I would do the right thing, I don’t trust her to do the right thing with the information.

* It is so hard trying to explain my situation, while not providing too much detail

  • Marshy_
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
26 Mar 08 #17702 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Umm I thought about coming down hard on you for wanting to leave your wife but I thought no. Be helpful. So I am gona try.

All the information you talk about she will get anyway during ancilory relief. You are almost certain to go thru this. I wont bore you with my details but I will try and tell you what I did and hope that its relevent.

What I did was plan. Start with your income. How will you purchase a property and furnish it? Imagine that you have to pay the mortgage and expenses on yr former matrimonial home and also pay your own mortgage and food and bills etc. Thats what I did and I found that it left me with very litle money. But I did it for a year and I can tell you it was very hard. I bought a house after seperation like you are thinking of doing. How will you finance your divorce? Factor this in as well. My divorce costed me 7.5K and I had to pay 30K as a settlement (I cashed in a pension and borrowed the rest). I lost the FMH.

Its not always possible to buy a property. Most people rent as they dont have cash they can use as a deposit. I was lucky in that the mortgage was up for renewal and I just added 30K on top for my deposit and furnishings. I managed to scrape by and put down a hefty deposit. You also have to allow for 2 mortgages. My old mortgage was 100K and my new one was 140K. Thats 240K for me. I didnt earn enough for 2 mortgages but I managed it becuase it went to panel and I was lucky that I had a mortgage adviser and company that belived in me and they allowed it. But it was hard.

Would I walk out on a marriage? No I wouldnt unless it was violent. Hope this helps a bit. I have learned a hell of a lot during this process. It is possible to eat on less than £10 a week for instance.

My evil wife ran the house very well on a tight budget. You will need to learn to do this. I now know everything my wife knew and hats off to her for doing it so well. Shame she was such a nasty cheating slut realy.


  • dognut
  • dognut's Avatar
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
26 Mar 08 #17710 by dognut
Reply from dognut
Hi LoveAndLost,

I am in a very similar position to you from an emotional perspective, in that I am about to separate from my wife. Part of me says that I should stay and put up with a 'cold' relationship for the rest of my life; the other part urges me to get some time to myself, then perhaps to start looking for someone who might make me happy again. It's a VERY difficult choice to make. If the marriage was violent then obviously there would be nothing to decide, but it's not, so I'm in a 'will I live to regret this' situation - a bit like you I think.

My wife and I both earn roughly the same and we have assets that are not too dissimilar, so in this respect my situation is different to yours, but if you allow for these differences, you might find my last post on this forum to be of some help in explaining 'the system' and how it relates to my situation. You'll need to research the differences for a 'one-earner' household as spousal maintenance will be an issue, but I hope it is of some help to you nonetheless.


Good luck!

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