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Never thought this would happen to me ...

  • FizzyFish
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25 Mar 12 #320038 by FizzyFish
Topic started by FizzyFish
27 years together, married 23 years, and I honestly believe we''ve had a happy marriage,I really do. We''ve been each others best friends ....

(oh, man this seems long, sorry) ...

Having read the lovely blog that shows all the stages - the initial coldness, etc, I can tick every box. My H (it''s just week 7 since I found out about TOW (the other woman), so I''m struggling with stbx) - turned 50 in August last year. That same week TOW contacted him - they worked together 12 years ago, H, TOW and her husband (!). TOW is 19 years younger than me. They all met up for TOW husbands birthday last October (I don''t think I was invited - H certainly didn''t tell me if I was). I found out on 5 Feb that they''ve been texting each other for months - "sexting" - (I''m 53, I''m no prude but I had to look that up). He''d been a complete s**t to me for months - cold, indifferent, holding me up for ridicule, etc. We have a 22 year old son just finished Uni - I was given silent treatment, Son was his conversation partner now. I was bewildered, but I knew he hated being 50 - and there was a very serious threat of redundancy late last year which freaked us both out, having just jointly signed (October) a 5 year £10,000 bank loan. So we''ve had a difficult and troubling few months. Despite that, on this particular day when he was more obnoxious than usual, I did some snooping on the computer when he''d gone to bed - facebook - I was shocked to find messages between the two of them arranging to meet up in February for "kisses and cuddles". (There was a lot of mmm / oh yeah / oh yes / etc first, which I didn''t understand) ....

A midnight confrontation. Leapt like a scalded cat for the delete button! He wants to be single. It''s nothing to do with TOW, he says, he''s been miserable for years and no longer wants to be married. I felt (still feel) as though I''d been hit by a huge truck.

Three weeks on we''d had many discussions, some very tense, some sensible where reconciliation was mentioned (by me - he said "I think it''s too late"). An appointment with Relate - again, he said "I don''t know why I''m here, I want to be single". And yet I still didn''t hear him ...

On Thursday 23 Feb we had a proper conversation about money, how we were going to work a separation when we are, frankly, broke! H said he saw three options open to him, 1/ Stay and we work at it through counselling. 2/ Stay, we separate and he lives a separate life from us. 3/ He leaves. Option 1 and 2 - I made it clear - were on the proviso he stopped all contact with her. I went to my sisters for a long weekend to give him some time and space.

Horrible weekend, spent a lot of time crying, talking through with family. It had been a bad 3 weeks, very tense, I was horribly shocked, disappointed in him. Came home Monday with it in my heart that I''d work for reconciliation. H left early for a class he takes - I said, if he''s leaving to talk to her, he understood that he couldn''t stay, if he knew how it made me feel he wouldn''t sleep at night. I cried, he left. An hour later I checked his browsing history from the weekend (he didn''t know I could get into his computer screen - OK, I may have missed months of "sexting", but once I knew I was going to find out all I could).

And found messages between the two on facebook (although deleted). Straight into his mobile phone bill - the "sexting" started in September, 30 or 40 messages each day from November/December. Calls every day December/January/February. All over that weekend, 11.30pm Sunday, 8.30am Monday. And told him to leave. Monday 27 February. I haven''t seen him since.

The night I found the bills I called her husband and told him (I expect she''s told him I''m a fruit cake). I called her at home (yes, he''d used our home phone to call her too, so it''s on my phone bill). She laughed, called me delusional.

My son says he has no intention of having a relationship with TOW, that he didn''t want to leave the home, that he hadn''t agreed to the proviso of no contact (well, it''s what he''d been up to for the previous five months while sharing my bed!). Said he was worried about his dad in some lonely little bedsit or wherever he was (Son has met up with him once a week to chat, says he wants to be supportive of both of us).

Still with me? Well done, nearly done venting ...

I called H last Sunday, asked if he happy with the way things were. His answer - "why". I explained some of what Son had said, but this is what single life would be for him now. H says it''s a readjustment, said he INTENDS TO have a relationship with TOW (who has two young daughters). How he misses the house and everything (remember, 27 years together and he misses the house!!!). I told him to take a good hard look at what he was doing. And put the phone down. I''m so ashamed of him -

I want my old life back - the lovely guy I''ve been with for so long, the funny guy who never had enough time for me but worked with a local charity two nights a week, the guy who called me his best friend. I''m scared, I''m lonely. The future is uncertain. I''m on anti-depressants now, (day 4). I''m scared to tell friends in case they judge me as being somehow at fault.

  • livinginhope
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25 Mar 12 #320042 by livinginhope
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Welcome to Wiki even though I understand that you wish you didn''t have to be here.
It''s a dreadful feeling knowing that the life you had has come crashing down upon you.
Two things that I would say is don''t feel ashamed of what is happening to you and do try and talk to friends you think will be sympathetic.Anti Depressants take some time to become effective so do keep taking them as they can be helpful.

  • pixy
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25 Mar 12 #320043 by pixy
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Welcome. We all know and understandwhat you are going through. I remember feeling an acute sense of shame and failure in the early stages; to an extent I still do. But what you have described is that your stbx is unhappy with himself and his life. It has nothing to do with you, it''s all about him. It''s a real shock to discover that someone who was once your best friend can suddenly turn into a stranger like this and that is why you will need your new wiki friends because only people who have been through this awfulness can possibly understand what you are going through.

The one person who doesn''t understand of course is your stbx. You and I (and most wikis) may think it is perfectly reasonable to insist on no contact with ow. My stbx thought it was outrageous and I bet yours does too.

I too have grown up children and was astonished to discover how torn they were, how desperate they were to try and be fair to both of us. Heaven knows how little ones can cope if even young adults. can''t. So be gentle with your son. His world has been destroyed just as much as yours.

  • julesgy
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26 Mar 12 #320167 by julesgy
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:)hi there i realy do feel for you, and im in the same boat 33 years ive been married and 4yrs ago i caught my stbx sexting and flirting with a female - for 2yrs we tried to sort things out (silly me believing all his sorry''s etc ) only to find out he decided to play his games wth another female (this one was married ) well to cut along story short i went to his work and caught them and all hell broke lose but did i care no anyway he decided again he was sorry and silly guilable me fell for the apologies yetagain - and then he hit me with the bomb shell that he wanted to call it a day on our marriage there was no point going on he wanted out !!! (he stuck 20mins with a marriage guidance counsellor he thought it was a waste !) weve been separated this time for just over a year and hes now filed for divorce and im gutted ive been to hell and back with him the way hes treated me the irony is he now wants us to be friends (he says he doesnt want to lose me as we have grown children and grandchildren and alot of years behind us - blood cheek i say !) so i have a solicitor who is acting for me and as much as it hurts like hell he can have his divorce - for my self preservation -i would love my life back to how it was friends couldnt believe that we had broken up we were great together (or so i thought ) alot of our friends now know and i have told them all the facts and he has now lost alot of our mutual friends . i hurt inside everyday but ihave to go on and i will go on or plod on as i do somedays - my friends keep telling me that i dont know whats round the corner but at the minute i take one day at a time = i also have a counsellor who is worth her weight in gold . so take care and take each day as it comes - you''ll be surprised just how strong you are x

  • FizzyFish
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26 Mar 12 #320175 by FizzyFish
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pixy wrote:

...... what you have described is that your stbx is unhappy with himself and his life. It has nothing to do with you, it''s all about him.


I like this a lot. He tried a lot to point blame at me in one way or another - but I had an honest answer for every accusation. We haven''t had "naughty times" since August (a friend calls it that, lol) - pointed out that is the very week she contacted him and began to block me from his life. I''d spent money he''d earned while working abroad in 2010 - I downloaded the bank statement, did a huge spreadsheet and showed exactly where every penny went. I''m angry all the time - well, he''s been constantly at the computer (bloody facebook!) or at the charity he works with, leaving early (!), getting home late (!) (texting, as I''ve seen from the bills), no time for me. I suggested a few days away in September, which he didn''t want to do. Our wedding anniversary in November - no, didn''t have a free weekend. I didn''t have a holiday at all last year - a couple of days with the Ma-in-law for Sons graduation. Angry doesn''t really come close. And on and on.

You know the biggest problem? The dog. I love dogs, but I said no to getting this girl in 2009 - we both work, Son was at Uni, but he insisted - absolutely insisted. Now I have a dog walker every day to exercise her (£££) and rushing home each evening, while he''s living the single life!

Think I''m going to be here a bit ...

  • leftwondering
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26 Mar 12 #320179 by leftwondering
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Hi FizzyFish & Julesgy,

I dunno, I''m a man in much the same position as yourself (30+ years married).
My wife whom I love a lot, suddenly changed personality and became somebody else over a period of a few months.
Reason? Became involved with an Internet dating site and got a kick out of sexting anonymously with other men behind my back.
Curiosity then led to meetings for coffee or lunch and then decided she wanted to do something differently with her life.

We got on well together in all sorts of ways beforehand with no complaints either way on every aspect of married life.
We were happy together and had lots of fun and laughs and good between the sheets stuff too.
Practically every memory I have for more than half my life is with her.
Paid-up house, some savings, no debt.
Never ever thought the D word would ever be in our lives...

Suddenly told me it was over and moved in with some unknown internet John she met only 3 times before for coffee and a sandwich at McDonalds.

That was 9 months ago.

Says she loves him.

My heart is completely torn to pieces, as she was my love, my best friend and soulmate for 30 years.
Totally bloody gobsmacked....
I thought we were good for life.

I think maybe some folk look forward to getting old together while others get a panic attack that life is passing them by and need to cram in as many new experiences as they can??

Anyway, this guy has a crush on her for sure and runs after her every need from what I can make out and treats her like a princess.

(BTW he''s much older, certainly not good looking, has gone 10 years without a woman in his life, rented council house, no job and no money)
Maybe she loves that and thinks this is "true love"?
(She is 56 for heaven''s sake and surely knows by now that fairy tales and Jane Austin stories etc ARE just stories?)

But IMO, his investment is in vain too ''cos she will eventually get bored and either want to come back or leave him for somebody else once the love haze fades and stark reality begins setting in.
Just my gut feeling...

But I agree, of all the dirty tricks folk can play upon each other...betrayal must be the worst of all.
It robs you of all your basic perceptions of the world as you thought you knew it, even after 60 years of life and makes you feel a fool.

LW

PS. On another internet site I just read that some (still) married guy was totally pissed off because his cheating (not yet divorced) girlfriend was cheating on him by having occasional sex back at home with her cheating husband and keeping it secret from him... LOL!

Boy...All this DV stuff gets unreal I tell ya!

  • Canuck425
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27 Mar 12 #320212 by Canuck425
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Oh the blame. Yes, expect more of that. It''s all your fault. You were too thin/fat/boring/flirty/exciting/frugal/spendy/whatever. Heard that story a few times on here. The sad, and I mean very sad part of this, is that there is such a predictable pattern to these things.

So please know this is all about him and his issues. His self esteem or self worth. There is nothing you did that justifies an affair. Nothing. Now, you had a role in getting your marriage to this point. I think it''s healthy and part of the healing process to go deep there. But, I think it''s early days for you.

Take care of yourself. Think of you first. Give yourself small gifts. maybe extra time in the sun or a nice chocolate. Do things for yourself that you wouldn''t normally do. It can be small. But take care.

Good luck!

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