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The whole truth

  • Sam72
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26 Mar 12 #320204 by Sam72
Topic started by Sam72
Had a long chat with the wife and wanted to share our story. She said she has been unhappy for years (about 5 or 6). Since our marriage in 2002, I have remained a batchelor and been completely unsupportive. For example during week I get up get myself ready for work, don''t help with getting kids ready don''t help with breakfast, never eat with family and leave for work. This is all true, I snooze my alarm more than I should and leave in the morning in a rush. In the evenings I am a good dad, I do homework with the boys, play and read bedtime stories. Weekends I sleep in too late. I don''t do my fair share and she hated me for this. She never, ever told me and she admits this was a mistake. I failed to make her feel special then someone else did. Hence the affair. She was surprised I was so angry about it as she thought I didn''t give a hoot about her. I can''t believe I lived with someone, loved someone and didn''t know they felt this way about me. I admit I made some serious mistakes but our life was always full of laughter and fun, well I thought so. Now we are like familiar strangers in the home and I really don''t know what to do for the best. Any advice please, I wanted you to hear her side of the story. I feel like maybe I was a crap husband. I work hard, have a fairly well paid job, nice house, decent car. Think I got my priorities horribly wrong.

  • leftwondering
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27 Mar 12 #320205 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Sam,

Don''t think so.

All these stories/complaints are usually backfilling or re-writing the marriage history in order to justify their actions and deflect their own guilt.

They are dead common in marriage splitups.

NOBODY leaves their marriage because their partner sleeps in a bit in the mornings.

This.. "I didn''t love you for 5-6 years but didn''t want to tell you", is crap too...
You REALLY think so?
EXACTLY....more "re-writing" to justify her own selfish interest and make herself the "innocent" one.

You are beginning to believe her crap now.

Don''t

BTW Out of interest... What stuff bugged you about her but you never mentioned to her?

LW

  • Shoegirl
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27 Mar 12 #320207 by Shoegirl
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Many rewrite history and try to justify selfish actions. Shifting the blame for marriage breakdown is common. You need to steel yourself for further revelations over time as to the reasons for her departure. I don''t want to be harsh but we see the same patterns of behaviour over and over again here.

Your wife is following a well trodden path of shifting blame and attempting to justify the reasons for leaving with pretty ridiculous excuses. It''s to ease her own guilt about leaving by projecting some of the blame on to you.

Yes we''ve all slept in not taken the trash out whatever in our marriages but this does not cause marital breakdown. Unfortunately, for whatever reason these types are unable to understand their own shortcomings, emotionally unavailable or whatever and choose to rewrite history rather than face their own inadequacies.

Personally, i went through similar ridiculous justifications from my Stbx. He had someone else but denied, failed to admit this for a while until I found him out. I stopped asking and listening to him attempting to justify his own inexcusable behaviour. Many of us that have walked this awful path before you of marital breakdown have chosen not to engage on these matters. Your Stbx is beyond caring about your welfare and her actions and words now will be self serving. I stopped talking about it and walked off when my Stbx started to talk about why and reasons. As it was pointless, he was not going to tell me the truth. He did not know what that was for himself, let alone being able to explain it to me.

So in the interests of self preservation, you might need to talk to your Stbx only about matters pertaining to the children and separation. Very hard I know, I have been there, but given these types just talk nonsense, discussing reasons for her leaving or a marriage post mortem rarely provides answers thosebcome with time. 15 months after my Stbx left now all is clear about what happened. Many say the same, you work the answers out over time.

It''s about you now, stop,focusing on what she thinks and feels. As hard as it is, you have to shift the focus of your attndtion on to your own interests. She is beyond the point of caring about yours. Sorry, it''s hard I know. Trust me over time, this gets much easier.

  • Canuck425
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27 Mar 12 #320211 by Canuck425
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I think it is good to understand her perspective but you do not have to agree with it. You do have to accept that this is her reality. She really believes this. This helps her justify her actions. She feels she had no choice, you forced her into this position. She probably doesn''t believe in affairs or even consider what she did wrong. It''s all your fault - right?

So listen, take notes even. But remember you have your truth too. Could you have been a better husband. Yes! But so what? Maybe you two sucked at communication - that''s pretty common. Maybe you stunk in the romance department. Also common. But nothing, and I mean nothing, you did justifies the affair. Nothing. That was her choice and she did not have to do that.

Now here, I think, is that hard part - especially for men. What have you learned? What was your role in getting your marriage to the point right before the affair? What mistakes and failures will you be sure not to carry into your next relationship (whenever that may be). I think this is so critical and I am desperate to learn. How can I be a better man?

Posting on here is a good sign I think. It shows that you''re looking for answers to questions that are very complex. The answers are all deep within you. Keep doing the work to get better. I hope it''s worth it!

  • Nanny18
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27 Mar 12 #320249 by Nanny18
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Hi Sam,

As everyone says, she is doing the classic you made me do it.

Being a woman i know i could not of stayed quiet if i had been that unhappy for so long.

So her answer to being unhappy is to have an affair instead of telling you how she was feeling and giving you a chance to work something out between you.

Do not believe all she is saying this is just her guilt talking. No one forces someone to have an affair it is a purely selfish action.

Take care, keep strong and keep your head up because you are not the one that cheated and wrecked a family.

  • mumtoboys
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27 Mar 12 #320259 by mumtoboys
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I agree, she''s saying what she needs to say to make herself feel better about the situation you''re both in now. Your hurt will hurt her so she needs to justify it. In these early stages, you need to ignore what she''s saying and start working out where you go from here.

I agree with shoegirl that things do tend to come clearer with time. My reality has changed over time (over 3 years on from when my ex walked out now) and whilst I''m not sure I''ll ever really have ''the truth'', I do know that how I view our marriage today is not how I viewed it that day he walked out. For this reason, I would say you need to hold onto what your ex is telling you because what she is saying now has had an impact on your marriage. Only your marriage is a joint responsibility, not yours alone. My ex behaved dreadfully - I know that and hold onto that and use this site to help remind me of that from time to time - but I also had my part to play and that part has become clearer over time. Regardless of the part I played, I didn''t deserve to be lied to, cheated on, blamed....And neither did you.

Hang on in there. It''s a long ride but things do get better.

  • WhiteRose
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27 Mar 12 #320271 by WhiteRose
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I''m about to prove highly unpopular and give an alternate view.

Sam can disregard his wife''s explanation and carry on his merry way or he can admit his part in the [perceived] breakdown of the marriage.

The problem is one party wants to absolve themselves of the blame and says many, perhaps untrue, things.

What Sam is saying is that over a period of time his wife felt he wasn''t interested in her, she explained a few things that may have built up over time and resentment sets in. No-one leaves their marriage because they had a lie in at the weekend, but if one party feels they are doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, it grows and can seem to be a deal breaker.

Sam - I''m not saying this to make you feel you are solely to blame, I''m sure she also had her faults and the biggest was not communicating her feelings towards you at a time things could have been repaired.

You''re not solely to blame (I don''t think anyone is) what you have done is admitted yourself and can see where the problems were caused - the key isn''t to beat yourself up or apportion blame - its to see what not to do next time!

I did a lot of thinking about my part in the break up of my marriage and while it would be very easy to sit the whole of the blame onto my ex, I took a long look at myself and I can see what I did wrong - I now am in a new relationship and I''m determined not to make the same mistakes again.

This doesn''t excuse an affair, or make it acceptable, but if we can see any truth in whats being said we need to be able to know not to make the same mistakes again.

Now hiding in the cupboard preparing for the backlash :S

WR

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